Hi there, over the last year or so I've became more and more accepting of the fact that I'm gay, but it seems that the more 'accepting' I become the more suicidal I feel. Ironic isn't it. Just to clarify, it isn't the thought of gay relationships/sex or anything which makes me feel suicidal, it's the fear that I will never come out of the closet and be able to live my life as an openly gay man. At this point in time, I genuinely believe that I will either live the remainder of my life in the closet or most likely end up killing myself because I see no way out at all. I am pretty much financially dependent on my parents and all of my family and friends think I'm straight. My whole life is built around this fake 'straight' persona and every single day I have to keep up this facade... at work and at home, the 'fakeness' doesn't stop. It's exhausting and I'm tired of it. Being in the closet just makes me feel depressed all the time, but for my own sake I try and be 'happy'. Its wearing thin now and the prospect of coming out seems slimmer as the days pass by. The only time I feel a glimmer of happiness is at night in bed, where I fantasise about being out and happy with a guy I love, but I'm sorry to say, I don't think thats a good enough reason for me to carry on anymore. Despite these persistent suicidal thoughts, I can never bring myself to kill myself. I don't think I could ever leave such a big void in my family and friends lives by committing suicide. It makes me feel sick thinking of the suffering I'd cause them if I died, but it's getting unbearable in this crappy closet nonetheless. Hope of a better future is the only thing which is keeping me going at the minute, so hopefully posting on here might give me a bit more support. I'd appreciate any advice or support, thank you :help:
Have you tried floating the subject of being gay with friends or family members you can trust to test the waters? In my experience it's been the people who I've least expected to be supportive who have been the greatest people to talk to. People can surprise you sometimes!
Like PerdHapley said, people can surprise you. And remember, this situation of being financially dependent on your parents etc. is not forever. You'll eventually be able to move out and have your independence, at which point their opinion of you should matter a lot less, at least practically.
I have had suicidal thoughts (for different reasons though) and all I can say is: take care of yourself. And don't give up hope. Maybe people wouldn't mind as much as you think they would that you are gay.
I feel you, man. On coming out, just "test the waters" to say, meaning just bring up an LGBT topic every now and then. You never know, I thought one of my friends was homophobic, and he was fine with it. And I get it, being in the closet fucking sucks. But take your time, come out when you're ready. It's not worth ending your life over. Stay with us, man. If you ever need someone to talk to, PM me. I'm all ears
