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Being touched.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Secrets5, Jul 15, 2016.

  1. Secrets5

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    I'm sorry if this sounds silly - but I really hate being touched. Especially when I have no control over who is touching me and to what extent. I try to move away, but some people have a go at me for moving away without telling them I hate being touched - but when I'm being touched I can't think rationally in that moment to tell them, I need to move away first. Allowing them to continue before moving away will give them the impression I allow it until I say something - and I don't want to allow it. I don't like kissing, or hugging, and definitly not sex - even though I've never done these before the idea of it [in a hetero or homo relationship] seems really disgusting and makes me panic. Hand holding would be okay as long as I am able to break the hand holding when it gets too much. Being touched, such as on the shoulders by people who want to get my attention or just lean on me the idea freaks me out and I panic with this. I guess it's just not being able to control what they're doing to me - even if they think there's nothing wrong. I fear that random people will touch me for some reason I do not know since they are strangers - and what if they get mad at me for getting angry with them for touching me? I should be able to move away from someone touching me and ask them to stop but it seems people think there's something rude about me for asking this. I fear people using conditions like autism to get away with touching me, and I have to ''allow'' them to continue to do so because they have this condition. It seems I can't get out of being touched in that situation, and it worries me. I'm not sure if I should try to change myself to make me okay with being touched since most other people want to be touched, but perhaps this is something I don't need to change about myself just because others like it. Why should I allow them to when it panics me - especially if they know already? I know people won't see this as a ''big deal'' but being touched makes me panic and worry and feel trapped. Most people, I know, will see it as affection - and my grandparents get upset with me and try to guilt-trip me into hugging - but it's the opposite of affection to me. If somebody I'm dating doesn't like this - then they can leave me, I'm not going to force them to stay with me. So then why should people, dating or not, force me into allowing them to touch me when I've already said I don't like it.

    Anyway, I guess what I'm asking is if there are any ways I can tell people I don't like being touched in a way that will get them to listen? (since sometimes I phrase sentences in a way that doesn't get out what I mean and this can confuse myself and others when they don't understand). Also, if there is anything they will try to say back to get me to ''allow them'' to touch me so I can try to come up with a way to respond if they try this?

    Please note that we're assuming the touching, whilst other people won't perceive me being in any harm, worries me to a point that I think it can be considered emotional harm - especially if it is intended to worry me or continuing to do so even though I've expressed worry towards it.

    Thank-you.
     
  2. YuriBunny

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    I'm kinda the same way, at least with most people. The people I know have gotten used to it.

    However, sometimes they are a bit insensitive about it... My sister recently has been insisting on physical contact with me every so often, despite my screaming and crying about it. People just don't understand. >.< When someone touches me, it feels as if I am being attacked. (I have autism, which I believe is the reason. I have been this way from a young age.)

    You can try reminding people over and over, and if they are considerate then they will stop. Some people though, might think it's weird and not take your complaints seriously... Be sure to tell them in a firm voice so that they are more likely to take you seriously. You could say it like, "I'm not comfortable with physical contact," perhaps? Or, "I don't like to be touched"?
     
  3. Invidia

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    Hi there. I dislike being touched too, so I'll try to give some advice here.

    Now, your current, immediate need of privacy is important. However, it is also important to consider whether this need is 'organic', in the sense that it's just a part of your personality at a very fundamental level, or if it is caused by trauma - a possibility often unprobed though existing.

    Now, in my case, my fear of touching stands in a one-to-one direct causal relation to a childhood trauma. Before that I was often, though reserved, quite touchy-feely. Now I have to disappoint my friends or family because I don't want to hug. I often need several feet of distance between myself and a person to feel safe.
    Do you have any trauma you might connect to a fear of being touched? Because you are right. If this is really, truly who you are, then trying to change yourself to being more touchy probably isn't for you, unless you personally feel like you want to change a bit. Authenticity is too often brought to the extreme, I think, not least by myself - as some person said, we're different people all throughout our lives. So if you do not have a trauma and want to change a bit, just do it, unapologetically.
    But if there is a trauma, then bringing it up is important because likely, deep down, you do want more connection - I know I do - but you fear it.

    The second possibility I see is that there is no trauma and you simply don't like being physically touched. Now, this could be for example because of some social anxiety - do you have problem areas in social situations otherwise? Otherwise when you say you're disgusted by the idea of everything it sounds like it's possible that you're on the asexuality spectrum. Is that something you identify with? Or, it could just be a quirk, for lack of a better word. Just a little part of you that doesn't need a label. If that's how you see it.

    Ultimately, one effect of this for the time being, and indefinitely if it is, as mentioned, something more fundamental to you, is that your dating pool is critically drained. I will be the first to admit that even though I am personally afraid of touching, I would not date someone who would not be open to hugging, kissing, and sex (unless I saw them as my soulmate). And so would few else, I think. And even if so were, it might be difficult to find someone who would stick with you through the years, if that's what you want, in fidelity without any physical intimacy. An asexual person would likely be up for it, however, and of course there would be others who would be too.

    So, I advice you to think about the root of this aversion of yours before making any final decisions.

    As for your immmediate needs, communication is key. A grain of humor might help, also. It's good to say that you don't want to be touched to those who would otherwise want to touch you, such as your grandparents. Just say clearly "I don't really like hugs that much", and they should understand (should doesn't mean they will, but hopefully they will). Try to keep a positive attitude. Bite back the anxiety for just a second and tell them with a smile that you don't like it and would prefer if they stopped.
     
    #3 Invidia, Jul 15, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2016
  4. Gravity

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    First off, plain and simple, in the short term, if you don't want to be touched, you have every right to tell the person so ahead of time, and to preempt such a situation if you feel like it's a possibility. You have every right to be in 100% control of yourself and your surroundings in that sense. :slight_smile:

    Now, that said, it sounds like this goes to the point where it hampers your day-to-day activity. I don't believe I've ever heard of avoiding physical contact completely as a healthy personality attribute - though again, you and anyone else have to right to say when you are touched and not, especially concerning more in-depth physical contact such as sex - but not touching infants, for example, is considered a form of neglect that can impede a child's emotional growth (and likely other forms of development as well).

    If this is something that causes feelings of panic and a disability to engage with the world around you, even at the thought of it, then I think it's appropriate to seek some professional help, here. Casual contact is a part of life (handshakes, exchanging money, miscellaneous manual labor), and if even that isn't doable, then I think there's something that needs to be addressed.
     
  5. Shorthaul

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    I suggest a little spray bottle with water in it, just spray the person before they can get to close. Or a straight arm like American football players use to avoid tackles.

    Okay those might be a bit silly. The simplest solution is kind of the hardest, as you should just tell them to stop. You don't need to give any reason other than you just don't want to be touched at that moment or any moment really.

    Invidia and Gravity raise good points. If it is getting to the point were day to day normal contact is causing a problem for you, it is time to seek professional help. Because there are people for what ever reason, they have to touch people. I know a few people who insist on a hug any time they see you.