Hang in there, it's a bit of a read. So I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years this October. I have a higher sex drive than he does. I initiate 90% of the time. I've actually waited it out a couple times to see how long it would take for him to start it up and it went as long as 5-7 weeks. It was torture. He says he just doesn't have 'the drive' as often as I do. He is on SSRI inhibitors, however when I asked if he thought that might be part of the issue he said no. So either he's just not that into me anymore or he's telling the truth. Almost every single time I leave the house (work, meetings, family) and he's home alone, he watches porn. Neither of us has a problem with each other consuming porn. We both enjoy it and even used to watch together sometimes. However, that hasn't happened in a long time and he hides it. I'd honestly enjoy being able to watch the scenes he finds enjoyable because I'm kind of ADD when it comes to what I watch and it's hard for me to find something I'm interested in lol. But he hides it and denies even downloading/watching it in the first place. I was using our computer (the one he's on most) looking for a file from work and when I checked the recently viewed files in VLC I noticed a porn video. Obviously, like a madman I clicked properties to see where the file was and boom, hundreds of gigabytes in a folder hidden deep within the operating system files. Like what the hell! I could have seen all of these but this jerk secrets them away? So I ask him about it he doesn't say anything. Didn't try to turn it into a 'why are you snooping on me' or anything. He totally shut down and was acting very ashamed. We talked about it a bit and finished it with me saying I was a bit hurt that he lies about it and I need him to be honest if/when I ask. Then the NEXT DAY he moves 90% of the files to another folder (like I wouldn't notice?). I don't know why he hides it, I'm not asking to watch every scene with him, I'm not asking him to stop, I'm not asking for dates and times. just like WTF? I'm asking for regular 'ol respect and honesty. This is kind of just a rant at this point, but what would you do in my shoes?
Well, this does seem to be a symptom of a bigger problem. I'm more open with people I hardly know...about the porn I like than your boyfriend is with you. So I guess if I was Dear Abby, I'd suggest it's time to check how long the lease has to run. As BB King once said, the thrill (might be) gone. I'm sorry, but I think you'll have to initiate the conversation as your boyfriend seems reluctant to jump in.
That's the thing! He's shameful of liking it I guess? I don't know. I'm open about every aspect of my life, if someone asks, I answer with the open and honest truth. He's always been more private, secretive and generally just less open about 'intimate' things even with me since the beginning of the relationship. Nothing to be sorry about really. I know, I know, everyone in bad/difficult relationships say "everything else is fine" but really, everything else, to me, is fine. His secret garden of porn is the only issue I have in the relationship (I can live with his slow sex drive because I've never really met anyone with one to match me), I guess the conversation coming is to find out what he thinks of us. :icon_redf Who knows, maybe he's over us and I'm just to busy to notice and he's to scared to say so. Guess I'll find out!
Well, here's an idea to get the conversation going (maybe). That long, hidden file....I wonder if you could offer to make that fantasy come true in 3D. If he's still into you then he might. The other problem people have is that sometimes they can reach the point where they prefer to masturbate with porn than do something for real with another person.
Some conversations will be required regarding this. Reassure him that you aren't mad and he has no need to hide it. You simply are just curious as to why he does this. This will hopefully keep him from being put on the defensive and hopefully open up a little. This is just a random thought, but perhaps he's ashamed because he meets most of his sexual needs from porn instead of the relationship? I have no idea, but porn use can affect one's sex drive in a negative way with their partner. Again, I don't know, but it's important to find out more about why he feels the need to keep this secretive.
