Hey y'all I'm new here, but my life is getting pretty ridiculous so I done figure I may as well try this out. I'm gay, I've known this for quite some time. About 5% of the people in my life know this. The reasons are multifactorial, but really the strongest reason is my folks. They know that I'm gay and I have the special honor of turning my mom's hair gray overnight when they found out the truth. The family dynamics are such that I have an unspoken amount of pressure to keep my lips pursed. And for a little while I dealt with it pretty well. I successfully pulled off the image of the good son, managed through medical school and am rounding off my first year in pediatrics. It's not going so hot right now. Being catholic, I have turned to God, but realistically the spiritual life and physical life are at times incredibly mutually exclusive. When I get home from the hospital after a couple 85+ hour weeks, the support at home is incredibly lacking. Different city, different people, no time for self and you're expected to push yourself and be generous with your compassion at work beyond what normal people do. My family has been supportive so far, even going as far as saying that they'll support me in all my decisions. Really though I can gauge that if the extended family knew, there will be severe consequences to me and my folks. I look at all the young gay people popping up around me and see how they are experiencing life. Although in retrospect I have it really good and I thank God everyday for the privilege of my life, there's a part of me that hates myself for not ever having the balls to stand up and ask for a chance. I'm getting older, I feel more alone than ever, the pressures and expectations are feeling so dang heavy and I'm watching my friends and family go forward while I just sit back and smile say "I am so happy for y'all!" I feel like a total failure. I'm not sure what to expect out of this, but really I don't get many chances never to speak frankly without a filter and even now I feel somewhat better. kind regards -Fisher
You're not a failure! You've finished med school, you're in peds, you rock! Don't let a crappy family and unsupportive environment ruin your day. Just make friends that get you and appreciate you for who you are. In the meantime, you can ask for any kind of advice here on EC and read through other people's experience. Remember this is a place of refuge and never feel embarrassed to vent if that proves helpful to you!
Hey Fisher, Your story resonates with me very powerfully. First of all, definitely do not feel like a failure. Since we're both believers in Christ, I know you'll understand what I mean when I say that those damning thoughts have their origin in Satan rather than in God. Thoughts like that honestly torment me every day, but it's so important to not give those thoughts a place to establish a stronghold in your life. Instead listen to the Voice of Truth that speaks quiet as a whisper and yet is more adamant than the mountains. Truth says you are wonderfully and fearfully made. Truth says that God has a plan for your life. Truth says that through the work of Christ crucified you are forgiven and reconciled with God. Truth means you have access to the Holy Spirit, an infinite reserve of supernatural strength, when times are tough and you are feeling drained. Truth says that whatever we give up in this life for Christ will be returned to us tenfold in the world to come. Listen to the Voice of Truth, brother. Yes, the condemning lies of the Enemy can be keen and persuasive, but He who is with you is greater than he who is in the world. I also understand what you mean when you said that at times you feel like your daily grind and spiritual beliefs seem world apart. It's easy to feel so alone in this world when you're out there in the thick of it. But how we feel is often times not reflective of the spiritual reality of the situation. God says He never leaves nor forsakes us. God says He is with us in the mountains and the valleys. He says in ALL ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Most of all though, He just says how much He loves you repeatedly every day in ways both large and small.
Thanks y'all. Truth be told, it's just frustrating when I look back on my life. I see the road I walk, and I realize more and more that many decisions I've made were in discretion to others. At this point, it doesn't look like my life is even my own and I can't tell if that's something to be desired.
You aren't. You're fabulous. And wonderful. And if it makes you feel any better, my mom's hair turned white :/ And honestly, I know the feeling of feeling like some kind of traitor or dissapointment because your family does not approve of you. It's the worst kind of feeling, but... Only worry for the opinions of those who accept you. If your family does not accept you, they don't deserve you. Surround yourself with people who DO accept you. That's the first step to being your own person. Sometimes, and I've been there, the only person who will tell you that you're awesome is yourself. But sometimes, yourself is all you need
Fisher, you said something up there that I want to respond to. You said that sometimes you wasn't sure if your life was your own, and you wondered if such feelings were desirable. I wrestle with such thoughts frequently as well, and my faith (which it appears that you share) has often times provided sobering yet encouraging answers when all other explanations fall short. The apostle Peter once said that in order for Christ to become more of a Power in his life, than he himself must become less. He had to lay his whole life down as a sort of living sacrifice at the foot of the Cross in order to experience Christ more fully in his life. It's like that Carrie Underwood song "Jesus Take the Wheel." We have to give up a very uncomfortable measure of control at times and allow Jesus into the driver's seat. We end up getting back so much more than we ever initially give up for Christ. No sacrifice is made without an abundant return, but some returns take a little longer to manifest than others. That's where faith is strengthened for a time while adversity appears to triumph. But the Victory is never as far off as it seems, my friend. Remember that truth. I say this to encourage you that it is okay when you feel like you are losing control of your own life. It can be a frankly scary experience, but it doesn't mean you are on the wrong track. In fact, it may even mean that you are on the Right Track.
this! sometimes it's hard to watch people having fun while you're wondering how to catch 10 minutes sleep... If you faith, I wouldn't trade faith for anything. whatever darkness you're in, you have a lantern.
