I need help hiding

You have multiple problems to deal with.

First, breaks in the skin can be disinfected, and certainly should be bandaged to protect from contamination. You can use hydrogen peroxide or betadine to cleanse wounds.

If you insist on wearing the wristband, you should clean it. Use something like bleach or hydrogen peroxide, or heat at least 170 deg F. You can still introduce fungal infections despite this. You could also buy and use some "moleskin" to use under your wristband. Moleskin is a first aid product sold in US drugstores that hikers and people with blisters on their feet use.

You could sit out athletic practice, by faking an illness or a sprain or something. However, the secrecy is probably not going to help your self esteem either. Is your father supportive or does he "get" any of this. If he's your coach, I suppose I have my doubts about this, but I have to ask.

Second, self harm is a lot like addiction, and has many features of a similar nature. I used to smoke and drink, which now I realize is a lot like cutting. It's just a slower acting form of self blame. This is a bigger problem, than concealing your injury from your father. In the long run, you need some support to deal with this issue. Probably professional support. What about that?

 

I was thinking along the same lines, only I also thought that subconsciously the reason it felt like a flash, well... have you considered maybe you wanted to do something your parents would notice so that you dont do something else? I hope I am wrong, but it sounds like a sort of cry for help so you dont go further... If your having suicidal ideation there are hotlines and a chat service available here:
The Trevor Project

My suggestion would be to tell your parents... I would not even wait til soccer, no need to have an intense family encounter in front of all your team mates.... I think you might have come here hoping to have someone tell you that... If so, here I am...

If you need anyone to talk to there are plenty of people here, but we are not usually professionals, just people with similar life experiences, to really improve your situation, you may want to consider therapy, or at the very least using the trevor project link above to ask for some help... You can even do it via text...

I wish you the best of luck...

 

With the immediate problem, I'd say bandage it up. Using gauze or something after you disinfect it will help keep it clean and let it heal. If anybody asks, just say that you scratched up your arm accidentally. You could make a more elaborate lie (have one in reserve in case you are asked further questions but don't want to tell the truth), but other than that, most people won't ask anything else. They'll just let it go.

As for the self-harm itself, you really do need to find help. I know it's scary and difficult, but there are more problems than just immediate stress that lead to self harm. It may happen again. If you can, please see a counselor or a therapist of some sort. Coming out to your parents (if they are accepting) may help you as well, so you don't have to feel like you're hiding something.

Just please take care of yourself, okay? (*hug*)

 

^^^^This suggestion about the Trevor Project is right on. The other posters have suggested you find someone to talk to, and organizations like the Trevor Project were created with people like you in mind. If you can't talk to your father about this, it means there is someone you can talk to. You can also use the It Gets Better project: It Gets Better Project | Give hope to LGBT youth There are lists of local resources you can talk to also.

Hurting yourself is hurting something of value--you have value. You deserve to look at yourself with pride. It can happen, with the help of people who care.

 

Like some of the other posters said make sure you keep it clean. Try keeping some Vaseline on it as well. Keeping it clean and moist will help reduce the chances of scarring.

I've been there with self-harming before and I know how much of a toll it takes on you over time. While I did my best to hide mine too it would feel entirely unethical to me to give you advice about how to do so. As hard as it sounds, trust me I know how it is, dealing with the underlying issues is a must.

When I was dealing with my problems someone I knew recommended calling a crisis hotline. I never looked into it for my own reasons but if you're unwilling to go to your parents about it I would recommend at least doing a bit of homework. They're free and confidential from what I heard in the past so you'd still have some security while still be getting a bit of help.

 

Guff,
I am very concerned for you! You sound like your depression is getting very much worse.

First, take faustian1’s advice about making sure you clean your wound properly – and keep it clean! Next you might want to put a topical, anti-bacterial ointment such as Neosporin (some brands of Neosporin also have pain-relieving medicine in them) on the wound. Then it should be covered with a clean bandage, not your wristband. If your wound becomes infected, you won’t have any choice but to show it to your parents because you will need to go to a doctor.

Second, if it comes down to your parents seeing the wound or you being forced to show it to them, why not at least be partially honest and admit that you’re depressed. Tell them (truthfully) that you don’t know exactly why you cut yourself. At that point, they should want to get you some counseling/therapy. If they don’t suggest it, maybe you should. It definitely sounds like you need someone IRL to talk to openly and to help you deal with your emotional turmoil. Since you don’t seem comfortable Coming Out to even one of your siblings, your next best bet may be a professional counselor/therapist. But if you agree to counseling/therapy, make sure that it is from a certified professional, not someone like a church leader or other informal counselor who is most likely going to report anything you say back to your parents. You should establish the ground rules with the counselor/therapist that you agree to see (if you agree to see one) at the beginning. I believe that most mental health care professionals are required to report to the parents of a minor anything that indicates that the minor is in danger (such as suicidal). Just make sure you are clear on what the counselor/therapist can and cannot tell your parents. And then you can see if that particular counselor/therapist makes you feel comfortable talking to them.

Long-term this is a more serious issue. The real issue here is NOT about hiding your cutting, but rather working to resolve the anxiety that caused you do it in the first place. In my experience, a suicidal gesture, like cutting, is a cry for help - as ABeautifulMind postulated. Checking out the Trevor Project may be a good idea, if you are not already familiar with it. It has a phone hotline as well as chat and text capability with trained counselors to talk to teens in crisis/suicidal teens and it specializes in supporting LGBT teens. But it doesn’t sound like you are actually suicidal and counseling/therapy would seem to be the most likely avenue to help you long-term.

Third, try to see if you can step back and get some perspective. Try to look at your situation more objectively – from an outside point of view. That’s hard, I know, with such an emotional issue, but it could benefit you greatly. It may feel like forever to you, but you don’t really have that much longer to go before you can be out on your own and live a life that is honest to who you really are.

Fourth, I know you’ve talked to people on this site who have been through situations similar to yours and began living happy lives once they were able to get away from such an intolerant, uncompromising environment. Let THAT be your goal and your inspiration! You are a unique and wonderful individual! You are far too good a person to let the ignorance and narrow-mindedness of such people ruin your life! DON”T let those people around you rule your life. Don’t let them make you a victim of THEIR hate.

And finally, you KNOW that you have people here at EC who understand what you are going through and will always support you unconditionally. Continue to use EC as a release valve. (Hopefully in addition to professional counseling/therapy).

I only hope some of this helps you!

Stay strong and proud, my friend!

 

Buddy I feel for you... What you described is almost exactly what I thought. Your subconscious knew this would get your parents attention, and it struck out... Just so you know, this is what a real cry for help is, not the kind that just wants attention, but an action that is genuinely trying to get someones attention because your not happy with life right now and need a little help.

I really wish I could think of the right words to persuade you to talk to your parents about all this. I seriously suggest telling them... I want you to know if you did kill yourself and left a note, they would be so upset that you did not tell them and give them a chance to accept you at least. I would at the very least make a pact with yourself that you can try this with the trevor project, but if you feel suicidal again, before you do anything, you talk to you parents about everything... I always point out suicide is a permanent solution to what is usually a temporary problem....

Please make sure to keep posting here and being active so we do not fear the worst. If you ever want to talk, please dont hesitate to post on my wall... I am pretty empathetic, insightful, and I also happen to be living in the closet, was home schooled for a few years, have homophobic parents, and still have not told them I am bi... I have been in similar shoes to you in every way. I have cut myself before. I have considered suicide in my youth. It gets better.

 

I think I'll say a prayer that you have the courage to call. You deserve to live.

We EC posters can't be Muhammad Ali talking a guy off of a ledge, but we can offer you encouragement. And yes, this is one of the remarkable things that Ali did. Read about it in the LA Times, here: Muhammad Ali talks man out of jumping - Framework - Photos and Video - Visual Storytelling from the Los Angeles Times

There are people who want to help you to live, too.

 

Please do considering reaching out for some sort of help. I know how crappy it can get. Please keep us informed how things go, I'll be wishing for the best for you.

 

Guff,

I feel for you. I really do! And I’m extremely happy that you know that you NEED to get help!

I’m also happy you are willing to check out the Trevor Project. And there are other online resources for suicidal teens that you can research. (BTW, didn’t you say your Dad checks your phone? Can you make sure that if you call the Trevor Project that the number is deleted after you talk to them? Or maybe even just use their Chat to begin with…)

But it still sounds like you really could benefit from a professional counselor/therapist to talk to IRL. Couldn’t you just tell your parents that you are really, really depressed, but you don’t know why and would like to see a counselor/therapist - without talking to them about the cutting? Your depression is obviously very real, your parents just don't need to know the cause. You must be demonstrating unconscious, outward signs of depression. Maybe your parents aren’t picking up on them clearly yet because you have so many siblings, but they’ve probably noticed, at least on a sub-conscious level. You could also intentional show more outward signs of distress to demonstrate your depression. Such as, maybe, refusing to practice because you “really don’t feel like it” or whatever other reason is in your mind – besides the cutting, of course. Wouldn’t that be a huge indicator at least to your Dad that something is wrong? And possibly help encourage your parents to get you help?

Your cutting still seems to have been a suicidal gesture. The fact that you actually wrote a suicide note is very serious. But the fact that you couldn’t actually do it is very encouraging. Clearly, deep down, you still want to live. But is it possible that all of this is happening because subconsciously you really want your parents to know you’re gay - to take the pressure of having such a big secret off of yourself, even though you’ve made it clear that you consciously are very sure that your Coming Out will be met with the most negative reaction?

Take care, my friend. And stay safe.

 

That sucks, Guff!

So, it sounds like you are down to at least telling your parents that you are depressed, but don't really know why and want to see a professional counselor/therapist to try to explore the problem. Is this not a viable option at all?

Unless of course you Call the Trevor Project or text them from your device and make sure you have erased all tracks on your device afterwards.

Take Care.

 

Are you able to delete your call history?

I haven't looked into previous posts you made or know if you've been given this advice or tried it already, but if reaching out for help privately right now isn't a viable option for you trying to curb your cutting might be the best place to try and start until you have some more options.

When I went through my cutting phase keeping a journal was something that I did to try and keep my feelings under control. At first there wasn't any noticeable results but slowly it began to help me cope until I was able to put a stop to it entirely. This may or may not work for you, but the gist is to try and find something that can help you try to distract yourself, even if only for a moment.

I'm sorry that I can't really say much to try and help or offer any other advice that may or may not be helpful. Just know your not alone.

 

I don't think those are weird ideas at all. They are clear indicators of a problem. (Although, I would hold #3 (no pun intended) as an emergency last resort.) The key here, I think, is to get the counseling WITHOUT revealing either your big secret or your cutting behavior. But, like you, I don't really care to lie if I can avoid it. Don't you think that telling your parents the (partial) truth - that you are indeed depressed - and using whatever other real evidence you can muster to prove it to them, is probably the best way to go?

Have you checked out the Self-Injury Behavior help page on this website - under Resources, then Miscellaneous, and then Self-Injury Behavior? It’s not live counseling, but there may be something there that could help you to help yourself at least in understanding why you are doing this…

Take Care.

 

Im not sure if you are just saying you like my description because it sounds better or you really believe it, but I honestly think it is... the way you describe it so calmly yet unable to recall clear details basically just saying it seemed to happen in an instance. I could be wrong, but I really dont think I am... Your subconscious is desperately trying to make people realize your in pain before you make another, as you described them, "stupid decision" that you wont be able to come back from. Im know everyone here is trying to help you hide this from your parents, but I really think you should keep thinking on this and see if there is any way you can tell your parents whats going on...

Maybe try telling them that your depressed, and that when you try to talk about things like this with them you get anxiety... You would appreciate it if they could help you find another outlet. Im gonna give you a little tip. That would make them see you as much more of an adult/more mature/more responsible... And the fact you came to them I dont think they would disregard it... and no matter what, getting all of these issues dealt with, will only make you happier in the long run.

I know I am tryig to convince you to do something very personal and it probably makes you feel vulnerable, so the least I can do is share my "vulnerable" experiences...

When I was in elementary I was a slightly boy crazy slightly girl crazy little bi boy.... I also have Aspbergers... At this point it is probably needless to say that I was not a popular kid in elementary school... Suffice it to say there were days where I was tormented. Sometimes physically, I was much smaller back then and couldnt defend myself to even some of the girls... Usually verbally... When I started cutting and my parents found out they started homeschooling me... They always just assumed it was because of the Aspbergers, i never dared tell them it was because somehow the other kids could just tell I liked boys... Ill be honest, I didnt tell me parents about the cutting. They caught me though... After going to some therapy I learned that the last cut i did, a 4 inch cut I made during school after I had been surrounded by 7 or 8 guys while they took turn tormenting me.... That was my cry for help. If I had never done that, who knows... As far as why I went back, I had gotten to a point where I could manage AS pretty well, and I had more self confidence because I had taken self defense classes... I went back for highschool and I was happy I did... All in all my time away helped me immensely, but eventually I had to go back or I would never really control my AS, just manage it...

This is exactly why I really hope you can talk to your parents... you really dont have to tell them your gay... Just tell them your depressed... Tell them your hang a hard time expressing your emotions right now... They will understand that buddy... You are in the throws of adolescence experiencing hormones and mood swings and all that. And if your just partially honest and tell them your depressed and would like to get some counseling/therapy, I cant imagine a rational person refusing that to their child... I know it happens with LGBT issues sometimes, and I know that is your concern... but simply dont mention it to them... Any respectable therapist will not tell them until your ready, they understand how important it is for you to be ready first... Its in their job description...

I hope I have convinced you to atleast consider talking to your parents... As I said, I really related to you, your in very similar shoes to me when I was about 8 or 9...

 

Hey Guff,

The face-scratching is part of the same self-injury behavior as your cutting. It’s even more visible to everyone than your secretive cutting under your wrist band – at least until now. But it’s not weird.

I do understand you not wanting to play “1000 Questions” with your parents, but why are you so reluctant to tell them you are depressed if it could get you the help you need? And, beyond describing a small handful of symptoms, you could probably just answer them “I don’t know, that’s why I want to get professional help” over and over again. Don’t you thing that at some point in the questioning they are bound to figure out that they aren’t professional therapists and can’t help you themselves? Alternatively, would telling them that you are having “anxiety” issues be something you’d be more comfortable with. Your inability to sleep and your face-scratching are potential effects of anxiety issues, as well. Is your schoolwork suffering? Is your soccer play noticeably off? Are there other aspects of your life which you could point to as not being ‘normal’ for you?

As for adding me, do you mean as a Contact or Friend on EC? No, I wouldn’t mind that at all.

I’m just throwing some ideas. I don’t know if any of this really helps you or not.

Take Care.