At first this is my very first post here so not sure is this the right section to post this but here goes nothing. For the last few years it's been painfully clear that I like guys. Girls are beautiful etc but they just feel to lack that certain something. Liking guys is so much fun and feels so right. But my mind absolutely cannot accept it. Every time I try to think about stuff my mind automatically says "NOPE" and makes me think of something else. And just to be honest I can't really accept or understand it too. But I really want to, but just can't. This denial is so strong that I'm starting to be concerned about my mental health. I am extremely stressed all the time which is ruining my studies. I'm also very depressed for being so weak that I can't handle the situation and I have some suicidical thoughts. Past six months have been the worst of my life. I've started getting these weird "bursts" which mostly (thank god) occur when I'm alone. When they happen my behavior changes oddly. My voice and way of thinking changes and sometimes the change is quite big. When the bursts occur I think about things I usually couldn't even if I wanted to. There're at least two kinds of bursts that I've noticed. On the first type I go completely emotionless and numb. I feel like I was some kind of a narrator. My voice and appearance goes really sarcastic. I'm like laughing to myself for being so weak. The second and more concerning kind of "burst" is really odd. In this and in the first one too, my voice and way of thinking changes. But also the language I use. As you already must have noticed I am not a native english speaker. But during some of the bursts (I'm only listing the main two) I start to think or talk in english for some reason. This second burst is like a creature of its own. It acts really cutely and has a cute little voice. And it's completely gay and it has absolutely no shame whatsoever. It says and does things that freaks me completely out when they occur. Because when these bursts, or whatever, happen I have no control over them. Sometimes I can distantly realize they are happening but I can't stop them really. Sometimes I only later realize they even happened. This is really irritating for the bursts never give any warnings that they will come, completely random things can trigger them. I try to prevent them from happening but I really don't know how. So I've started to drink a lot to keep them away. I had to get drunk to be even able to write this. I most likely forgot to type half of the things I meant to but this message is already too long. So in short I fear that my incapability to handle the fact I like guys (I'm still after almost three years far away from being able to say I'm g-word) is damaging my mind or something like that. If someone else who had this kind of stuff going on could tell me about their experiences it'd be overjoyed. I apologize for the probable off-topic, I just didn't know where to post this or is this even the right forum for a nutcase like me x)
I've been in denial and I also have and still do struggle with depression. It's perfectly normal to have your depression (normal for depression at least) get worse when questioning/being in denial and/or when you're in the closet. I'm not sure what to do about the weird "bursts" you've been experiencing, I've never had those before but they seem really rather strange. I'm not sure what else to add- take it easy and slow. It's okay to not immediately accept yourself and know that everything will turn out alright
Well done on getting the courge to post here! I was thinking about it for about 2 weeks before I finally did. I'm not sure I can give mucheck helpful advice bit perhaps it will help (just a little bit) to day that I think almost everyone on here has been/is depressed at some point. You mention you are drinking more- I'm not sure what, but is there anything you can replace this with that makes you feel more relaxed but doesn't harm your health long-term? Lime restarting a hobby you used to like or something- or maybe you'll feel more comfortable with it now you've made an initial step in asking people on EC? Try and explore feeling that you're uncomfortable with when you're in a good mood, rather than when you're already feeling down (easy for me to say I know lol). Also it helps to not over-think being depressed- when I do this my head just goes round and round in circles and eventually you feel like you're going mad lol The thing you say about having these 'bursts', when you feel numb and disconnected- I feel like that a lot when I am depressed, ando other type you get I suppose that is a little similar to how I sometimes get this urge to just shout from the rooftops to everyone that "I'M GAY!!!" but then most of the time the idea of being really open makes me cringe! The only other thing I would say is that I agree with the person above; you don't have to decide or commit to anything yet. I dunno if any of what i've wrote has helped... hopefully you'll get more replies from people who know more than me (which is most people tbh!) By the way you're English is really good! If you hadn't said it wasn't your first language I wouldn't have guessed! Typed this on my phone so apologies if ithis looks messed up...
Accepting yourself and your sexuality isn't a 1 step process. When I first came out to myself it took almost a year before it became normal for me. Don't rush it, there isn't anything wrong with you, this is just new and it takes time to settle in and you to digest it. Also, ask yourself if this would be as hard if people were more accepting of gays? Outside opinions affect how we process things.
