1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Kind of lost?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by juanma, Jul 4, 2016.

  1. juanma

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2015
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Mendoza, Argentina
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So, maybe I should have written this in my presentation post but I feel it's more related with what I want to tall you here so..
    I'm a 20 years old student from Argentina, not much I can complain about... I live with a friend of mine, I have a good family, I have everything I need, but yet I still fell empty, or, like I said in the title, I feel kind of lost.
    Here's the thing: I always was the "good" kid, the one with the best scores in class, the one who helped everyone, the good friend, the good student, everything. But lately (or not so lately, approximately a year ago or so) I started feeling like that was no longer the case. Not that I became bad, not at all, it's just that I'm not as happy with myself as I used to be.
    High school was easy for me: Lots of friends, good people to hang around with, no problems with studying, nothing. Of course, I was closeted at that time, so all the sexual and romantic discovery that everyone was going through at the time was completely absent in my, because I kept repressing it. Not actually something that bothered me, I was not to into guys either so it was just like, meh, I didn't care and I didn't feel I was missing anything.
    As I said before, everything changed when I started college, and I kind of get it, it was indeed a big change. Before starting college I had a stress attack that left me in a hospital for two days with my blood pressure over 20. After that I took a gap year, because I had to get better. Then I stared living alone. I had to do all the house chores, think about house responsibilities and ALSO study. Thanks god my dad still supports me financially. And that's when I started feeling like I wasn't being as good as I could be. First of all, I put on a LOT of weight. I was never thin either, but when I was 15 (and what I can recall as the happiest moment in my life) I lost 19kg from 88kg to 69kg. I took a gap year between high school and college, and in that year I put on 10kg, I was up to 79kg. And since I have been in college (I started in 2015) I put on another 22,5kg, when this year started I was 101,5kg. I now managed to lose about 7kg to 94,5kg, but I still really don't like who I am, I really hate my body now, I have stretch marks everywhere and my back is curved, and sometimes it hurts A LOT (I have a small scoliosis, and I'm treated but there's nothing I can do about the pain). Apart from that, friends also started to disappear, in high school I had just a ton of friends (always just a few close ones, but a lot in general)... And from that friends I had, I can only say I keep 2 of them, my 2 best friends. They both live at 200km to where I live now, because I moved to study in another city, so I only get to see them once or twice every month. I'm kind of struggling with loneliness as well, sometimes I fell that I just need to have someone by my side, not to talk about anything, not to help me with anything, I just need someone to be there on my side, I don't know, while I cook for both of us, or to get a hot coffee while we study. I don't want labels, I don't need him to be my "boyfriend", just a "someone" I know.
    And last but not least, academically my hole life has gone to shit. College is f*cking hard. In high school I always studied the night before a test, and I only got 9 and 10. Now, I can study a week, a month or a year before, that I can bet that I will not know A SINGLE THING. And then I don't really have the drive to study harder, because not matter how hard I study, the results are always the same.
    Talking about family, I have a truly great one actually. My parents are divorced but they are both really mature not to make any problem about it. That have been divorced since I was 3 year old actually, so I just grew with that. My dad got a "new" wife (who's no longer new because they have been together for 15 year now) and I have a little step -sister who's 8 years old and I completely love. Mom and dad didn't react too well when I got out of the closet with them. There was no violence or anything like that, only the usual cries, screams and, well, some insults and words too. But then that passed and I got the usual "we are going to love you anyway" and that kind of things. I don't want to be mean, but that kind of things don't usually feel to real. Not that my parents don't love me, I'm sure they do, but they're obviously not OK with me being gay.
    Well, to sum up, I fell I'm buried in a life where I'm ugly, sick, lonely, and not motivated enough to do anything about anything, but aware enough to acknowledge this is not OK. Sometimes I think, other guys my age would love to be living the life I'm living. 20 years old, in a big city, alone, with my now car and not having to think about money 'cause daddy pays. That's a dream if you put it on word, but I'm just here just wasting it.
    It's now 5:40AM, I have not slept, I doubt I will... I have an assignment due tomorrow(that is actually already today) which I have not made and I doubt I will. I have a shit tons of stuff in my mind that just won't let me concentrate on anything. And all I can think about is that I would love to have 30kg less and someone to hold hands with. So, if you read all this up to hear, I already owe you a hug, and if you comment something about all this sh*t I put on the table, then the next beer is on me. Thanks.
     
  2. Gravity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2011
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    256
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    To be honest, as far as I can tell, a lot of what you're describing here points toward depression. The sudden weight gain and sudden fall in grades is one part, but you also minimize things a lot - you say you don't have much to complain about, but then it turns out you're struggling with a lot, finally describing yourself as feeling "buried", which is definitely not a happy place. Just to put it out there, it's totally reasonable to talk to someone about this, and you deserve help. :slight_smile:

    It sounds like you've been carrying a lot of emotional baggage as well. Not coming out in high school probably worked great at the time, but perhaps it's left you feeling a bit behind; and your parents might have come around, but it sounds like their initial reaction to your coming out wasn't the best (I've heard of very few cases involving actual physical violence - on the other hand, screaming, crying, and insulting you isn't exactly a pleasant experience, and even if you guys have made progress since then - which is great! - I wouldn't be surprised to hear that the experience left its mark).

    It's hard to say what came first - depression, if that's what's happening, or the negative experiences - and of course it's beyond our ability to determine that for you online. I would honestly recommend talking to a doctor about this - who can better determine if it's depression or something else - and if it is something more emotional than physical (not that they're different things, of course), then they can refer you to someone who can help with that too. Regardless, though, keep posting - telling people about this can only help!
     
  3. PerdHapley

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2016
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey! I can kind of relate to you on some level so I want to send you a,virtual online hug from London! Extra hugs for the scoliosis!!! When it hurts, it HURTS. You need to keep stretching to take the pressure off your muscles.

    I was in your position two years ago but in a different way. High school was okay and then uni hit and I completely lost myself. I was 18, had moved to another city and lost touch with my friends. My course was harder and more boring than I thought it would be and I really struggled to keep up and get good grades. I felt incredibly intimidated by everyone there too: it felt like everyone was richer and smarter than me. In my first three weeks I wanted to drop out, come home and try again the following year. Instead I started skipping class, drinking loads and acting out. I wanted to run away from myself because it was all too much. By 20 I had lost a ridiculous amount of weight and was completely lost. Depressed. Unmotivated. I kind of hated myself.

    It didn't fix itself at uni but I did find some coping mechanisms: texting and skyping my two best friends was the thing stopping me from crying myself to sleep on many nights. Distracting myself with a movie or TV show or going for a walk helped clear the mind. When insomnia hits, allow yourself time for a short nap during the day. Talk to your parents. They love you and clearly support you if they're helping you with your studies:slight_smile:

    The loneliness sucks. University is a place where you're surrounded by people by item feel so desperately alone, but even having one or two people to hang out with really helps and who knows, maybe they can introduce you to someone? Are there any clubs you can join there?

    Lastly, throw yourself into work. It's a win-win. You distract yourself and you get better grades. My grades suffered sooo much midway through my degree because of my frame of mind but they picked up once I used my books as an escape from my thoughts. If you're really struggling, go speak to a tutor or professor. They can help and may offer extensions.

    It's a tough world and it's tough being 20. Coming of age. I honestly think you're being really hard on yourself and you shouldn't be. You're going through a lot!
     
  4. juanma

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2015
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Mendoza, Argentina
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you very much for your answer :slight_smile: I really appreciate it, I owe you a beer haha I've been thinking about talking to a doctor for quite a long time now, I just couldn't come to terms to admit that I do need that kind of help. I can be a little egocentric some times...But I may as well reach for professional help :slight_smile:

    Thank you very much for your answer as well! I really appreciate your advice regarding work and grades :slight_smile: I just started classes again after winter break and I'll try to do my best. Regarding loneliness, it's not that I have problems meeting people, it's just that I seem to stumble upon the wrong kind of people (in my next post I'll talk about that, and something that JUST happened)... I think I have insomnia controlled, at least for now, I hope not to fuck things up, and I'll keep your advice in mind :slight_smile: