Hey, hoping you're having a nice day and stuff. I'm just gonna rant. When I was little (let's say 5yro) I was playing with one of my cousins, he was like 13yro I guess, and he kissed me and I (obviously) freaked out or so I remember. I also have memories of my brother (who is 5 years older than me) doing some ''experimentation'' with me, I guess you could call it that, nothing actually explicit but I do remember that he had me straddle him once, around the same time maybe. When I was 6yro there was this anime that played at night on Cartoon Network, it was called Inuyasha, and I remember feeling butterflies when I saw it, and just wishing that this guy Inuyasha would take me on the fun adventures he went to and stuff, nothing sexual nothing romantic but I really do believe I had a crush on him cause I was even jealous of the lead girl cause she got to spend time with him and I didn't. Ages 7-11 were pretty average, I liked some girls during that time, not many friends (just one real friend). Then before I turned 12 I met the guy who is currently my only friend and I also started to ''develope a sexuality'' and started watching porn, I grew bored of straight porn fast and I started to watch gay porn. I thought I was gay for a while and I was also very sexual back then thinking about f**king pretty much everyone. When I turned 14 I came out to my best friend and another guy I was friends with back then, and they were completely ok with it. My first crush was this guy who was like ''the hot guy'' in my class, he ''dated'' a new girl each week (but we were 14 so I guess they ate ice cream and made out and that was it) and one day I overheard him when he told a friend of his that he was bi. I fell for him in a matter of days and started to pursuit a friendship with him (which wasnt hard cause I was the smart guy and I helped him with homework and stuff) and he flirted with me, a lot, but the school year ended and we never spoke to each other during summer break, and when school started again it was like our friendship never happened. Regardless I have fond memories of that period cause it was a sweet innocent crush (prob the only one Ive had). I even remember dreaming of him and being extra shy the day after, like somehow he'd know he was holding my hand in my dreams. When I was 15 I liked a girl but it was very brief and she had and on and off relationship with another guy so we ended up being friends. By this time I started to realize I wasn't completely gay. Then I met my second crush. The shallow, barely-there friendship I had with him would end up being my biggest regret and the source of my deep depression (the number one reason I'm writing this here). He lived near my house so every day we would walk home together after school. He was a bully, bad student, did drugs, was kinda ugly and talked a lot about sex, every girl in my class was afraid of him or disgusted by him and most guys thought he was funny. But when he was with me, when we walked home, every day, he was pretty much perfect. He was very thoughtful and protective of me, defending me against his friends all the time, and he waited for me every day even when I had to do something before walking home. He talked about politics and philosophy, and loved NatGeo and Discovery. He made me laugh a lot too. And he was bi. He also flirted with me a lot but back then I don't know what the f**k I was thinking and I ignored everything about him. I was busy trying to be ''popular'' or something so I never tried to make an actual friendship out of our walking-home agreement and apart from that we barely did anything together. Then the year ended and he moved to another school and I never texted him or anything. When I was 16 I met a girl, who was 15, and we were friends for a while but then I started to like her, really really like her, and I told her so. She wasn't interested at the time we grew closer with time and eventually we started to date. I liked her so much, but then the feelings just went away, and I didn't know what to do about it so I just distanced myself from her and told her that I didn't like her anymore. This is another huge regret I have. She is the living proof that Im f*cked up and deserve all the shit that is happening or will happen to me. In short I treated her like sh*t time and time again until I made a monster out of myself, all the time thinking I was doing the right/mature/expected thing. Thats another thing about me, I always believe I have finally grown up and that now Ill make good decisions but I always end up f*cking it up, and regretting everything. When I was 17 I saw the guy I walked home with, at a party, he was dressed like he lived there (which he didnt) and looked like he hadnt shaved in weeks. I thought he looked gorgeous. I found his number after asking a lot of people for it and texted him. He smoked weed every day and invited me to smoke with his friends a couple times, I always said no cause I wanted to smoke with him alone. I bugged him and bugged him about meeting me, we lived very close and I wanted to see him and tell him that I liked him, that I wanted to spend my boring afternoons with him listening to rock music and smoking weed. I thought I would finally have something interesting in my life but he just flipped me off and never talked to me again. I regret bugging him so much and I obviously regret not smoking with him and his friends. So I finished school and spent a lot of months doing nothing, eventually meeting with my only friend to watch a movie or something, but that's pretty much the only thing we do. I used to tell him my problems before but he always ignored it (I dont blame him its just that he doesnt really care about anything). I havent talked to him in a while for this same reason but I don't know what to do about him since he's the only friend I have. When I turned 18, this year, in February, it all went downhill. I realized I wasnt a teenager anymore and I was alone. I had finished high school and I was completely alone, without any memories to look back to. My life had been totally boring and empty and felt like I had died, and the person I saw in the mirror was a corpse. I spent a lot of time in my room thinking about all the things I regreted (everything) and about how my life had ended, and nothing good would ever happened to me again. Then I started to think about how everything in life was meaningless and so was I. Depersonalization disorder Definition: Hell. Depersonalization disorder is this thing that happens to people who are suffer from a combination of depression and anxiety, and basically you end up feeling like you aren't real and things around you aren't real. You're never sure if you actually woke up. And it's hard to be present cause most of the time you don't even know what happens around you. Most people also experience many nihilistic existencial thoughts of extreme hopelesness. Let's call it ultra depresion. I had never wanted to die so much in my life. Seeing myself so deep in the hole I finally talked to my sister (I have one sorry I forgot to mention that) and her boyfriend, since I trust them and stuff (but they're kind of homophobic so not that much) and they helped me talk to my parents and so I told them all I was going through a depression and had experienced anxiety attacks (a very Disney version of what I was actually going through) and it helped somehow, made me feel lighter even tho it wasnt the whole truth. I also read more about depersonalization and stopped being afraid of it, things went a lot better after that. SO. Here I am. I still feel depressed most of the time. I'm still alone. I don't want to die and I'm proud of it but I also feel like nothing has changed and life is still not that appealing. I spend time with my sister and her bf and with my parents but I still feel empty, like a waste of space. I constantly feel bad for the fact that my parents have to buy food for me. Gasping, but somehow still alive. This is the fierce last stand of all I am.
Quite a long post you have there, I must admit, but I'm thankful that you shared your story nonetheless. The events that occurred in your life are rather sad, but I think it's a good thing that the guy who you walked with didn't want to know more about you at the party because smoking weed isn't really healthy. Do you go to college? Do you have a job? Either way, try meeting people around you and become friends with them, I'm sure it will help. You really need more people to talk to. Are your parents homophobic? If not, certainly tell them about how you feel towards the same gender as yourself. You can't always keep it for yourself, so do find someone who is interested in such that you could talk about it with them further. I think you might be missing some self-esteem. You should work on that because I believe that you are a great person that has made a couple of mistakes, but who doesn't. You have value. Don't give up. I recommend finding the positive things in life. Look at what you already have, not what you're missing. This will make you realise that you aren't really alone, you still have some people with you. I hope this helped and I wish you good luck! Stand strong! ^^
Well I jumped over many important things cause the post was already very long as it was so here it goes: -My brother's gay, he came out to my parents when I was 15 and my mom almost lost it, she cried for weeks and even know they haven't fully accepted it, I don't think they ever will. BUT I can hardly blame them cause my brother ended up being the most selfish, immature, rude, annoying, heartless person I've ever met. I can truly say he doesn't love us (his family) in any way and that he only thinks about himself and those he can f*ck. I barely talk to him and I honestly don't think of him as my brother. Because of that telling my parents I'm not straight is out of question but I don't think that specific issue bothers me at all. -College will start in October. I tried to have a job but there's no part time jobs here and a full time job mixed with my widly unstable mind leaved me emotionally spent in a matter of weeks. I had a huge breakdown and ended up smoking cigarettes to avoid exploding so... I know I should get a job to be helpful to my family but I'm clueless as to how to approach it without wanting to die. Your comment is still appreciated. Thanks a lot. For real. I honestly don't know what I was expecting out of posting this here I guess I just wanted to write it all down, see if things made more sense that way. Either way, thanks.
