Repulsion for the word "gay"

Sometimes I feel grossed out calling myself a lesbian since I'm so used to people using it as a porn term. I don't want to feel like an object with no sexuality of my own, and the fact some dudes fetishize me and try to force me to sleep with them just by hearing the word grosses me out.

I can also understand how gay men must feel considering there's a lot of stigma attached to it. Part of it is learning to accept yourself.

 

I feel the same, but only in my native language. The translation of "gay" in my native language have only been used as a harsh insult out of all times that I've heard it, and therefore it has a very very negative meaning to me. I can't even think about that word in my head without feeling awkward or wrong.

I'm totally fine with using the english word of it though

 

I get where you're coming from- I used to have quite a strong dislike of the word too. In fact, I actually used to seem to get stomach aches sometimes, even at the mere mention of the word made me feel like my stomach was doing back-flips.

Spoiler

It comes down to connections, some we may not even realise fully. For me, it reminded me of bullying. Of fear. The word would just bring back memories of "friends" telling me that although they "cared" about me, if I ever turned out to be gay or bi we wouldn't be able to hang out anymore because it would make them uncomfortable.

It brings back memories of going to get changed by myself in the shower section where nearly everyone else changed in the changing rooms, because I didn't want to be accused of being a pervert. When I would try and change with the rest, people usually accused me of looking because according to them it was "obvious" I was gay.

It reminds me of the time where my old science teacher said that "gay sex is pointless" and that "if people can help it, they shouldn't have gay sex". And when teachers would make fun of students by calling them gay, or making fun of students they believed to be gay.

Of when I was at a point where I was monitoring the things I do, being told it was "obvious" when I was in the closet, well...it made me self-conscious. Having people laugh in my face when I claimed to be straight didn't help either.

And when I finally did come out, being told it was "my choice". :eusa_doh:

I had someone spit at me once, and that look he gave me... it just made me feel like dirt. He looked at me with plain disgust and spat on the floor and rubbed his shoe in it- giving out a rather clear message.

The word reminds me of how a friend was treated, how he was thrown to the floor and kicked senseless by his so called "friends" so hard it left a dent in the wall and a light got broken. I've seen the dent, it's pretty jarring to look at. I just wish I'd known what was happening to him at the time, and not had to find out later when it was too late.

And how I was told on the days leading up to my 14th birthday that "you’re a lesbo, so you shouldn't get a vote" by some kid that was part of the group I hung out with whilst at a holiday site. I had people stand on my hands with shoes on, in order to keep me from voting in group discussions (particular raise your hand type votes)- sometimes covering my mouth at certain points, which made me feel pretty weak.

There's probably more I haven't mentioned, but this posted is getting long enough as it is. (Sorry :icon_redf).

It's no real surprise I gained some negative associations along the way when I think about it. Sometimes one problem/memory can seem quite big, and other times it can some small things/lots of memories that gradually build up overtime and end up being daunting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHg50mdODFM

Sometimes we don’t realise, and these associations can build up almost subconsciously. I used to see the word gay and just assume the context was negative, I don’t really do that anymore unless it’s obviously from a homophobic source.

I get what you mean about the whole saying “I’m gay” thing. Thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve actually said those words out loud for a long time. I think I’ve said it about once so far in my life and even then I think it was something like “I’m L” as in L for lesbian. (A friend of mine and I had a code at one point).

I almost said I was gay once, but I backed out of doing so. I’ve mostly come out to people via instant messaging, (however this has backfired as when I came out to someone this way, they kept the message and sent it around- outing me to most of my Secondary. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell” pft, yeah sure-you liar) because when I’ve tried to come out to people face-to-face, I tend to get this weird feeling.

Almost as if a person was stood behind me, wrapping their arms around me. Are you sure you want to do this? This is stupid, don’t do this. Do you want them to think you’re shoving it “down their throat”? This metaphorical person says. Probably partly to do with internalised negative thoughts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGuZVuUBeiQ

Even when I know they’ll be accepting (I mean my College is a pretty accepting place, besides a few people) this person tells me not to, I feel nervous even though they’ll probably not even care. Heck, when I came out to a fairly close friend once, my hand was shaking really badly and I ended up spilling coffee everywhere. :lol: Now that I think about it, I actually did say I was gay that time out loud- so despite the coffee spillage, it went ok. She was cool with it.

I hopes this helps, and if not- sorry for my ramblings. :icon_wink

:icon_redf

 

So I am the same way. well, I am bisexual, but I have a hard time saying that outloud, because of the fact that it means I am attracted to guys as well.. IDK for sure why you feel that way, but I will share my experiences

When I was younger, around 5 or 6, I got in big trouble for I think the first time in my life. It is the first time I can ever remember being really yelled at. I called my brother a fag. I had no idea what it meant. At all. But I knew it was mean, and he pissed me off somehow... My mom pulled me aside and exploded. Do you know what that means?! How dare you say something so bad about your brother. That is when too boys like each other and have sex, do you think that is ok?! do you think you should be calling your brother THAT?! I can still remember that convo at 29... I didnt even know I liked guys then, so before I knew I was into guys at all, I was already taught that it was terrible.

When I realized I like guys, it TERRIFIED me. Hell it did more than that, but I digress, I had a friend who I had a crush on eventually. We hung out all the time. Well a few years after we had a falling out, my mom told me she caught him in our living room with another friend when he thought no one was there, making out, and the way she spoke of it... I remember listening and just being like a dear in headlights... She then told me, when we always hung out she was so worried I was gay and had no idea what she was going to do about it.... I said "of course not" and walked away as unawkwardly (fake word) as I could..... I was ashamed to lie, but it shocked me to the core to have her so unabashedly say that she basically would not have accepted me if I liked guys.

I know there are a lot of other smaller instances when I was a kid. I know there were a few times I can remember hearing different family members use gay as a derogatory term, so that probably didnt help... But that was before I became so outspoken politically, always including marriage equality. Now she sees how progressive my views are and doesnt say things like that... I know she still thinks them, but that cant be helped... I wish she wasnt like that, because I know my dad would be accepting, and I do wish I could tell him, but I dont think he could keep from telling her.


So all that to say, in my experience, it has been my environment that I think has caused me to have so much anxiety over saying it out loud. Society clearly didnt help, and is just now starting to come around, but I think my anxiety stems from people closer to me, and as much as I hate to say the cliche, I think my mom is the most responsible. I know its not the exact same, bisexual and homosexual, but I am pretty sure the idea remains the same. i am pretty sure the reason I cant say I am bi out loud and remain comfortable is because I know it means i am attracted to guys, and my experience has always taught me its wrong. It sucks big time, but it is something A LOT of people go through... I hope that makes sense... I hope even more that it helped, because I have never mentioned either of those stories in my life, and very nervous even putting them here, so I dont want it to be without benefit. So I truly hope this helps, at least a little

 

I was the same way for ages. I couldn't even bring myself to type or write 'i am a lesbian'. I just made so feel so uncomfortable even though I knew I liked girls and completely accepted that about myself. I think I was so terrified of labelling myself because people around me have always used the word 'gay' or 'lesbian' as an insult. So i guess, although I had accepted my sexuality I wasn't proud to label myself as gay/lesbian. It was only through time that I could finally say it out loud.

 

I still don't like saying I'm gay out loud, although - weirdly - I'm perfectly comfortable answering if someone asks me am I gay (which they don't really because I don't have the stereotypical signs of being gay).

For me, I think it is the idea of exposure - once you've said it you can't take it back and because I am not obviously gay (btw hate the phrase 'straight acting' as it suggests I'm not being myself) I'm always worried people will think that I've deceived them. Obviously, I don't mention it right after saying hello and I don't have a boyfriend so I can't just casually drop it in.

Anyway enough rambling - basically, I don't like saying it because I feel exposed and so I tend to mention it only once I've gotten to know someone a little.

P.S. It's one hell of a fucked up world.