Hi All! I began questioning a little over a year and a half ago when I developed feelings for my best friend. I've come a long way since then. I was in my first relationship ever and it was with another woman. This relationship was short but contained a lot of firsts (including kissing and sex). While I was in that relationship I felt consistently guilty whenever we were intimate and look back on what we did in bed with disgust. I'm also still hanging on to the remnants of hope that I will, despite my previous lack of attraction to men, fall for a man and marry him. Along with this goes a resistance to identifying as gay. On a rational level, I don't think there's anything wrong with homosexuality and I know my resistance, self-loathing, and guilt stem from a place of deeply rooted internalized homophobia. Folks, have any of you struggled with feelings like these (I can't imagine I'm alone in this!)? I keep beating myself up for feeling this way. How have others successfully moved passed feelings like these? I desperately want to marry one day and raise children with a partner and I know that is most likely to be another woman. I don't think the kind of commitment and intimacy that that would require are possible for me when I am so conflicted about my romantic and sexual attraction towards women.
i dont nessessarily feel guilty for what i do, but when i first messed around with the girl i really really liked (cuz she wanted to i didnt feel ready) it didnt feel right..in the morning she said to me "omg we had sex last night" and i couldnt help thinking "that wasnt sex.." but the thought of being with another guy grosses me the fuk out..ive been with 3 so i kno damn well its not at all what i want ever...i think im just loosing my attraction to anybody, maybe i just belong alone...or maybe i need to find a girl who i can develop a deep love with before we are intimate so that it actually means sumthing
I've never really felt internally homophobic but I have felt internal transphobic. Sometimes I think how weird it is that someone could feel like the opposite gender and I wonder why anyone would want to be a girl if they have the luxury of being a boy but then I just have to slap myself in the face and say, "Look here, your trans and you know it so stop being so mean to other trans people." I guess it just sort of comes with...not growing up in an LGBT-focused family, I suppose. I dunno. Hopefully this helped, sorry if it didn't...
Yes, it may be something to do with internalised homophobia, but very often this internalised dialogue is the result of external factors, like societal/family attitudes and the hetero-normative standards that we have absorbed throughout our lives. When you think of it like that, there is a lot of baggage to unload. Thinking about the guilt and disgust you felt after intimacy, where do you suppose this is coming from? I'm sure you would concede that there is a deeper explanation for it, so how about you tell us why you think it's there? What sort of messages have you heard about gay and lesbian relationships? If you've heard a lot of negativity can you remember when it began and from whom you first heard it? All of these questions are pertinent to what you are asking us, but the feelings you are having are normal as you journey through the coming out process. If you get really stuck in this place you might want to do some work with a therapist for a bit to try to overcome it.
I struggle too. I've never been w someone...want to...but i consider myself gay but at times i think it can't be real it's going to go away..once i find right guy but so far still want to be with girls much more than guys
