I have been out to myself for about four months now. I thought I was okay with everything, but I've recently hit a bit of a road block. A couple weeks ago, I was in LA and decided it might be good to visit the LGBT center and find someone to talk to, but I couldn't bring myself to go inside. It felt too final or confirming. I literally stood outside for ten minutes, trying to convince myself. Then this past weekend, I tried to stand in front of the mirror and tell myself I was gay. I couldn't do it at first and after I finally did, I started crying. I thought I had accepted being gay for the most part, but I still have doubts and fears that keep me questioning. It's brought back all my fears and anxiety about my past relationships with men. I feel unworthy of calling myself a lesbian, and I'm realizing that I haven't been allowing myself to really be okay with everything. I want to just be out to my family, but I also don't want anyone to know. I keep trying to do self talk, but it's not working. How can I let go of the past? And does the questioning ever go away?
I can definitely relate to this. Some days I will feel totally fine with everything and I will feel really accepting of myself, and then other days I take like nine steps back and start questioning all the progress I've made with coming to terms with things. I think this is a pretty natural experience to be having, after all it is something that oftentimes we have spent a lot of time trying to avoid accepting, so there's bound to be many walls we hit when we try to fully acknowledge and accept that which we may have been avoiding. I know that often for me I will feel okay with everything and then something will set me off. Like when I called an LGBT hotline to ask some questions, I was fine while I was on the phone but then I burst into tears as soon as I hung up. (Not because they said anything wrong, the gentleman I spoke to was incredibly lovely, but I think the reality of things dropped down on me.) It's funny, it's almost like I forget that the person I am accepting is me, and not someone else. I definitely think this will go away with time (I certainly hope so anyway!) and just want you to know you are definitely not alone. x A big help for me has been telling my two best friends about my attraction to women; being able to lean on them for support when I'm having those freak out moments has been a lifesaver. Do you have anyone that you've come out to, or could come out to, that you think could offer you this same support? I think when it comes to accepting anything in life it's a case of one step forward, half a step back. It can be frustratingly slow but it will happen in the end. Hugs to ya (*hug*)
It took me a while too. Even then, I still get anxious when I hold hands with my boyfriend in public. I feel like everyone is watching me when in reality it most likely isn't the case. Even if it is, people rarely say anything. I guess for me, I'm scared for that one person who will throw homophobic comments to me, and I won't know what to do. It's still an issue for me, but the questioning does stop, yes. You'll be much happier by then because it won't matter to your brain of what you are. Letting go of the past is hard and might take some time for you to do so. I have a habit of holding onto negativity and mistakes that I make because of my perfectionism (definitely not a good thing), but I've pushed through and still am, and so will you.
