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lots of ranting, lots of crying

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by FlombleGomp, Sep 21, 2016.

  1. FlombleGomp

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    ive been depressed for as long as i can remember, i have no actual memories of when i was happy, i can remember split seconds of time when i think i must have been happy but not what happiness actually feels like. i dont even feel like i know who i am, i never had a chance to discover who i was before i became like this.

    in the past 3 weeks since returning to school in sixth form i have plummeted so far below what i thought was the worst i would ever be, and a large part of the blame for this falls to my mum. she is constantly going on and on about how i need to buck up and sort myself out, how i need to snap out of it, how i used to be such a cheerful person when i was younger yet whenever i try to explain how i feel (and these are her exact fucking words) she says that 'whatever you're just talking shit, i don't believe there is anything wrong with you' and she never gives me chance to actually tell her anything about why im depressed she just cuts me off and tells me to shut up and get my act together.

    ive never really thought about why i am like this until my 16th birthday and spent 3 weeks crying myself to sleep because of the shit that came up.

    i have no real memories of my dad, save for one; me and my brother standing down the hallway from my mum and dad, her on the floor against the wall crying and him standing over her screaming and shouting, me and my brother crying shouting 'please dont hurt mummy' yet failing to get our voices even the tiniest bit heard over our dad's screaming voice. he never hit her, but he never treated her as anything more than a plaything for his amusement. eventually he left my mum for my now step-mum, he now lives in Holland with her and their daughter who has felt over thousand times the love and affection that he gave us, if any at all, i cant remember any.

    my brother, who is 18 months older than me, bullied me whenever he got the chance, yet i never did nothing but look up to him, he was my older brother, what else was he if not the pinnacle of everything i should strive to be? at age 8 he and one of his friends started looking at porn, he showed me and at first i was weirded out by it, i was 7, the fuck was i doing looking at porn with my 8 year old brother? but i trusted him, and he told me to watch with him so i did. then he started touching me, whispering in my ear to calm down and that it was 'ok to do this because we're brothers so it's not gay' so i played along, no thought in my fucking head apart from 'big brother is always right, so it's ok'. he got me to suck his dick, almost everyday he would get me to do this whilst he watched porn. we shared a bedroom and we had bunk-beds, him on the top bunk, i on the bottom, at nights he would often come down and get me to suck him again, if my mum heard him climbing down he would say that i was scared of the dark so he was sleeping with me to calm me down.

    this continued until i was 10 when one day my mum almost walked in on us, she saw me just finish pulling up my pyjamas and of course questioned until my brother told her what we were doing, not how long we had been doing it, just that night. as far as i know she has never told anyone about it. her response of course was one of disgust towards us both yet i felt the worse off for it, my brother from this point became the biggest fucking shit-faced arsehole you have ever fucking met, and so all attention was directed towards him, all compassion, all good thoughts directed to 'helping him deal with anger issues', when all attempts failed anger was directed at me, as if i was the incarnation of all evil and my brother being of my creation.

    it wasn't until after it all stopped that i finally realised that i hated doing that for my brother, i felt sick at the very sight of myself in the mirror and hated every ounce of my being, around this time i decided i wanted longer hair, so that i could hide from myself and everyone around me, this added fuel to the fire for my brothers bullying, the insults and humiliation growing worse with every passing day. when i was 13 he came into my room and said 'look how big ive gotten' parading it in front of me and ignoring my pleas for him to go away. he hit me and forced me to do again what i had once done for him, this continued for a few months, me too terrified to protest or tell anyone out of fear of what he might do to me, him being taller and stronger than me he could force me to do anything and he knew it. one day he just said 'this feels weird we're gonna stop', i don't think i've ever felt so fucking relived in my life, but in place of that the insults and taunting just got worse and worse, not just to me but to my mum, step-dad and my 2 sisters. eventually my mum kicked him out and he now lives with my aunt (my mum's sister).

    my mum cut off her side of the family when i was around 11-ish, the only reason i have any contact with them now is because my brother had to contact them and ask if he could stay with one of them. the reason for her cutting them off was because of an endless stream of shit talking and lying and rumour spreading on both sides yet she holds herself a fucking saint above all and treats me like shit because how can i not be fucking happy when i've 'got all these loving fucking friends and family around me'. no fuck off i have no friends who i actually could talk to about shit and the fucking family are useless all of them fucking cunts who would screw each other over for a fucking penny.


    I'm sorry for this being so long and a lot of this is the first time i'd have ever told it to anyone let alone a forum i'm just so fucking sick and tired of feeling like this i feel more comfortable telling a bunch of complete strangers than anyone i know... any words towards picking me up even the smallest bit would be monumentally appreciated...

    thanks for listening.. or reading... or whatever... eeh...
     
  2. Aspen

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    I'm sorry that all of this happened to you. It's horrible that your mother isn't listening to you or recognized your feelings. I'm glad that you feel that you've found somewhere to confide. Sometimes just talking about things and getting it all out can help, even if you're only able to find space on the internet. Is there anyone that you could talk to about this? A friend, a teacher, a school counselor? Are you able to seek professional help on your own? It can be good to talk to someone you know will be understanding and offer you the support that you need. They might also be able to mediate you explaining your feelings to your mother.
     
  3. FlombleGomp

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    I have tried talking to the councillors at my school before and I've tried to say how i truly feel to them but i can't, it feels as if they are only there because it is there job, not because they genuinely want to help. I have a few good friends who I now only talk to on occasion, through yrs 8-11 we were always together at break and lunch but we never met up outside school as they are like me, preferring to stay indoors playing on computers. I wouldn't be able to get help without my mum being informed of it, i have no problem with her knowing if i get help it's the fact that she would tell whoever she wanted whenever she felt like telling them. I have gotten help from CAHMS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) before but i overslept on 2 occasions when i was supposed to have an appointment so i got a letter saying how they felt by me not showing up to the appointments that i didn't need the help anymore, since then i lost the will to seek help, it is my fault for missing the appointments but now i physically start shaking whenever i'm put into a situation i feel uncomfortable in.

    Typing this i realise there is only one person who when im around i feel perfectly comfortable with being myself and letting him see me for who i am, we don't talk too often but when we do it just feels nice, like it's easier to breathe. I'm going to try talking to him more often to see if that helps.

    thank you Aspen for asking those questions and making me think properly for a while :slight_smile: i feel a tiny something now that i can only recognise as hope (*hug*)
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    FlombleGomp,

    I can't empathize with what you are going through because I've never experienced it, but I can definitely sympathize with you and offer you moral support! I wish there was more we could do for you, but at least know that you have the support of the people on this website and can talk to us whenever you feel the need to let out your frustrations.

    I wish you only the best!

    Take Care. Stay strong and proud!:slight_smile:
     
  5. wickedwitch

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    Dear FlombleGomp:

    I hope you are feeling at least a bit better. :slight_smile:

    Some of your family dysfunction is startlingly similar to my own experiences so you are certainly not alone in what you are going through. I believe you when you say you are depressed and that you need help.

    I took some time to reflect on your situation and this is what I think (remember that this is only one person’s opinion; not necessarily gospel truth :slight_smile:):

    I think you need to deal with four things:

    1. Counselling/therapy: I encourage you to find a counsellor/therapist that you can talk to on a regular basis. Where you find that person is up to you but you might want to try CAMHS again. If you do try there, you could tell them that your depression has worsened (because it has) and that you will attempt to problem-solve the oversleeping issue by only booking appointments in the afternoon or mid-day if it‘s possible. Also, now that you’re 16, it might very well be possible for you to see a counsellor without your mother’s knowledge; I encourage you to check into this. I think this is to your advantage, as your mom, well-meaning as she might be, doesn’t seem to be helping the situation.

    2. Learning to “detach” from your mom and any others who might dump on you and learning to set effective boundaries: detaching means letting go (mentally/emotionally) of other people’s behaviour when that behaviour has the potential to harm us. Other people’s behaviour is about *them*, not about you. This can be difficult to see when the other person is someone closely related to you but it is true, imo, regardless. A counsellor will be able to teach you about this and how to set good boundaries but you can get a head-start by googling “detaching emotionally” and “setting boundaries”. I encourage you to read all you can about it. Some people simply do not understand depression and how debilitating and life-threatening it can be; it’s possible too that your mom has had similar issues to yours but was told the things that she is telling you and never had the opportunity to get help for herself. Regardless, the only way to get help for yourself is to learn to let go of her stuff and work on your own.

    3. Learning coping skills for depression: learning to cope with depression is something that you can do before, during, and after seeing a counsellor or therapist for a period of time. A counsellor can help you learn these skills but you can also learn them before you ever see one.

    Some coping skills that are helpful for depression:

    A. Daily exercise (doesn’t have to be a marathon)

    B. Eating properly (especially getting vegetables and fruits)

    C. Good sleep hygiene (google it!)

    D. Learning to challenge negative thoughts in your head: depression affects the brain and a depressed brain sends out negative thoughts like: I’m worthless/unlovable; nothing will ever get better; I’m better off dead, etc. These are *lies* and they are the symptoms of depression. Learning to pay attention to what you are thinking and challenging any negativity is a good skill to learn. The potential for good stuff to happen is present in every moment, so blanket statements like the ones above are simply wrong. This is a skill that a counsellor/therapist should be able to help you with; it can sometimes be very difficult to tell when negative thinking is happening when you‘ve lived with depression for a long time - it just seems normal! :eek:

    E. Learning to challenge isolating behaviours: when we feel bad, we tend to keep to ourselves and any negative thinking (see above) we might be experiencing can reinforce the idea that we should be alone rather than with other people. I encourage you to challenge any isolating that you might be doing: get out of the house for a bit every day, join groups that interest you, invite people to participate in activities that you enjoy, etc. “Act as if” you are a person worthy of having friends (undoubtedly you are :thumbsup:)

    You can google depression coping skills to find more and I encourage you to talk to your counsellor about this.

    4. Learning to deal with the past: there’s a reason that this is last on the list and that’s because the first three things on this list need to be in place before you attempt to delve deeply for an extended period of time into “what happened”. Going into the past can make the present feel like a big crisis and it’s a good idea to have some coping skills in place so that the feeling of being in crisis doesn’t become overwhelming. As well, when you are looking into your past, it’s recommended that you have a therapist who has training in working with the types of issues you are dealing with rather than a counsellor who may not have such training (but has other helpful training and skills).

    This is a lot of stuff that I’ve thrown your way. I hope it doesn’t feel like too much: take it one thing at a time, one day at a time. If you read and re-read the topics I’ve suggested, after a while the ideas will sink in without you realizing and you’ll be ready to try some new skills.

    Above all else, practice self-compassion: think of how you would treat a friend in the same situation and treat yourself like that. :thumbsup:

    There are a lot of people in the world who have experienced what you’ve experienced and have worked through it and have better, happier lives because they did. I believe that this can happen for you too. Keep reaching out for help and keep writing if you need to. (*hug*)