Dear S, I'm sorry. I have said it more times than I probaby need to. The guilt that eats my insides up compels me to do it. I was doing alright for a week or two. I was mad at you for making things more difficult than it needed to be. I think of things my mother has said, "Look at all you're walking away from, all the things you have worked so hard for." She's right, and wrong. And these words stick to me like glue. The visions of you screaming in my face burned into memory, forever. The hurt I caused. The pain I inflicted . how does one ever forgive themselves. Move past the pain. Yes, I walked away. From our house, our dogs... I walked out on us. But, I know that it would not have been fair for you, or me... I can't forgive myself for cheating on you. I also have a hard time forgiving you for throwing me out, yelling at me, destroying our things, putting a deadbolt on the door, telling me I didn't deserve to see my dogs, of which you know are my children. You took care of me. You treated me like a queen. Gave me everything I ever could want. And this is how I thank you. I do not hurt for myself. I am happy with her. But you stand in my way like a giant brick wall. My guilt. My punishment . I can't help to feel that this, all of this will come full circle on me. And it scares me to death. That I will always pay for my actions .Until the day I die. I cannot turn back time. And regret is not a word that I keep in my vocabulary . I suppose it had to be this way. Happen just as it did. But really, my still technically Husband. We were always better friends than we were ever lovers. my lack of interest, going months without touching you. I'm sorry I ever said yes, I felt pressured. that it was just the next step in my life and it needed to happen. Look at the wake I left in my aftermath. There was never a right time. It's sort of like planning a tornado. I was afraid, so very afraid. Like a child, hiding from the thunder. Nothing in the world can prepare you for that. I know you saw it coming. That must have been like waiting for a tidal wave, sweeping over you. I told so many people in the beginning of us, that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me. And I guess that was true at the time. I needed you then. At that point in my life. and people drift in and out. I just wish I hadn't left such a mess. I feel selfish. Me, me, me. but I know it would not have been fair for me to stay. to me or you. I find little things through the day that help me heal. My heart breaks for you. Though I'm not sure it needs to. You will find someone, or someone will find you. And I hope that they can love you more and better than I ever could. My Love forever, ~K~
dear A, wel i guess its starting to feel more real thats its really over with each and every day that passes, days turning to months, before i kno it months will become years...i still think about u every day and even last night i had a reoccuring dream about u..it was a horrible embarrasing dream for me in the background but when i woke up i couldnt help thinking that yea it was horrible but atleast i got to see u...i miss you..sumtimes so much that i consider reaching out to you again, but i kno that i shouldnt..i wonder if u ever think about me, wherever u are..im so sorry A, u know i didnt want to leave you like that, i didnt mean to break my promise to you, and you kno that it wasnt at all what i wanted...it was what you wanted, and i knew that i was becoming your burden...the first time i saw you i felt that you were happy to see me, i felt that everything felt so right, i saw joy in your eyes..but that last time i saw you, you couldnt even look at me and i felt you pushing me away, you saw it in me that i knew too huh thats why you said you were so sorry, that you had trapped me and only you could set me free...you knew...but you wouldnt say it to me..till that day..and i still cant understand why then (whether you just said it cuz u were drunk) but even tho u thought that u had set me free A, im still a prisoner to you, cuz truth is i dont want anybody else..ive kept my main promises to you, i hope you remember what i told you, but its up to you now...i did more than my part and if its meant to be its meant to be, if not then well i just hope that you are happy no matter where you go and what you chose to do in life..i love you enough to let you go, and it took me so long to learn what that meant but i think i get it now...selfish thing to do would be to reach out to you becuz i miss you, rather than to let you go to learn what you have to learn to grow into a stronger woman and discover those things you wanted and felt you needed to discover...ive never left you alone A, ive been here, yea i ran away when u said what u said, and i never gave you the chance to explain and that i do regret so much in my heart but if you wanted to find me, i think you know just where to look...and i hope one day you do...and i hope that if and when you do, that i too am ready...i stop to think about that last time i saw you, what i felt at that time was rejection but in a "not now" kind of way, and it made me sad becuz i realized it wasnt going to happen...but then i think about the "not now" and i understand it, i just hope that i get another chance if things are right..im trying my best to get sumwhere better than where i was, ive been sober since may 7th of this year, been going to skool and working out, and just working on myself...i hope in my heart that you are doing the same, i hope that you are taking care of yourself becuz you kno it broke my heart when you did those things you did for your gf..i wanted so much to just steal you away from all the uglyness of your life, but thats not love, i want you to choose me like i chose you...and i kno u knew this too becuz of when you told me you didnt want to see me as your escape..thank you for caring about me enough to not use me like that..and all those things you confessed to me A, im sorry that you did what you did, but i forgive you...i believe we met for a reason, and i hope sumday that reason becomes more apparent than what i already do see...maybe it was "all in my head" but i kno u felt sumthing too...thats why i liked you so much...i guess we will find out huh...if not in this life then maybe a next...god i just hope one day whether here or not we can catch up and talk about this, i would hold you so hard and never let you go again...i love you so much A, please please please take care of yourself..and i will always care and have love for you no matter where we are in the paths of life...i will continue to wait and have faith in you like i promised.. bye love(*hug*)
