Before reading this: I wrote this a while ago. My brother is back home early now (and is still horrible sometimes) and I finished my mock exams. Last Saturday (the day after I accidently came out to my sister: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/214134-accidently-came-out-my-sister.html) my sister told me and my mum that she has been depressed for two years and has recently felt suicidal and has self-harmed. This came as a shock to both of us. I'm really close to my sister, and this has made me really worry for her. My brother (who is working overseas in a hotel for 6 months) has had depression for longer, due to my father's abuse I'm pretty sure. My parents have been divorced for over three years now and we no longer see our father. Me and my brother have little to no relationship because we never did or probably ever will get along, he's just generally a horrible person towards me. However, my mum's worried about him, and now she's also worried about my sister. Today, while she was dropping me off at school (my sister usually would come, but she was going to see her GP who will later direct her to a counsellor) she was talking about my siblings' problems and then some that she's facing (money, relationship). And then she turned to me and she said I was the only one that felt fine, which made me feel sick inside. I'm really not, I just have to act like I am. I'm not out to her, my sister feels like killing herself, I don't feel like I even have a brother and I also don't feel like coming out to my mum would be right now would be appropriate (though I know she would accept me). So I bottle it all up. Added to the fact we have exams coming up, I feel really stressed out. Thanks for reading.
It sucks sometimes when everyone assumes you are ok because you don't let them see that you are hurting. It gets really exhausting pretending to everyone that you are fine.
When I was your age, I retreated deep inside myself and didn't reveal anything to anyone. So everyone thought I was doing just fine and I was also an intelligent kid and talented at sport so on the surface it looked like I was functioning just fine. But inside myself I was struggling and I was probably seriously depressed. Like you, I didn't feel I could talk to anyone, especially not to anyone in my family. But you need to find a way to get support - from your posts you sound like an intelligent and likeable young guy and maybe the first step is to let people around you see that part of you. In other words, make some good Friends in the real world and not just on social media or on this forum. It also sounds like you've got a difficult family situation and your mum is probably also doing it tough, too. My father was present in my life but absent emotionally and it's taken me most of my life to learn to deal with the sadness and pain of being rejected by the person who should have been the father figure in my life (although he was a lousy father) so I can imagine there might be lots of feelings for you to work through about that as well. So even just ignoring the issue of being a gay teenager, you've got lots of good and valid reasons for letting your mum know that you need some help. And a good counsellor or psychologist won't let your mum know what you discuss in the sessions. It's really important to look after your mental health just as much as your physical health. I hope this helps you and encourages you to look for support.
Bottling it up only lasts for so long i did up till about a year and a half ago till i couldn't do it anymore....i nearly got myself hurt because i had mo one i could talk to, most everyone i know is definitely not pro gay and family issues my mom has ptsd my father molested me and my lil brother has Autism sometimes life sucks but it can suck less if you can talk to someone!
