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Have no one to ask for advise.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by kevnes, Aug 8, 2016.

  1. kevnes

    kevnes Guest

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    Good Evening,
    I will try to make this as simple as possible and please please help me with your valuable advice. I am 26 years old male who got out of a relationship with a girl and moved to a different state to forget about it and move on and look for a fresh start in life. I moved to this remote place for a good job with a good pay. I am smart, intelligent and well educated. I met this one guy at work who at first I thought was an okay guy but then we got real close to each other. We became fast friends in no time and somehow attraction blossomed and we got intimate. He had some bad experiences with his past girl friends and I helped him find a good girl who he likes and who will try to understand him and love him the way he is.

    I even went along to his dates, waited at nearby coffee shops so we can discuss how the dates went on our drive back home. We live a couple miles away from each other. He used to sleep over and we talk about random stuff and he makes me really happy and I enjoy his company. But now is the time that he found someone and I have to move away from him. We discussed that we shall not kiss nor do anything since we both want to be truthful to the other partners that will enter our lives. We both accepted that but it is hard for me to digest the fact that I won’t be as close to him as I used to be.

    We both sat down last night and discussed, cried a lot and I wanted to move away to a different state. But I am worried that he might be lonely without me and I don’t want to move away from him without seeing him happy in a relationship. I promised him that I will only move away from him once I get the confidence that he can manage without me. He is a very good guy and I hate to see him get hurt by anyone. We are so connected on all levels that it is haunting me that I will have to let him go and wish the best for him. Is there any way that I can come out of this situation without hurting both of us?
     
  2. Gravity

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    Hi there - sorry it took so long to get a response. :slight_smile:

    From what you've described, it sounds like the two of you, despite trying to fix each other up (or to fix him up), have found yourself in a type of relationship, with a lot of intimacy (including emotional intimacy) that you might not really be acknowledging. It sounds like you are planning on moving only once he has gotten into a relationship with a woman, which really sounds like you wanting to remove yourself so you don't get hurt, but unfortunately that's already happened because you can see this relationship ending in the future.

    I don't know how receptive he would be to this, or if you yourself would even want a relationship with him at this point, but it might help to talk again and acknowledge that the reason you don't want to leave is because you don't want to be away from him (if this is in fact how you feel).

    If attraction to him is a factor, then leaving, or getting him together with a woman, will not make it go away. You need to confront each other and be honest about your feelings. If that's really not a possibility, then it might be healthier to sever ties now rather than waiting for a relationship, etc., to come along and do it for you - forcing each other to stay in this sort of limbo, where you're in a type of relationship except not, won't do either of you any favors.
     
  3. faustian1

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    Well sure there is, but first I have to say this is the most unique "friend with benefits" situation I've read about on here that involves two guys.

    You wrote that you helped him find the person. So, you apparently wanted him to succeed. Perhaps this is because you're a selfless friend. Is this an equal relationship? I wonder. It's quite possible it is. If it cuts both ways, then I wouldn't burn this bridge, just yet.

    Are you exceptionally gifted in developing close friendships with men who share damn near everything with you? If not (that's my guess, who is?), then I think you should discuss with him the new boundaries you wish to set. You seem to have plenty to share and talk about, without the sex. Isn't that right? Keep the friendship. If it is an equal one, then it's going to be hard to replace with any other platonic friendship you might find.

    You also wrote that you are "straight but curious." You didn't express any shock, remorse, or panic at what developed. So I think that's a bit more than curious. I like the way you set the situation out unemotionally.

    And finally, what does the phrase "love him the way he is" mean, with respect to his new girlfriend?

    More questions from my end, I know, but I hope you think they are good ones.
     
  4. mvp 447

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    It sounds to me like you must be honest with yourself. If you were that close and enjoyed the sexual experience, it is what it is. It doesnt mean there's anything wrong with either of you. What made the two of you stop being intimate, loss of desire or feelings of guilt?
     
    #4 mvp 447, Aug 18, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2016