hey fair warning this is going to just be a blob of really depressing shit so if you want to avoid that (totally get that, trust me) continue on with your day <3 ok im not gonna sugar coat it, i feel like a torched mound of shit. ive been having problems with some bad depression for about a year now (man time flies) and meds help me control it but i still have bad nights like tonight, and last night for that matter. now ive had some brushes with suicide before, mostly talking my friends (and an ex girlfriend, once) down from it, but it was always something distant for me. then a week ago i had a belt around my neck and i was basically going to pull as hard as i could and just try to strangle myself. only reason i didnt was because my mom took me fishing with my stepdad. last night i had another less severe moment where a couple of my friends talked me down. one was even about to march herself over to my house. you may be asking yourself why? when im a 3.-something average gpa college student with a job, and honestly i cant even pin it down anymore. closest i can get is what i told my girlfriend, which was something along the lines of "im an emotionally fucked teenage girl inside a hairy white dude's body." man, lemme tell you am i dysphoric as shit. which is especially nice when one half of your head that used to make the most offensive and cruel jokes possible about anyone not normative to "fit in" says "no this is wrong what the fuck are you thinking you fucking freak" and your own mother just cant come to terms with the fact that youre trans when there's "nothing feminine about you." sorry, rambling. i guess im just looking for some sort of help here, some coping method, some strategy, some encouraging quote, fuck if i know. just something to help me get through another year of this shit so i can get in to see a gender counselor. thanks whoever reads this with love jeanie
If you are going to see someone about it, focus on that. Use that as your beacon or anchor or any silly analogy you want... Just focus in on that you will get help and it will get better. It won't be better tomorrow or next week, but slowly it will get better. Everyone has shitty days, literally and figuratively. I had one last Friday, five minute job that took more than an hour and involved getting a fork lift that was new when Noah built the Ark stuck in dry dirt... The last literal shitty day was a few years ago but me and a Septic pumping truck ended up in a septic tank. Yeah, knee deep in it. Just remember, you aren't alone in your struggles and people do care. Its been six months since my last suicidal thoughts. I'm not going through the same thing you are, but I get the just wanting to give up thing. It's hard, but it has been slowly getting better.
If you're on medication already, and have a doctor monitoring your use of them, the first thing I would suggest is talking to your doctor. If they're not helping, or you're thinking about suicide more often, then it's something they need to be made aware of, and likely something they can help with. Also, since you mention that you're waiting to see a gender counselor, but also that you're a college student now, one thing I would ask is, why wait? Many universities have a variety of counseling resources for students, and though gender counselor may vary, they could be able to refer you to someone now (and if you get a referral from your school, the cost may or may not fall under whatever student insurance or benefits you get). Finally, keep posting and talking about it! Sharing your feelings and thoughts here is important. Don't give up on that.
Thank you both for your advice, especially you, Gravity. Reason why I was waiting was a combination of not knowing exactly where to start (diving in to generic therapy hopefully soon) and the issue of just being unsure of everything and letting my depression gnaw at my insecurities and uncertainties. But I'll definitely work on posting more and trying to help others and all that. Thank you both again so, so much. It means the world. <3
