I've had an odd little journey on this forum over the last week and it's led me to come out to my highly homophobic mum today after some pressure from my dad to tell her as soon as possible. I expected it to go badly but considering that this is the third time I've tried to speak to her about it I wasn't expecting what happened. In no specific order there was: 1) crying 2) screaming (I can't get those screams out of my mind) 3) so much denial - she apparently forgot about the previous times we talked about this. She said the conversations never happened. Said I was "choosing it" because I can't get a boyfriend. 4) "you make me sick" 5) "how could you do this to me?" 6) lots of retching ... Amongst other things. She wouldn't even stand in the bathroom with me when we were brushing our teeth. I feel horrible. I cried a lot. I haven't cried like this in months. I feel really numb now. Empty. I need a hug or something. I spoke to a friend about it but for the first time ever it's not helping. I'm so tired and surprisingly angry. I feel like I'm worthless and meaningless. I feel like nothing. It's like I've let go of the façade and delusions I was parading in my mind but I've lost something. I've lost a lot. I have another 3 months of living at home until I move out for my postgraduate course and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to escape and part of me wants to make everything better by going out with a guy. But for the most part I want to disappear. I can't deal with work tomorrow. I want out of being me just for a little. It's a negative post. I'm sorry. Thank you for reading/listening.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom's reaction. That sounds like no fun at all, and I hope you're able to put the moment itself, at least, behind you soon. That said, you mention that you'll be leaving home soon anyway, so perhaps that's all for the best at this point. Maybe it would be helpful for all concerned if you figured out a way to negotiate through the summer - a way of perhaps avoiding confrontation with your mom, or a way of spending some extended time with a friend, etc. May or may not be a good idea depending on the situation, but if it's going to be exceptionally difficult for you, it wouldn't be totally inappropriate to try to find a way to get yourself, and your mom, some space. You mention that your dad was pressuring you into coming out. What does he think about your mom's response? Is he being supportive at this point? Also, for what it's worth, as awful as it was, I do think it was a good thing to tell your mom. Going back and forth on the "in the close, out of the closet" roller coaster is a lot to ask of anyone, and you deserve to get off of that ride. It's going to be tough for the time being, but assuming it at least stays where it's at, then there is definitely a light at the end of this tunnel, in about three months' time.
Hey, I'm so, so sorry Lemme just outright say this before I go into anything: You're going to be okay. You are still loved. You are still valid, and you still matter. From what you said, it sounds like your dad was at least somewhat accepting, so keep that in mind. Talk to him, and at the very least, try to tough it out until you leave the house, and from there, you can have your space to sort things out. Whatever you do though, don't give up. Everything will work out fine
London is a bit of a trip from where I live, but I'd give you a hug if I could. Just keep your head up and know you are worth more than you think you are. It is a shame that your mother couldn't be more understanding. I agree that maybe you should have a talk with your father, maybe he can get your mom to at least be civil. We call them "mental health days" cause sometimes you just need an extra day off to deal with crap or just destress. It would wager an extra day off would do you some good. Get out of the house, maybe go to a museum or wander around a park, buy yourself some fancy ice cream. You have to take care of yourself, and sometimes a silly little treat does more good than you think it can. Just keep focused on your goals of postgraduate school and creating the life you want to live.
I definitely need space. I feel like a freak right now. I have a job that keeps me out of the house for about 11 hours a day during the week but I feel like I need to leave now just for a week or two. My dad said I shouldn't have been so surprised by her reaction but understood how hurt I was by what she said and did. He spent a lot of time talking to my mum. I'm kind of angry with him because he seemed a bit too flippant about it in my eyes. I may be being oversensitive right now but I wasn't ready to do it and the way he was acting as if it would all blow over soon is annoying. My mum hates gay people and she holds grudges for ages. I do need a "mental health day" haha. I took an impromptu day off last week so I'm not sure if I can do that again. I could pull a "sick day"... Thank you for being so kind and supportive everyone. I really hope things will get better
