I suppose this could've been posted in the venting thread, since I really am just venting, but I guess I kind of want some feedback… Without further ado, here is my (most likely) long-winded rant about heteronormativity, and, to some extent, homophobes. I have several stories to tell, and for the sake of not having a giant paragraph blob with no intervals whatsoever, I'm giving each story its own paragraph (even though a couple of them happened on the same day). First off, one of the stories that made me the most pissy at the time. We (me, my parents, a couple of uncles, my aunt, my grandma, my step-grandfather, my 5-year-old brother, and my tree cousins, who are all about the same age as my brother) were at my grandma's farm house, and someone had the genius idea of slow cooking ribs over a fire in the afternoon. The story takes place at maybe 10:30 PM (the goddamn ribs still weren't ready), and I was sitting on a log, playing through Persona 4 Golden on my PS Vita for the zillionth time (because Persona 5 hype). So one of my uncles (who brought one of his friends, whom I forgot to mention), sits down next to me (his friend following him around, obviously), and then, he proceeds to make me feel awkward beyond belief. "Do you have pictures of naked women on there?" He asks, referring to the PS Vita. Feeling awkward, I ignore him, and he proceeds to say, "C'mon, dude, we wanna see some naked women!" His friend laughs at this, and I am blushing furiously, but it's dark, so no one sees. My uncle does that kind of thing often, the man infuritiates me. He's a grown-ass man with a wife and three daughters, and yet, he makes more misogynistic comments than most people I've met, combined. Not only that, but his little comments were also extremely heteronormative, though I suppose that's to be expected from society, nowadays. Okay, one story down, tree to go, if I don't think of anything new. Story number two also takes place at my grandmother's farm house, same night, same people, though this time, the amount of perpetrators is much larger, and this story is much less infuriating, though at the time it made me become immensely frustrated, especially at myself, but I'll get to that in a bit. This time it was later, maybe 11:30 PM, and there's a bunch of people sitting around the fire. If I recall correctly, it was my grandmother, my parents, my step-grandfather, and myself. This time around, I'm having a conversation with my astoundingly drunk grandmother (though her tolerance for alcohol is high, her love for the substance is even higher), and somehow, the topic of who I have a crush on came up. I'm not sure why this time up, as I always make it abundantly clear that social areas are not my forte. Anywho, my grandma keeps pestering and pestering, with everyone else egging her on, and I keep denying anything. Eventually, the 'conversation' ends, and I'm left thinking about myself, and why I can't just be 'normal', and date girls, like everyone else I know. I was pretty grumpy for about a week after that. Only two more stories left, thanks to anyone who's read this far! This third story is part of why I don't plan on coming out to my parents until college, and while it's far from true homophobia, it made me extremely uneasy. Me, my parents, and my aunt were in a car together, and somehow the topic of tattoos came up. I believe my mother was talking about how she wanted some kind of tattoo, and then my dad says something along the line of, "Only men and lesbians can get tattoos." Yep. You read that right. My father has always been very patriarchal, so the first part was no surprise, but I was shellshocked by the second part. My mom proceeds to ask why, and he says that tattoos make women less desirable job candidates, but lesbians are already much more unique and diverse, so the fact that they have tattoos doesn't matter. I was shocked by this comment, but my mom just agrees and talks about how patriarchal society is. I'm thinking, "Okay, at least we're not talking about that anymore…" And then for some reason, something comes up in the conversation and my mother says, "Men can be anything, unlike women… Except gay!" Then everyone starts laughing and I chuckle nervously. Thankfully, we arrive at our destination soon after that so I avoid further awkwardness. You can see why I don't plan to come out to my parents while I still depend on them, financially… I don't think they'd disown me, but better safe than sorry, right? This last story is probably the shortest to read, but it is also the most revolting to read, in my personal opinion. Here goes nothing. So I'm browsing. Facebook (as it is my only way to keep in touch with most of my family, they live in Brazil), and I click on the profile of one of my dad's friends. They went to college together, so I expected him to be like my father, a bit patriarchal maybe, but a nice person. I was shocked when I read some of his comments/posts. He wrote things such as "If I saw two men holding hands or kissing in the streets, I would punch them." and "I would rather have a dead son than a gay son." I almost puked when I read these things, I was so disgusted. Okay, now these stories are out there (sorry for the wall of text), I just needed to tell someone, rant a little bit. Feel free to post any feedback or stuff of the like, I would really appreciate feedback about how to deal with crap like this… Thanks for reading, Bahh~ (*hug*)
Yeah, it's hard to deal with family stuff like that. My uncle just explained to me a few days ago at a family gathering that "bisexuality was made up." Between that and a discussion about how "flaming" one of my friend's dad is, it made me very uncomfortable. I'm also not going to come out to my parents until during college, or after that, so we're in the same boat there. In my experience the best way to deal with those kinds of disgusting comments is to take deep breaths and try to calm down when you hear something like that. It doesn't make them any less annoying, and hurtful, but it clears your head a bit. Then I try to find someone to vent to, or write my feelings down. Honestly, I'm not the person to just let those kinds of things go in one ear then out the other; but I've grown to expect them and steer the conservation away from that type of thing. It sucks when it happens, but if you don't want to come out then sometimes the best to do is grin and bear it. You could also tell them that it makes you uncomfortable, but explaining why you're upset can be problematic if you don't want to come out. I've said that the things they say are simply untrue, or offensive, but they don't really care because they think I'm just being too sensitive. When I pushed the subject they questioned me as to why I was so passionate about it, and I stopped there before I let anything slip. Sorry if this doesn't help, but remember that there's a whole community here that you can vent to and ask for advice! Try not to let the comments fester in your head, I learned that one the hard way. Oh, and try to find something that lets you relive some of that stress. That could just be venting or whatever helps you in particular
Regarding the situation with your uncle - frankly, this is the most uncomfortable to me, since I don't see any reason why any adult, family member or no, should be insinuating to a 14-year-old that it's normal to have a bunch of porn on hand at any time and pressuring them to share it with family. I know you mention that your parents' priorities are maybe less than desirable when it comes to LGBT issues, but I would almost suggest mentioning this and how uncomfortable it made you to your parents (you can leave out the reason it made you uncomfortable if you like - I don't think it needs a lot of explanation, to be honest). As far as the rest - it sounds like homophobia may run deep in your family, in all fairness. It's possible that more exposure to LGBT people and their points of view might help change their minds, and realizing that their son is gay may force them to reconsider some of the things they're currently comfortable saying/doing. But in the meantime, perhaps there's someone else you can come out to. Maybe a friend, or a teacher/counselor at school. It might be nice to have a sort of "pressure release" on the situation, and someone local who can give you some feedback based on the social norms where you live.
@L0ser (even though you're not a loser!), I guess all I really can do is grin and bear it… Though I'm extremely glad I found EC so I can vent and the like! ^^ Thank you very much for the advice, and I'll be sure to follow it closely! Sincerely, Bahh~ @Gravity, Honestly, my uncle is far from normal in any way, to this day I question his desicison to have three children, he's one of the most immature people I have ever met, I'd say he's probably more immature than myself (and he's more than twice my age!). If I had to deal with the man on a daily basis, I'd be sure to tell my parents about him, but the thing is that he lives in Brazil, whereas I live in Wisconsin, and only see him once every 2-4 years. He'll probably say something even more disgusting the next time I see him, and I'll be sure to tell my parents then, but this time around, it won't really do me any good… As for the homophobia thing, I'd say my parents and my paternal grandmother are a lot more mellow than the rest of my family (though almost none of them are as bad as my uncle), but I do think having a gay son/whatever-I-am-to-an-uncle/aunt (blanking so hard right now)/however-else-I-might-be-related-to-someone might really do them some good (I don't think anyone in my family on either side is openly gay, it's quite strange). As shocking as this is, I don't think my parents know any LGBTQ+ people, and as a result, I have no LGBTQ+ role model. Anywho, back on topic, even though it'll probably do my family some good, I'm not coming out until I'm financially stable (even though I could definitely stay at a friend's house for an extended period of time, if needed). So they'll just have to wait! As for the coming-out-to-someone-else thing, school therapist is out of the question (that's a whole other story), because I find it impossible to trust them, and I don't know any of the teachers at the school I'm going to next year, however, almost the entirety of my friend group is LGBT+ in some way, and the rest are allies, so I plan on coming out to them soon, once I come back from Spain. I probably would've come out earlier, but I only actually found this group of friends recently (and abandoned the wretched beings who I used to talk to, finally!). Anywho, I feel like I'm ranting and I don't really have anything more to say, so I'm just going to go ahead as shut up. Sorry if anything is incoherent and doesn't make any sense, Bahh~
I don't usually enjoy reading novel-like posts but in this case I made an exception for two reasons: • I liked the welcoming and the way you responded to me in my "hello" topic • You write like a well educated adult without the spelling mistakes I come across pretty much everyday on YouTube. I suck at comforting people, so I won't even try to do that. I feel for you but I don't see what you can do about it. You can't change your family's mind, after all. My mother's a homophobic too and that's why I've decided never to tell her. It's not an overstatement to say that at the moment the whole world knows (my sister included) about my sexuality, except for my mother and our relatives. Three of my relatives are so dumb that if you knock on their heads, they'll respond with "Enter!" and for this reason I doubt they would understand. But they also happen to be the greatest gossip hunters man kind has ever seen which means they'll tell my mother immediately, so I keep it a secret from them as well. Your family's homophobia seems to be somewhat soft homophobia. If I tell you what statements I've heard from human beings, it will make your skin crawl. Like a young family with their a few months old baby whom I heard once in the tram. I had just sit down in the train on a seat in front of that family when I heard the young dad saying "Gays should be burned alive slowly" and his young wife agreed. Altough nobody can tell my sexuality at first glance, I decided not to take any chances, hit the emergency stop and forced open the door. This guy just gave me the creeps with just one line.
@rado84, It's fine that you're no good at comforting people, it's not really my forte either… And though my parents may be homophobic, they're still my parents, so I'm going to tell them as soon as I can, but by as soon as I can, I mean as soon as I can without losing any financial support they're giving me. As for the comment that man and his wife made… That's absolutely chilling, and sometimes it shocks me to learn that there's people like that on Earth, then I remember some of the terrible things that have happened on this planet, and I am no longer shocked. Still. That was a horrid, horrid comment. Sincerely, Bahh~
My point was that they don't seem to so extreme as that young dad and that if you do it right, they may even accept you. Whenever you decide to tell them, you better choose a moment when they're in a good mood. Btw, I envy you in the good way for being born in USA.
@rado84, Finally, something not too long to copy on my phone! xP I see what you mean about the fact that they might even except me, the only problem is that I'm an absolute mess in social situations, and I'm almost guaranteed to botch coming out… Perhaps in the future I won't be so awkward in social situations. By the way, while I've lived most of my life in the USA, I was actually born in Brazil. Still, I'm glad my parents were able to come to the US, it gives me much more opportunities that o would have if I were in Brazil. Sincerely, Bahh~
Bahh, your family seriously sounded like mine in many ways except for the creepy uncle part. I grew up in China and lgbt related stuff have been more or less taboo. When I was around your age, most people including my family were not extremely hateful towards homosexuals but were still weirded out or disgusted. I was always sympathetic towards marginalized groups way before I realized my own sexuality, so my family upset me a lot when they occasionally made random comments or jokes about gay people. Misogynistic comments were far more frequent though. It usually took the form of 'this poor girl would never find a good husband because she is too educated/assertive/tall/muscular/etc. Those comments hurt me more than the lgbt ones. For a long time I felt the person I wanted to become (strong and educated and assertive) would be the exact type my family disliked. I spent a very very long time loving my family but hating what they said, then hating myself for hating them because such comments were very common so why did I have to be so damn 'politically correct'... It also did not help that my family were really nice and kind. They were always willing to sacrifice time/resources to help others out. My mind just could not reconcile everything and my mental well-being suffered a lot because of it. My advice to you is to love your family but ignore what they say, and never ever let them get to you. It is incredibly hard for someone your age when you pretty much need your family for everything. But you can start training yourself to be more indifferent if they make hurtful and judgmental comments. I know some people would suggest you educate your family and change their attitude. I don't know how realistic that is but that's your call. My family finally came around. I strongly suspect that they never changed their opinions on those matters, but after seeing me miserable for many years, they decided they would just agree with me to make me happy. I am also not dependent on them anymore and we don't live together. So that minimizes the chances of conflicts and confrontations. You are very young (half my age lol) and there are tons of things out of your control. Be patient and plan for the future!
@yuanzi, Thank you for the wonderful advice, and for sharing your experience! It certainly makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who has experienced things like this. I want to write something more, but I'm way too tired… So, uh, thanks again, I guess. I can't really think of anything else to say (I just woke up!). >-< Sincerely, Bahh~
Regarding yuan zi's advice on educating your parents: Unless you are sure they won't suspect anything when you stand up for your opinion, I'd think twice before advocating anything. I personally believe education on taboo topics should be done by people who can't be accused of bias. For example, a married heterosexual person with kids, who represents "the norm", will always have a credibility advantage over you. Seek out people in your family (they must also preferably be close to you) that you know support LGBT or are more open minded to discuss this kind of things. It's so much easier to "educate" a person that is already supportive than someone who vehemently disagrees with you. Having a couple of relatives back you up, your point will make much more of a difference in family gatherings or whatever events you partake in.
