Okay so this is kind of a rant, but I'm also truly asking for advice. I love my mom, I really do. But literally every insecurity I have comes from things she's said to me. I started to struggle with terrible self loathing and suicidal thoughts after a 'talk' she gave to me a while back about how I was self absorbed and how I talked too much. She told me my friends probably found me annoying. Outside of this little talk (Which she justified with "I'm your mommy and no one else will tell you these things") though, she doesn't normally do anything like that, so please don't think she's abusive or doesn't care for me. My mom is amazing, most of the time, and I love her. Now after this, she DID apologize for saying that, and she was stressed out at the time. She felt really bad about it, and told me she had been too harsh. I don't hold it against her, I know that people say things they don't mean when they're really stressed out. But still, that conversation spawned my self loathing and self esteem problems. I was SO confident in myself before that. And while she's never been harsh like THAT ever again, she does occasionally say things that make me doubt myself even more. She says that she's concerned about how opinionated I am, and says that that will keep me from getting a job if I don't 'fix it' by the time I'm an adult. So most of this revolves around my verbal behavior, right? But... she keeps telling me that I need to "fix" things about my personality and the way I am. Is it really that bad? To be extroverted, to be opinionated? My mom makes it sound like its' somehow the worst trait one could have. Because I love the way I AM. I don't WANT To change, and I know if I change..... if I take away that part of myself, it will make me into a fake. Because my loudness, my opinionated nature, is literally the basis of my identity. I have a lot of friends, a boyfriend who loves me, I have teachers who loved me because I always participate in class. They never seemed to think I was "a problem" or "annoying". But now... there's this little voice in my head telling me that everyone hates me. That they can't stand me.. I hate that voice. I used to love the feeling of being confident and knowing I loved myself no matter what. I don't have that anymore. So.... is it really that bad? Am I really that undesireable as a person?
That is awful! It's one thing for it to develop more naturally just from seeing how judgmental the world is. But to have it slipped in by your frigging mom? I am sorry. I'm certain she does mean well. But the way you phrase it, her tidbits sound less like constructive criticism in an encouraging environment and more of "do this and then you'll be acceptable." For one though, it is *not* bad to be extroverted and opinionated. You've got to take care not to let that turn into bullheadedness, but in moderate quantities, those are traits of a leader and bosses will love you for them. And ultimately, you are okay with who you are. End of story. Anything else is away from your own happiness, and other people's perceptions are not worth sacrificing that. There are plenty of people who will accept you and the ones who don't can have a nice day somewhere else.
Thank you so much for your reply, it made me feel so much better, it really did "Do this and you'll be acceptable" is a great way to sum it up. And she does mean well, and I know that, so I try not to take it to heart, but I still do, aha. In terms of bullheadedness, I do always try to listen to an opposing side or idea, and I also always keep in mind that I'm not always right, so hopefully I'll never become like that :lol: I'm going to try and take her opinions with a grain of salt from now on, hopefully that will help Thank you so so much for your advice <3
You are Perfectly You. While it looks a little dodgy on the grammatically correct scale I think it is one of the most true string of words we have. I think sometimes parents with the best of intentions frame their advice to us through their world views and experiences, many of which have changed drastically over the years. The meaning to help us is lost in poor delivery and outdated social context. Sometimes I think its valuable to stop and ask, "what do you mean by that" in a inquisitive tone. See if she can tell you what she meant by that. Is there something constructive that you can take from the advice. For someone who talks a lot and rather loudly, some of the best advice, while poorly given, was framed around being a better listener. Assuming Positive intent can allow us to try and see the best in a bad situation, and sometimes can help us more than being overwhelmed by the dark. You are Perfectly You. You don't need to change, but we can always grow if we look for the light.
