hi everyone. so I don't even know if the title of this thread encompasses everything I want to say but... i have borderline personality disorder which not only means that I am constantly and obsessively invalidating my sexuality - telling myself I'm a fake lesbian and basically taking all of the homophobia i experience to heart, illogical as it seems - but my illness has given me a further reason to fear coming out to my family. most of my family, including my mother, is very religious. Around a month ago I decided that I wanted to test the waters with my mum by opening a discussion about lgbt rights. The response I got was discouraging and, frankly, terrifying - I was told that being gay is a sin, a disgusting lifestyle, a mental illness, and one that can and should be cured by therapy. when i asked "But what if me or my brother one day came out as gay?" she hovered around the topic by saying that us being gay would be DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE because she raised us "properly" - not like those damn "westerners" and their dirty, riotous, disturbing lifestyles. also, she was confident in the fact that she would have "known" anyway. when i urged her to give a proper answer, she said "I would have a heart attack". naturally, the whole conversation left me shaking and crying. i really hope i haven't given her any clues. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my mother's deeply harmful and homophobic views would result in my coming out being a disaster. she'd undoubtedly lump my sexuality along with the rest of my disordered personality traits, calling me confused (as she does whenever i proclaim an unconventional view) and being quick and desperate to invalidate me. my relationship with my mother has always been odd, and one which I feel is always healthier when we are apart. i have been subject to physical abuse, gaslighting and other sorts of emotional manipulation. when i announced a year ago that i was going vegan she started screaming at me, knocking over furniture, comparing me to ISIS, calling me sick names and threatening to never talk to me again. and that was just a simple effin diet change ffs. ultimately, as you can imagine, i cannot trust her. but i am in love with a girl and i fear that although i might be safe as a closeted gay girl now, i envision chaos in the future from a family which will ultimately be keeping tabs on my life well throughout adulthood. in conclusion: i am scared sorry to bore y'all
Oh sweetheart *hugs* I can't imagine how awful that feels. Your mother sounds..... frankly, unstable. To actually become so violent over a change in diet. And to physically abuse you. Hun, you are an AMAZING person. This is not your fault, and DO NOT let your mother guilt you in ANY way. Trust me, do not let her. If you're financially dependent on your family, I know it hurts but you need to wait on coming out or perhaps risk winding up homeless. That aside, if it's only relations to your family that worry and sadden you, the fact is you can never change your family. Trust me, I wish we could change their views and make them love us for who we are but sometimes it's just impossible. In the end, if you do lose them, then it's THEIR loss, not yours. Your mother frankly sounds like a nightmare, and a poisonous influence on you. I know it's a scary thought to lose your family, but you need to surround yourself with people who actually love you, not people who are SUPPOSED to love you. In any case, I hope you find a bright light soon my dear, and you can always message me if you need someone to talk to <3
I'm also a lesbian, and I also have bpd! It sounds like your Mom is downright abusive. anyway, I'm so sorry you're going through that. It sounds terrible. If you aren't seeing a therapist for your bpd, I would suggest seeing one (if you have the time and the money). I guess I don't have any solid advice, but, just know that you're not alone and I wish you all the best! ❤
hi, thanks nico and ghostly for your replies <3 I'm stunned by how kind you both are. I really don't know what to make of my relationship with my mother, as I guess it is something which fed into the development of my bpd, but then again... she is for the most part a loving and supportive person. the worst stuff is a distant memory, although it hits hard now and again, but she seems to be okay with me as long as I seem to be conforming. she's the sort of person who doesn't know how to tolerate change/non-conformity, so resorts to terror tactics as soon as something odd is apparent. nico, yes I am still financially dependent on my family. I once asked my mum "would you ever kick me out of home if I did something bad" and she said of course not. I was only asking because I had had a nightmare the night before of her beating me up and threatening to tie me up in a bin bag till I suffocate... before kicking me out. I guess I just needed her to quell my inevitable paranoid mess which I became the day after haha. my father is more tolerant however, but I am just not emotionally ready for the chaos that will unfold if I come out. I mean, I already cry uncontrollably for other reasons. ghostly, yes I was seeing a therapist in the uk (who I sort of fell in love with... ouch) and she was amazing. now that I am living in spain, I will be having access to therapy soon after I obtain residence here I hope that things are alright for the both of you xx
ps. another thing that freaked me out was my mum saying that gay people should be "treated" (I think she's referring to so called conversion therapy?!!) for their mental illness :/ and my dad thinks homosexuality is a choice, because apparently he is utterly and totally convinced that lgbtq+ doesn't exist in the middle east. ok I'm going to stop now
