Hey guys, I recently downloaded a dating app and I don't really know what I'm doing. I've got a few questions: How do I know if someone just wants sex (will they be upfront)? How do I stop talking with people (do I stop responding, do I say bye)? What do I say if I don't want to answer a question?
Hi, This may not be the most responsive to your actual questions but perhaps it will be helpful anyway. If the app is a hookup app and you're looking for anything meaningful, I'd suggest just deleting the application now. The number of people who actually manage to find any sort of meaningful connection on the apps is very few and far between, and unfortunately, most of the so-called "dating" sites for gay men are really just opportunities for hookups. And a lot of them will tapdance around that idea, claim they "don't do hookups" and in the next breath, ask for dick pics or ask about penis size, or any of a million other questions. I suspect this is an unconscious rationalization to convince themselves they aren't "being slutty" or whatever their concern is. Now... if a hookup is what you're after, that's a different thing entirely. As far as specifics, -- remember that you're in control at all times. If you're feeling like you want to be courteous, you can always end a conversation by saying "Hey, sorry, I don't think there's a connection here." Don't get drawn into the whys... once you've said that, you're under no obligation to say anything further. -- Many people are *incredibly* rude, judgmental, harsh, bitter, and bitchy on these apps. Ignore them. Those folks (which seem to comprise about 98% of the people on the apps) aren't worth your time, and you owe them nothing. -- If you don't want to answer a question, a simple response is "Sorry, not comfortable answering that" or "Sorry, I don't think that's appropriate." This is often followed by "Sorry, I don't feel there's a connection here". (Are you sensing a pattern...? ) The bottom line is, you don't need to worry about anyone else's feelings. As long as you aren't downright bitchy and rude, and treat people with reasonable courtesy, any shade or bitchy behavior they throw back is entirely on them and you don't need to let it bother you. You'll be in an environment full of incredibly insecure, unhappy, emotionally unavailable people, and so that just sort of goes with the territory. Now... if you're genuinely looking for a relationship, there are one or two widely known websites that focus on dating and friendship, where the hookup culture is far less present. You'll still see some of those types there, but not as much. The main thing I suggest is simply standing your ground, asking for what you need, and setting clear boundaries for yourself... and not letting anyone's less than polite responses get to you.
Thanks for the detailed response, I was skeptical about the people on it, so I'll try talking to some people and see what the apps like. I'll keep your advice in mind when talking to people and I'll probably just end up deleting it if I don't think I'll get anything meaninful out of it.
Finding people that have the same mindset as you is rare, as Chip pointed out, but not impossible either. Either way, you're better off going out there and meeting people. I've been seeing the same guy for 7 months now and I also first spoke to him on the app but found out later we worked in the same mall.
