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Depression, anxiety, rant - you know the drill

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by mirkku, Jun 28, 2016.

  1. mirkku

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Finland
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    Female
    Hei there! Brace yourself, this is very long and so fascinating you'll consider Twilight a great movie series after that.

    I just learned today that a 4-year job contract (Ph.D position) I had been shortlisted for, and somehow lead to believe I had great chances to obtain (thanks no thanks, HRM), was given to somebody else. Not only is this depressing, but it is even more depressing when I am an isolated foreigner in this country with loan payback coming up. No matter how much I do better than people my age here academically, it is never enough.

    People here take an average of 4,5 years to complete 240 ETCS university program, and their GPA is generally 3 or 3.5/5 in the end. Full of my naivety and also very, very broke because students here are paid, but foreign students like me aren't, I complete the degree in 2 years and 7 month with a 4+ GPA. Secured a scholarship and all. Slept very little, no party because parties scare the hell out of me, still managed to meet an awesome man I married in mid-2014. Yay me!
    That was last year. It amounted to nothing.

    Terrible classmates (seriously, below average students with below-average skills in the field) got great jobs because they "knew people". Know who don't know people? Overly-anxious, non-drinking, non-native speakers out there.

    I try not to dwell on it to much (it failed), and went to the UK to do an MA. Things are great, merit and distinction everywhere, now just have to finish my dissertation (deadline in August) and I'll get this damn diploma. My husband pays for it so I really want to graduate with distinction. I just turned 24. I will get a master's degree about 3 years earlier than most local people - yeah, they start uni quite late here, low acceptance rates.

    And yes, that's the deal with foreigners, we know that it's not much for us but for future generations that we move to a country we deem better, and damn the consequences on yourself, but I feel incredibly guilty that my amazing husband has to deal with someone like me. I am so anxious I refuse every invitation to get coffee with the rare people I know, because I don't want to bother them, I am often sad, and cannot for the life of me do more in term of job searching.

    The thing is: I've got experience. Been working since I was 16, and worked in different countries at that - France, Italy, UK, Finland. I am fluent in 3 languages and can hold conversations + read in 2 others. I also read Latin, because Latin is awesome. (Awesome and sexy, 10/10 would recommend any time.) In the editorial and foreign rights departments, I've got stellar recommendation letters from people I worked for in the past.
    I have sent over 100 CV in Finland and the UK since mid-April. I got a grand total of 3 replies. When they ask for "some knowledge of foreign rights", I literally have a degree about foreign rights. I specialised in the damn thing, and believe me, if you're ever in need of a bedtime story to fight insomnia, grab a copy of the TRIPS agreement and thank me for the tip when you'll wake up two days later.

    On a side-note I am completely opaque to therapy (lots of reason, not important, but it's a definite 'no' and I'd appreciate it not being discussed), and refuse any kind of medication. I'd love to get a cute & giant dog but we live in an apartment, the poor thing would deserve much better than that. And my husband is allergic to cats. One of his very few flaws.

    Overall, I just lost motivation to do... well, anything, really, except drawing and finishing this dissertation. (It's about LGBTQ visibility, by the way. Yay~!) Drawing is another problem, because I have a bit of skills in that, but it has been over a year that I promised to post something concrete/real/not just random doodles online and surprise, I don't, despite my husband's genuine encouragements. I am just far too scared for that. I used to play the celtic harp in orchestras and solo since I was 4, but moving here, I abandoned that entirely, and when I was about to take it up again I hurt my left arm pretty bad - it only has about 70% mobility now, after 3 months of almost complete paralysis in 2014. That sucks too, but at this point of the rant I realize that frankly, more or less angst, meh. We've reached a point. Urg. I'm so sorry, readers.

    TL;DR: Rant. Academically gifted over-achiever with extremely poor social skills ruining most things since the beginning of her little life discovers that stuff are even more unfair than they used to be, feels super-guilty that her husband has to put up with that, boo-hoo, should move on already.

    Anyway, I'm lost. I would also like to point out that I cannot go outside for walks for another 4-6 weeks for the most annoying reason: mosquitoes and bees. Not allergic in France, pretty allergic here.
    ... I now realise that this country might be sending me messages since years that sort of sound like "LEAVE". But France is an absolute mess and nothing is waiting for me back there. 'Sides I would die from even more guilt if I had to drag my husband there.

    I'll now see myself in the "emo teen" corner. It'll get better tomorrow. :icon_wink