So I got this medical bracelet I'm supposed to wear 24-7, I also always wear a rubber band or two around my wrist. One night in bed, I pulled back at the rubber band and let it snap at me, it hurt a bit. I was feeling really angry at myself, like I deserved pain for various reasons. I took off my bracelet and started snapping the rubber band at myself each time telling myself the reason I deserved this one such as "This 1 for being ugly" "this 1 for being a faggot" "this 1 for disappointing your dad in sports" "this 1 for getting a B on tha test" etc I swear the list just went on and on, until 1 snap cut open my arm. I had using a rubber band cut open a big scar on myself, I looked at the blood and kinda freaked. Than snapped more at it for doing that to myself as if hurting myself is bad and I deserve pain for doing it? (if that make sense) So I've been hiding the cut by putting my bracelet on over it in the day, but every night I keep re opening with the rubber band and I really wanna quit. It's getting really bad, soon enough my bracelet wont be able to hide the hole thing, and I'd absolutely freak if someone could see how stupid stupid I've been
While it's not a healthy coping mechanism, it's not stupid. Sometimes I do something similar when I'm feeling down. I'm not sure if this would work for you, but what I do is I make a list of things I hate or dislike about myself and then on another piece of paper I write several ways I can either change those things that I hate or make it not as bad. For example I hate how I look too, so I look at myself and the biggest thing that effects how I look is that I'm overweight, so I decided I'm going to try and change that. While it's hard to focus on the good things and not the bad, try to focus on the good. If you think you're ugly make a list of things that you think makes you ugly and what you like about your body. Than think is there anything that you can change safely, if so work on that and than go on to the next thing. If there isn't anything you can change, think of how you can improve it or enhanced your more liked features. As for being gay, there is nothing wrong with that, it's just who you are. It's like a lot of the world only liking vanilla ice cream, while you don't like vanilla ice cream but chocolate ice cream. For the sports, as long as you enjoy sports that's all that should matter, even if it is hard to feel that way. If your dad is disappointed in your spots, he should be a least glad that you're doing it and you're on the team. The B on the test in my opinion is great, it's only one grade letter away from the A, and if you want that A see what you did wrong and try to improve that. You don't deserve pain. Every time you think you deserve it try to think of things that that you did that deserves an reward instead. I hope that helps. Also if you think it might help try writing in a journal of all your accomplishments no matter how small.
Im going to have to agree with logan, I would foucs that type of engry into something else perhaps like the gym.. you are how you are you need to make pieace with, find a good friend or therapist whom you can talk to and let it out. On a side not I did the same thing for awhile with the rubber band, however as a way to cope with anxiety. So dont think your the first.
