TW for mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts I don't know how to start this but I've been depressed, really badly, for about a month and a half. Usually I'd have breaks of mania in between but not this time, it's just straight depression. It's my fifth attempt at quitting self harm, that doesn't even work anymore. Hurting myself doesn't make me feel better. I don't want to die, I used to but that won't help anything, I still lived in the first place. I don't feel useful or interesting at all. All I do is lie around and cry and get mad at people. I'm annoying even when I'm happy, no one wants me around but if I died then suddenly they all care about me. I don't know why, no one wanted to be friends with me, my family didn't want a girl. Then they start to think that I'm trans but they don't want a trans child either so I'm fucked either way. So I could wish that I'm cis but they don't want a gay child, I just shouldn't exist then. Because I don't want to be a girl or trans or gay either. I don't even know if I'd want to exist as a cis straight person because it's too hard to do anything. I've tried talking to counselors and praying and making friends and medication and nothing works. That's all the advice they ever give me and if it doesn't work, what else is there? I don't feel like I want to be saved anyway, I don't have any personality or interests, I'm not good at anything. No one needs me around and I'm making people's lives harder, I shouldn't have let my parents know I was depressed because it just made them stressed (should it be any surprise to them anyway?). I'm not a good person, I don't smile or talk enough. I don't have any purpose. I don't even know why I'm posting this, I just wanted to get my feelings out. I think I'll regret it later, I don't want to depress people.
Hey. Same thing happened to me. You do have a purpose in life. It is to be a unique part of the world. You deserved to be born. Here. Hope this helps even if it's a little bit. (*hug*) I've gone through this it gets better. I promise. ---------- Post added 24th Jul 2016 at 05:52 PM ---------- If you didn't deserve to be born, God wouldn't put you on this earth. He did. He made the choice to have you exist. If he thinks that you deserved to be born, then you deserved it.
Depression can be really overwhelming, and sometimes it does take a while for it to pass. In time, not even a long time, you can come to see that you can enjoy this life and do good, worthwhile things. It can take a little while. Take care of yourself until you get there. Call for help, ask for help, if things get too bad.
First off (*hug*) Sounds like your deep in the depression hole, it's a shitty cycle, once you start down that depression path you lose sight of anything else, you can't breath, you can't move without falling deeper in, I would never claim to know how you feel, but I have been low, really low, I've been down to the bottom of that hole. And I did not like what I found. Part of what dragged me out was being at the bottom, it literally felt like I landed on my ass but there was no where to go but up from that point, I found a small handhold, my cat, and I held onto her with everything I had and picked myself back up on my feet. Then a few days later I found another small handhold, it was a joke, and a stupid one,- "Knock, knock, who's there, Tomato, Tomato who, Tomato you" it didn't make me laugh, but it made me smile, I held onto that smile as hard as I held onto that cat, with everything I had. A few more days past and there was another one, a friend, not that he did anything in particular(or even knew I was depressed) but he was there and I held onto the thought of friendship and pulled myself up a bit further. It was slow and there were set backs, but that's how I pulled myself out of a deep depression back when I was in my teens. One smallsmile at a time. Try to remember that your still young, there's a whole world out there for you to see and explore, things that you can't even imagine rate now. Experiences that will alter your life in ways you can not foresee or even fathom. Alls you have to do is make it through your youth and the entire world will open up for you to explore.
Most of the times it feels like your personality changed due to depression. Try to find your old character traits and use them to your advantage. Me, I'm very curious so I set an alarm clock every day to research for 1 hour. I realized it's not that terrible and could have fun again after 3-4 weeks already. The only one who can fight the black dog is you. But you HAVE the strengh to do so. It's hidden deep down, but if you search long enough you find it. Don't let relapses hold you down. I have had countless. Stopped counting after 12. I am now clean again for 5 month. It's everything but easy if you have depression to fight, so focus on that and the cravings will be weaker and less frequent. But nevertheless, they are there. I suggest ice cubes or warmth creme. I prefer smoking and working too much, but these are unhealthy habits and if you're not already doing these, don't start. The former skills work very well also. If you're already having these habits, you might aswell use them to your advantage, so they have at least some good.
If you take a step back and look at your post Spot you will see lots of catastrophic wording and that's maybe part of the problem. I know it's very hard when you are depressed, but you really can make it worse and become complicit in your own despair by engaging in the use of defeatist language. If you say things like... I don't feel useful or interesting... I'm annoying... Nobody wants me... I don't have any personality... I'm no good, it's pretty overwhelming, don't you think? If you tell yourself these things often enough, you will start to believe them. It sounds like you already do really, but there is no fixed reason why you should. What are the good things about you? What are the positive things? What do you care about? I refuse to believe there is nothing. You say you've tried talking to counsellors Spot, but when was that? How many sessions did you attend? How many counsellors did you speak to? How and why did it end? Same questions for the medication really. I've had depression and I know it's very hard. I know how the despair creeps up on people and self harm only offers an unsatisfactory, temporary reprieve, but giving up and giving in locks you in that terrible cycle where we begin to focus on dark and never on the light. As hard as it is, you need to dig in and push back with all of your might and lean on people who care (like people on this forum) to help you along. Sometimes it begins with 'can do' thoughts, rather than 'can't do' thoughts.
So, it's difficult to find out that you don't want to die, but rather wish you had never been born. I know that feeling too, personally. Today will be my ten days clean on self harm mark, and I think you should start with that. I know you said this is your fifth attempt, and it took me a few times to stop as well, but I believe in you! Give yourself little reminders, whether it be on your device or maybe little things written in sharpies along the places you usually cut. It'll motivate you to stop. Make yourself think positively and small instead of negatively and big. So instead of saying, "Nobody loves me and I didn't deserve to be born on this earth," think, "I can treat myself to a slice of pizza today." Notice how the second one focuses on today? Tomorrow can be scary, so it's better to think about now, about today. Unless you're making specific plans, try to think only about what you will do today. Not what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow, just today. Hope this helped somewhat and I hope you get clean soon. Self Harming is a nasty habit and though I do get urges, I've recognised it's best to stop before further damage is done.
