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Given up

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Spot, Aug 21, 2016.

  1. Spot

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Wonderland
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I feel like it never left but I'm just getting more and more depressed. There used to be mania in between but lately it's just straight depression. I haven't been manic in maybe two months. I can't do it anymore. I feel like it's all talk...like nothing ever gets done. I tell someone how I'm feeling and it's increase your meds or everyone feels like that sometimes or it'll be okay or whatever. I'm so over life. I don't even cut anymore because ultimately, that never did anything except make me realise that people care even less about me. No one ever asked about why I had so many scars, no one asked if I was okay even if I was crying in class. It doesn't matter. I'm too frustrated to even cry.

    I guess what I'd really want is for people to really listen to me and help me. I want to be able to transition and I want to be able to do school part-time. That's it. But I that's not going to happen. Every counsellor I've ever been to, never does anything. I say that I'm transgender, I think there's something wrong with my reading (finally diagnosed with a learning disorder this year :/), I want to move schools, I'm having problems with disordered eating, I was sexually abused. I could go on for ages, I have a million problems but I've never received any helpful advice. All I got was people telling me that it didn't really happen, I read too much and I'm a hypochondriac, it's just puberty. I'm tired. I want people to believe me.

    If I could talk to the school counselor tomorrow, I won't be able to because she always says she'll see me and then doesn't. But if I could, I'd say that I want to kill myself again (she doesn't know about the other times) because I can't do anything right. You know, I tell my mother a problem and then she gets stressed out and basically shuts down. We start arguing, my dad comes in and yells at me and that's the way it always is. I hardly even talk to them anymore because we argue and then we're fine and then it goes back to another argument. I shouldn't live there anymore. It would be so much happier with just my mom and dad and brother. My mom said that she's caring less and less about my problems because she can't deal anymore. I wish that I could just tell them that the reason I'm so moody or whatever they want to call it is because I'm a boy and I'm being treated as a girl every single day. If I said that, my mom would shut down, my dad would yell and we'd get in a big argument. Then they'd pretend it never happened.

    I wish I could tell my counselor how I really feel. I actually just pretend that I'm totally cured of my transness. If I say that I want to kill myself, she's going to call my parents and tell them that I'm trans. And she's the most uneducated-on-transness person ever so she'll tell my parents that I'm suffering from childhood trauma or it's just puberty, which is what she told me. I want to do school part-time because I'm not allowed to move or drop out completely. On top of all the stress I already have, I have all tees assignments and essays and exams I'm supposed to be studying for. I'm supposed to do 2.5 hours of homework a night, do assignments over the holidays, I have three due this week and I've hardly started. It's too much. So many kids have had breakdowns at school but I've just been having them everyday. I want to study as an apprentice for one day a week and take some school time to study that online instead but my parents want me at university instead and I just don't know :/

    I can't cope anymore. Those four paragraphs wasn't even everything I wanted to say but I don't want my post too long.
     
  2. Kodo

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    I'm here for you Colin. I'm listening. I see you.

    It hurts to know the pain you are in, because this post sounds exactly like the things I've written here. But let me tell you something: You are stronger than this and worth far more than you know.

    I know that it hurts and that sometimes you wish you could just end it all. But please hold on and dare to keep breathing. Focus on taking care of yourself. Start with the little things: shower, eat well, sleep, spend time in the sun, listen to music, take a walk, meditate... Even if you don't want to, you have to try.

    Because Colin, you're worth it. Maybe right now your parents can't see the awesome son they have and the counselor is ignorant and presumptuous. Maybe your teachers are breathing down your neck and your friends just don't get it. Maybe you're sick of seeing that reflection and hating yourself, feeling worthless and alone. But you are not alone. And you can - no, you will - get through this.

    Because I've been there, brother. I've suffered from clinical depression and anxiety since age fourteen, been borderline anorexic, and self harmed more than I care to admit. But I believe that there's hope. There is always hope. Be patient and kind to yourself. Learn to love yourself for once, and that's not easy.

    If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here Colin. You're an amazing and strong young guy. Don't you ever tell yourself any different. You can do this. We can do this together. One day at a time.
     
  3. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Location:
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    I am not at all clued up on trans* things, but I do know what it's like to be depressed (and manic). I'm bipolar type II and have had my fair share of ups and downs. It's nothing to be scoffed at. So with that said, I understand THAT part of your post.

    I can sort-of relate to what you've written too, by substituting your words with mine. My parents are homophobes, closed-minded, and just downright ignorant. They refuse to admit or accept that I have a "gay side". As a result, they treat me as a straight daughter. Which is half right but oh, so wrong! All they want is for me to meet a nice man, settle down and pop out babies. That's just not me. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't MIND marrying a man, and though I don't want kids NOW, I might in future. Point is, I like women TOO, and they conveniently shut that part out. Well, I'll be going to my first Pride on October 1st, and I'm hoping to meet some awesome people there - maybe even get a girlfriend :wink:

    Why am I telling you all of this? To show you that you're not alone. Though my situation is nothing like yours, there are similarities in that neither of our parents treat us like the "real us", you know?

    I just want to tell you this: Don't give up on life just because things are looking pretty glum now. In the blink of an eye, EVERYTHING CAN CHANGE! Sometimes it takes a little longer for people to actually reach the acceptance stage, but once they're there... oh boy! Euphoria all 'round! Chin up dude, and if life's really starting to take its toll on you - There are a gazillion of us here who are willing to listen to you, motivate you to keep going and advise you where possible. Just remember the 5 stages of grief/acceptance: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It's possible that your folks are in the denial stage now, then it gets to anger, and back to denial. They are still figuring all of this out for themselves (if you're out to them, that is), so give them time. In the meantime, here's a hug. I hope things get better for you soon (*hug*)