The more I come out, the more I shut down emotionally

I feel like I'm going to implode even though I have a lot going for me and even more to look forward to. I'm not looking for reassurance about my orientation through this post. I'm just in a very fragile place right now and I don't know where to turn.

Last summer I came out as bi to two friends. They were supportive. I felt great, started noticing women more and embracing that side of me again. My previously nonexistent sex drive came back. A few months later I realised that my crushes on men were more desperation and anxiety than attraction, and that I never really wanted to do anything with the guys I liked: I just wanted a boyfriend and my first kiss. I got depressed, saw a therapist, came out as a lesbian to the therapist and the same two friends. They were supportive, but I was insecure. I became worried that I liked certain men and the anxiety generated made me believe it.

In the winter, I stopped trying to make myself get off to the thought of sex with guys, went on a date with a girl. Started eating more and remembering the things I used to enjoy doing. Yet every now and then, I'd think I had to hook up with a guy, was tempted to meet one for that purpose.

By spring, I'd come out to my dad and my best friend. They were supportive but my mind would switch between mentalities: 1) Get my master's degree and embrace myself, and 2) stay home and try a little harder with men. I worried about what my extended family would think. My tendency to notice women came and went. My sex drive vanished again.

This summer, I accepted a place on a master's course, went to Pride, understood my demand for attention from men, acknowledged that I needed space to process what I'd been through in the last year. I finished my therapy sessions. After a little coercion from my dad I came out to my homophobic mum. She made me feel like nothing. I wanted to make it better with her. I felt guilty, torn and emotionally exhausted. I still do.

Some days I tell myself I still like guys, that I have a crush on a guy I work with, that I am afraid of intimacy with men. Other days I am excited to go out with women, to have a relationship, to settle down with a woman. I crave intimacy. Most days I want to sleep it all away. I feel defensive, obsessive, insecure and anxious. I feel panicky if I see a guy and notice he is attractive or a little cute.

Everyone thinks I am OK. Somehow, it seems like the more I understand myself and open up to others, the more I shut down, feel insecure and defensive. I I don't know what to do with myself anymore... It's starting to scare me.

 

Not very comfortable sounds about right. I was 90% sure after Pride as that's when I understood that yes, there are attractive men everywhere, but noticing that doesn't equate to being attracted to them. That's when I realised I needed space to process. Two weeks later I came out to my mum and things went downhill. I wanted to make it up to her by going out with a guy, so I started reconsidering.

I was in the closet for about 10 years too. I was paranoid about everything I did and didn't want anyone to think I was gay. I had a lot of shame too. I told myself I was bi and that I had to have my first kiss with a guy and lose my virginity to a guy like a "normal person". I clung on to any nerves I felt around any remotely attractive guy and called it a crush. Anytime I did something that "betrayed" my sexuality, I told myself I was being a rebellious teenager.

When I hit 18 I started going out, getting wasted and attempting to hook up with men. I started having panic attacks (partly related to my law degree). It only occurred to me last week that I've spent my life believing in this fairytale where I think that everything will magically come together once I meet the right guy, like I need saving :icon_redf

Yeah, like that. Last summer I'd opened up my mind, like a Pandora's box of awesomeness. I was all: "yay, girls!" and had no desire to be with men :lol: Beyond that, I wanted to do all of the other things I'd told myself I couldn't do in the past. Now I've closed it off again. I feel judged, trapped and I'm daydreaming and sleeping too much. I'm shutting people out. I worry that I'm never going to stop being that person who gets trashed and throws herself at guys so I'm starting to dread moving away for my degree this autumn and I don't see the point in relationships anymore.

Therapy was amazing! It's really helped me understand my behaviours and thought patterns :icon_bigg I have two close friends here, but they have lives too... Aside from one evening two weeks ago, I've been on a steady routine of home, work, repeat since I came out to my mum. I miss things coming naturally. I want to feel free.

 

I understand where you are coming from. So much of my self worth has been tied to getting male attention and validation and yet when I did get it, it made me feel uncomfortable or tense. I didn't hate it and I didn't love it. It just made me squirm and I assumed I enjoyed it because a) it's what I wanted, and b) that's what most girls enjoy. I still feel like I need it some days even though the thought of being in a non-platonic relationship with a guy is at best a little upsetting to me...

Same with the internalised homophobia. I want to know how to shake that. Every time I get close to self acceptance, I think: "but a normal girl would be attracted to a man and want to sleep with one" and I try to rationalise everything.

It's okay! I just feel disconnected. And nobody is worthless without a significant other. I'd like to think of the time spent being single as opportunity for personal growth and becoming the best version of you that you can be

I'm working on it. I'm addition to hiding my sexuality, I held myself back from so much for a long time in fear of rejection by the people around me and its left me feelimg vulnerable and insecure. Haha. You're right. There's no point even having a relationship with anyone if you can't have a good relationship with yourself

Thank you for being so lovely and kind this weekend