1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Finally coming to terms w/ being gay/bi. Help coming out

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by TanMan, Jul 5, 2016.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. TanMan

    TanMan
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2016
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi everyone. Making an account for something that is so personal has been by far one of the hardest things I have done... but I need the support from fellow members. First off, heres a little about me and who I am and why I want (need) the support.

    I'm a 22 y/o male who grew up in a semi religious Christian household. I think I've known that I have had "gay feelings" since I was in 7th grade. I don't know if it's because of the general diversity of people in middle school compared to elementary, but 7th grade was when i felt like all this started. However, back in elementary school, I had one of the BIGGEST crushes on a female classmate. Of course it wasn't anything sexual, but i just had huge feelings for her. So I'm trying to figure out why i have gay feelings. I guess it started when i came into contact with porn. I must admit that i didn't know what i was doing when searching for this kind of stuff. All i remember was that i have a penis, so i should be looking at people who have penises. Like i said, I had no clue on what i should've been searching. This is the only reason that i can think of that gave me these feelings. This mustve been the start of who i am becoming.

    As i grew older and matured (mainly about 14-current), I have hated how i am attracted to guys, but it is always on my mind. To this day, i masturbate to gay porn, and it has always turned me on. Its like I'm addicted to it. When i see guys in public, my eyes instantly go down to their privates. I remember a few months ago in my college class, there was this guy who sat on the other side of the class, and my feelings were so strong for him, it was very difficult to pay attention.

    Anyways, theres one thing i really want to mention about my sexuality. I didn't have many friends growing up, until high school (mainly due to playing football). I had this one friend that i was extremely close to. We did almost everything together (no, just friends, nothing sexual). He was my best friend. About junior year, i became depressed, and our friendship became toxic. We havnt been friends for about 5 years now. The reason why i became depressed, is because i think i was falling in love with him. I hate to admit this, but i honestly think i was. Back to football, sometimes i was curious in the lockerroom, and i would try and sneak looks at some of the guys.

    Well now ive been out of high school (4 years now) and have basically started a new life. I'm currently going to school to become a nurse.

    Starting a new life (well basically just going to college and being around all new people), it has changed my outlook on many different things. For example, and being from a Christian household, my parents are family (majority) are homophobes. They find it disgusting. I even used to think this, but getting away from them and meeting new people, I believe in different things (especially about the gay feelings). Being Christian, i knew that being gay was a sin. I have tried to repress my feeligns and masturbating to gay porn, but it has been nearly impossible.

    Recently, i have had enough of hiding these feeligns and i started watching videos of teens/young adults coming out to their friends and family on youtube. This is something i really want to do, but I'm scared. I'm not financially dependent because i live with my parents, and they pay for my schooling. I want to tell them once i can officially live on my own, because i don't know how their response will be.

    Well i think that's enough about me. I just want the support, and its been eating me on the inside holding all this in. I have simply had enough, and i wanted to share with people just like me. Sorry for such a long post.

    Oh, one last thing. Being a Christian, and most likely being gay (i think i have finally come to the conclusion that i am accepting myself for being gay), i WANT to be married to a woman, and not a man. I want a child of my own. I do have feelings for women, but my feelings for men are much much much more stronger. I guess my sexual attractedness to men is more of a sexual feeling, rather than loving. But who knows. I want to have gay sex, but then i want to marry a woman. Gosh, life is complicated.

    Thanks for listening, and i would love some feedback. I feel so lost right now, but i just had to share this info about me because its eating at me.
     
    #1 TanMan, Jul 5, 2016
  2. Alfhild

    Alfhild
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2014
    Messages:
    89
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bandaríkin
    I have a similar story to you, I grew up in a extremely, extremely conservative Christian family. I was of course been taught that anything but being 100% straight and 100% female is wrong. I was very indoctrinated and extremely religious until my life crashed down sever years ago. But before then, when I was ten, I've never told this to anyone, I used to write (as recent as a year ago) extremely graphic (possibly illegal) hardcore porn stories, predominantly with same-sex sex scenes. I knew it was "wrong" but I couldn't figure out why, which is why I burn them. So started my sexuality-gender issues.
    For me, I don't know if I'm attracted to women or men or not, I don't experience sexual attraction. I was ok with being bi or pan until I nearly entered two potential relationship last year, one was with a woman and after that I wondered about being romantically attracted to women. But the big deal was the potential relationship with the guy that caused problems, yeah, I was romantically attracted to him, but he couldn't "enter" the relationship with me exclusively because I was not "female." I know this has nothing to do with your post, sorry, I'll get back on topic.:bang:
    Anyways, I had gay feelings, that I suppressed, that I hated as well, and at one point, I saw myself as gay. My wrestling with my feeling never got to the point like they must have for you based on your experience in high school, I don't know if it is better or worse that I don't experience sexual attraction. (There is a reason for this obviously, I doubt I am naturally asexual based on those "stories" I wrote) Still watched porn, masterbation, etc. stuff I hated myself for because I was doing them. I had trouble with having friends as well, but after my neurodivergence appeared as an eleven year old, I am unable to form friendships, and most of my childhood friendships weren't that deep, so there was not really a possibility of a relationship forming at all (I had predominantly male friends, with a few female friends, only because I was more sports oriented and a tomboy.)
    But, my life has changed dramatically in the last year, I realized my neurodivergence never went away, and I am back on this site because my feeling of uncertainty of who (or what) I am is driving me crazy. And like you, I desire an exclusive relationship with a man (2.5 children not included, I don't want to end up abusing my children like I am/was), I WANT to be female, I WANT to be straight exclusively for my spouse, just like you. But I still have the desire to write/read/watch/dream/have gay feelings, and I'm pretty sure that if the opportunity presented itself, I would enter a gay relationship.:dry: I don't deny them but I don't like them, similar to you.
    I did try coming out to my mother as asexual, that did not go over well, and even though asexuality is gaining more of an acceptance, the internet and a lot of people (even GSAs) aren't very friendly towards asexuals, (or maybe people just don't like me, I have no idea). So that experience is not surprising. About coming out, if your family is anything like my family, don't. If I came out as gay or even bi, I'd be disowned, counseling, being thrown out of the house on the street, if I was in college... lets just say, no more college. Yes, obviously my parents and I will be estranged as soon as I can leave them. :icon_sad:
    So anyways, my main reason for writing this post is to tell you, that you aren't the only one who, I guess, has/had self-hatred toward themselves. (*hug*) I know it sounds cliche but, I do mean it. And of course it is always good to get things out, online and on these forums are the best place, not only because it is easier (my opinion) based on anonymity, and the wider ability to be accepted... but then I'm an agoraphobe :icon_redf.
    Anyways, I think I've rambled on long enough, welcome to EC :slight_smile: and I wish you the best of luck and always know you aren't alone (&&&) Good luck with school :icon_bigg, and no, your post wasn't "long," you don't need to apologize for speaking your mind and getting the hard stuff out. :eusa_naug
     
    #2 Alfhild, Jul 5, 2016
  3. TanMan

    TanMan
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2016
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You don't know how much that means to me for you saying all this. I greatly appreciate it. I am all so new to this major life event that is currently taking place in my life, and that I am finally accepting myself. Recently, I am so proud of myself for saying to myself, "I am Gay" or "I am Bi". I say bi, because part of me still hates how I am (which I do accept). Now I don't hate gays, its just something I would prefer I didn't have to fight. I want to marry a woman, but I guess that sexual side of me just wants a guy for sex (I'm a virgin).

    Aside from that, I really wanted to tell my brother, but then I remembered how we were brought up; "Gay is not right." But I believe he is okay with gay people, but I still don't know how he would react. a few years ago, one of his friends that he hung out with, admitted that he was gay. They are still friends, but I remember him making comments about what would happen if he had a gay son. It really breaks my heart, because he have no idea that I have these feelings. I have decided that I'm going to wait until I'm finished with school, and I have enough to support myself, before I tell my family.
     
    #3 TanMan, Jul 5, 2016
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)