My life feels meaningless and I am so depressed. I shoudn't still depend on my family , yet here I am in my 20's still very dependent on them. I am jobless and I let anxiety get the best of me. What hurts me the most is that everyday lost is another day that I have to live the way that I am. I have to live as a unaccomplished failure but also as a guy. I have hated my body and how I looked since I was a small child then I started crossdressing to vent at like age 12. My mom found out and spread news to my whole family so they could all give their harsh feelings and words. I admitted to them the feelings that I have but they didn't care. I don't know why it escalated to them getting involved and why they had to torment me for years. Sad thing is after years of trying to destroy a part of me , I end up dressing up again. I live with people that would only love me one way as a guy and don't like trans people in general. But the fact that I haven't found a way to leave people like them behind makes me feel sick to my stomach. But what can I do without any skills in life and acquiring them hasn't worked well. I really don't have any dreams anymore. I don't know why I should be living still. I am by no means suicidal but I don't know how to restore any hope for me.
It sounds like you have a lot of negative influences in your life, and not too many positive ones. In other words, I'm not surprised to hear that you're struggling - I think most anyone would be in your situation. Unfortunately, other people can't provide you something to live for - you'll have to find that yourself. And you mention being dependent on family, which can make that difficult. Is there any sort of outside support or a proactive step that you feel like you could take? For example, seeing a counselor, or enrolling in a community college? The latter might help open up student loan money for you (though it could be risky to depend on that alone), and possibly open up cheap or free counseling to you, depending on the resources available at the school. Also, if there's any sort of LGBT community center nearby, or a PFLAG chapter, it might help to get in touch with them and see if they have anything that can help support you. If nothing else, being around people who see you, and treat you, as normal might be a huge pressure release.
