i was addicted to gay porn n gay msturbation thoughts. like being a bottom gay. i had an experience last evening with a top. n it felt horrible. like i was indulging in self hatred throughout. like cursing myself, this is waht you want, then have it. go ahead, your worthless piece of shit, this is what i was thinking. then i went home n masturbated to straight porn. then i felt so shame at the things i did with the guy. the way he treated me as if i'm his personal property n the fact that i have wanted that to happen to me. i feel shame n like i have no self respect. i'm 26 n this is horrible. like what kind of a creature i am.
Hi, and welcome. I'm sorry you're having such difficult feelings. I'll try to help. First, I'm trying to understand how what you're describing related to HOCD (which, by the way, doesn't exist as a standalone condition; there is only OCD.) From what I am getting, you enjoy watching gay porn, masturbating thinking about guys, and imagining bottoming, and then you had a hookup with a guy who topped you. None of those sound remotely like anything to do with OCD; on the contrary, it sounds like the early stages of someone who is recognizing that he is gay, and is struggling with accepting those feelings. I don't hear anything saying that there's any OCD here, and I don't hear much that indicates you're actually straight. What I do hear is someone who knows he has attraction to other men, but hates himself for having those feelings. As we begin the process of accepting that we aren't straight, there are stages we go thorugh: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. What I hear from what you're saying is in the denial and early anger stages. And I get that in your culture, being gay may not be widely accepted, which would create a lot of shame. But the important piece is this: You can't change who you are. The feelings for guys aren't OCD. They are hardwired attractions that don't change. So you can resist them and deny them and pretend they are something else... or you can start the process of accepting and loving yourself as you are. Being gay doesn't mean being with abusive guys who treat you as an object or as their personal property. But it does mean that you can be in a loving relationship with someone who cares for you and loves you, but just happens to be a guy. And I think as you begin to think about this and process it more, I hope you'll come to be able to accept and love yourself.
i was sexually abused as a child. i keep on thinking that had that not happened life would've been much simpler. accepting myself would've been easier then.
