I came out as gay five months ago and feel awful. People don't seem to understand that I was so dissociated from myself that I didn't even recall the fact that I was attracted to many guys in the past until I came out and suddenly remembered all my male crushes. And I have the type of personality that is very open about things and I never hide anything from my parents. And yet I was unintentionally hiding my sexuality from them and everyone else for many years without even realizing it. I wish so much that I had come out to myself and everyone else in high school. The potential bullying would have stunk, but I was so anxious in the closet that I could barely think straight (no pun intended). Any bullying probably wouldn't have been nearly as bad as the intense emotional pain of hiding my sexuality from myself. I just don't understand why this happened. I believe in God, but I don't know why he did this to me. I feel like I'm being punished, and I feel totally broken and cut down to size. I don't get it at all. Can anyone relate?
Hmm, I can't fully relate, since my LGBT-ness has to do with my gender more than my sexuality in general, but I can certainly relate to the feeling of dissociation. I'm not a religious person, really, but I feel that the theory of heteronormativity is a good help in explaining your situation here. According to heteronormativity, people assume that people assigned male at birth (has a penis and the doctor says "it's a boy!") will always identify as male, and will be attracted to females, probably in a dominant way; and the other way around for people assigned female at birth. This is what you were told by almost all of society, every day. This societal pressure was, for the time being, stronger than your inner sense of wanting to be true to yourself. However, in time you wanted to do yourself justice and you could start identifying as gay, something probably a lot closer to the core of who you are; something more freeing. In my opinion, this model of explaining your situation from a societal standpoint is adequate. However, if you personally feel like you need some spiritual guidance, for lack of a better word, I can recommend sending a private message to PatrickUK, one of the staff members here; http://emptyclosets.com/forum/members/patrickuk-42699.html
