After some time, I've gotten the idea that a lot of us on the rainbow spectrum (I love calling it that, almost sounds like Rainbow Road) deal with feelings of shame. Even the most progressive, loudly out, and liberated of us gets those dark moments of "what if they're right and I'm not supposed to be... all this?" So I wanted to ask about something specific. So I think all of us also deal with -phobias in different forms. If you were lucky to grow up with an accepting family (even if you weren't out to them), you'd still no doubt hear queer-phobic language and attitudes from just about anywhere: a neighbor's thoughtless comment, a distant aunt/uncle who made fun of the way you dress, kids at school, etc. To anyone who's ever dealt with homophobia directly (as in the person knew you're lgbtqa and harassed you for it): do you feel guilty about it as if it was your fault?
The Rainbow Spectrum concept is inventive and very nice. I like it. I had to write this response and answer your question, because the answer was yes, and also no. It was yes, when it was almost a life and death problem, and no, when it wasn't so much. Isn't it interesting when we accept ourselves, sometimes when we least need to? In my case the offending group was "kids at school." Many people who seem "different" will say the same--going to school is possibly the worst experience of their lives. There are a lot of nouns attached to the oft-quoted phrase, "....is like drinking poison and waiting for th other person to die." Sometimes the nouns are things like envy, jealousy, bitterness, etc. "Feeling persecuted" is what was like drinking poison for me. I can understand why people self-harm, which includes everything from cutting yourself to drinking too much, to using drugs, to--ultimately--suicide. Almost every one of the people who relate to this will agree--it's like feeling guilty and making it your fault. In the day, I had an inkling of how I was different. One part of it was same sex attractions. Another, more pervasive part was being somewhat autistic, in a way that I would label being a "nerd" or a geek." Grasshoppers are cannibalistic--they eat fallen grasshoppers. Humans are like this too. We have the impulse to kill off the different ones, and eat them. It starts very early. After I found out, in a way that actually convinced me, that not only was I hardly "abnormal," but that in fact some of my talents would make me stand out and prosper, even though it was still painful to be different...then I stopped feeling guilty and internalizing it. It was right around that time that I stopped my form of self-harm--drinking too much. So now I accept myself more than ever, even though it's not the middle-school, life and death issue it was. If we can help those kids who are at wits end and have nowhere to turn, we might save a few lives. The revenge you may have felt, when your tormentors' best years are behind them at 35, is cold comfort when the poison you drank took effect on you first.
Being this way is the main reason I feel ashamed to walk into a church. I love God and I respect him. But I cannot change how I feel. My family doesn't know I'm this way except my twin sister, who is very supportive. I'm blessed to have her.
Shame, no. Fear, undoubtedly. There's that constant stress of worrying when that stab from behind finally occurs, when some disgruntled KKK member decides it's time to flatten me with a truck. I don't feel like I'll live very long at all, but I'm sure as heck not ashamed as I've done nothing wrong. The problem is that when someone finally kills me they probably won't feel shame either.
I'm athiest, but I feel you. I feel so "less than" in churches * I guess I do have some shame. Inwardly I feel fine. I know that I can't change. And I know I can't stay closeted forever. And I accept that. Outwardly, I think I can feel other people radiating judgement, which I guess if I was shameless, I wouldnt feel that way.
According to all the credible reseearch in the field, all of us have shame, and the less we talk about it/admit to it, the more we have it. What I like to say is that those of us in the "rainbow spectrum" have the same "serving" of shame and baggage that everyone else has, but we get an "extra serving" because of the societal, religious, and institutional messages we are constantly, and sometimes subtlely, bombarded with. Phobias, if we're using the term correctly, are actually very severe fears that impact our day-to-day life in a way that is debilitating. So, technically speaking, terms like "homophobia" aren't really accurate... but we use them because everyone knows what they mean. So it isn't accurate to say that we all have or deal with phobias, because clinical phobias aren't that common. But it is indeed accurate to say that we all face people's judgments, prejudice, biases, and other negative experiences every day. This isn't to minimize what we experience, only to be accurate in how we speak about these experiences. The bottom line is, since we all have shame, and we all deal with both our own internalized homophobic fears and the biases, judgments, and fear we're greeted with by people who don't understand us... the best we can do is simply talk about these things, have uncomfortable conversations with others to share how these beliefs make us feel, and in so doing, walk in our integrity and start to let go of the shame.
Thank you for all of your responses! It's always good to hear where everyone is coming from. Shortly after making this thread, I realized the problem must be internalized homophobia. I thought to ask because I recently dealt with my first real homophobic confrontation (I wish there were a better word for it; maybe homohysteria?). I've always heard those attitudes coming from others, directing at other things and people, but this was the first time it was directed at me, by someone who knows I'm gay. I should be angry, but instead, I feel humiliated and ashamed, like I could have stopped it from happening if I were less gay, or not gay at all.
Feeling shame for being gay? Nope, can't say I've ever done that. The only time I've felt shame is if I've hurt someone/something that I didn't intend to or hurt them in error. I wasn't raised to care very much about other people's feelings when it comes to being true to myself. And religion is nothing but almost infinitely worthless white noise to me. Arguments predicated on religious faith are something I automatically dismiss and ignore before they even start. By and large I see society as something like a cow - you don't want to get kicked by it, but with a bit of intelligent manipulation, you can exploit it to your advantage. Worrying about it's opinions beyond a tactical level is like worrying about the feelings of a bunch of hamburger. I honestly don't remember homosexuality coming up much or at all growing up. I had plenty of other unpleasant people issues to deal with, but my general reaction to them was rage - such that by the time I hit college and figured out I was gay, being such barely qualified as an emotional speed bump - and again, there was never anything I would consider shame involved. I've never really had anyone seriously harass me for being gay - a co-worker was very distressed when I came out to him after getting bored by his homophobic comments - but that was actually kind of amusing - And after calmly answering his questions, and making it clear he wasn't going to be able to 'cure' me (his words), he got over it and we both just moved on. If someone did try to seriously bug me, they would be more likely to seriously piss me off - which might lead to various unpleasant consequences (for them). Todd
This just made me laugh so much :roflmao: Such a great attitude to life. And you just reminded me of Joey in Friends and the "moo point" :roflmao: In regards to this... 100% yes. Shame has dominated my life since I was 11 and realised that I was a lesbian. I used to self harm. I thought I was going to hell. I thought I was abnormal. I made myself change. I drank to numb out my feelings. I have completely lost myself because of the shame. I tried coming out when I was 15. I was dismissed by my mum, and things got a bit violent with my brother. I tried again with my mum when I was 19. I was dismissed and made to feel disgusting and abnormal when I said that I wanted to be gay, which led me to think I had HOCD :icon_redf As a result I turned the tables on myself, decided to save myself for marriage (because that meant putting off sex), got very homophobic, and told myself that I was just following what society and the media was shoving down my throat or that I'd made myself gay. I've been on the road of acceptance for a year now and everyone I've come out to, except my mum, have been great. While I don't consider myself as questioning anymore, I still feel like there's something wrong with me a lot of the time, which sucks. I'm still bound my the rules and restrictions I placed on myself based on my fears and shame. Recently, I stopped allowing myself to think about women and I closed off that part of me again. It feels like there's a paperweight on my brain now, something is disconnected. Two nights ago I even dreamed about running away from a priest spraying holy water because I thought it was going to melt me. It's an uphill battle and it breeds insecurity, doubt and more shame, but Chip is right. Talking to others helps. Sharing this has helped I'm sure that over time, LGBTQA+ people do grow stronger and build the self esteem that is eroded through these feelings, meaning that the fear, shame etc dissipate
I feel zero shame. I feel body dysphoria sometimes, but I am still fine with being who I am. I mean, I wish I wasn't this way because, in an ideal world I'd be a normal guy, but I don't feel any real hate for myself, if that makes sense. :/ I am both proud and not proud to be who I am. If I could I would change many things about me, but no, I do not feel shame for liking women and men or identifying as a man.
I think everyone feels shame some times. I know I do. There are a lot of things I should be doing that I'm not--countless ways I could be a better person. Not being gay just isn't one of them. To be honest I think the thing I feel the most routine shame over is the fact that I really don't keep up with the housework the way I should. I really should just get a cleaning lady and be done with it...
I do sometimes feel something, not sure if it's necessarily shame, but a lot of it is connected to how normally I try to make other people happy before I'm happy so as a result, even with people being accepting, I can't help but feel bad about certain things. Now, while I have half siblings, I've never lived with them and none of them came from my Mom. I remember there was this conversation I had with my Mom about a week before I came out where she was commenting on how my cousin-in-law became really close to my family and said something along the lines of "I regret not having more children and potentially having a daughter so I hope when you get married, I can develop a sort of mother-daughter relationship with her." I don't necessarily blame her for regretting not having more kids but to this day sometimes, I still feel guilty that I won't be able to be married and happy with a girl and potentially allow her to grow close to a sort of daughter figure.
Initially, I did feel shame about being a gay man especially with family because I was raised in a very homophobic environment to which they never hesitated to express their feelings towards the gay community. However, once I became close friends with other gay people who would take me around their families whom by the way had accepted and embraced them, I began to stop feeling shame about who I am or what my family thought about it. In regard to the church community, believe it or not, but church was where I would get passes made at me more than the actual gay club. At first, I was really annoyed and surprise that this was going on right under the pastor's nose. Nonetheless, not long after, I was in a long relationship with a closeted Catholic priest...go figure!!!! Therefore, I have no shame...and from what I've been told by others, I represent myself very well and should be proud of the individual that I've grown to become.
Why should I feel shame for loving someone with the same chromozone? It's love. It's not like I'm harming anybody. So no, I don't feel shame for it. I am proud
The only reason I'd keep my status a secret is if I have to deal with this person later and don't want it to be weird. Otherwise I don't feel shame about it. To the contrary, I love being bi more every day. :love:
No shame here, some doubt, regret defiantly but no shame, I can't see feeling shame or guilt for being who I am, I accept who and what I am, there's no shame in that.
