Hiya, Plz tell me if I've posted this in the wrong place! I've finally decided to post, because everyone seems genuinely helpful. Since I realised I was gay 4+ years ago I've been mostly OK with just not ever thinking about it, never talking about it, but recently stuff has been really bothering me- I feel completely confused/angry by things: -All my friends are straight guys and some straight girls, and even though none of them are homophobic since I came out to them I feel more 'different' to them, like I don't fit in. They don't really treat me any different so I think it is just me that feels so different, like not so included in the group anymore -I want to come out to my mom and dad eventually because it feels dishonest, but they're both homophobic. I tried to tell my mom 2 years ago but she just laughed and said "Why do you think you're gay?" and I didn't want to say why cuz it made me feel sick. The thing is though that I'd feel really guilty if I came out because I'd feel selfish- they've brought me up to be straight and given me a roof over my head, fed me etc. etc., and I'd just be throwing it all back in their faces! Also my extended family would just blame my mom and dad if they knew, for bringing me up wrong -I want to meet other gay people (I know exactly 0) but in a way I don't! All the gay men I've ever met seem so stereotypical- they're either super effeminate and camp or ultra-masculine- are there no 'normal' gay men??!! Gay Pride (from what I've seen/heard) is like several of my worst nightmares rolled into one sensory-overload, half-naked-people-everywhere event...:lol: same for gay pubs!! I didn't go to university either so I didn't get to meet loads of new people there/LGBT groups I kind of feel like I'd like to get a boyfriend too, except a.) I never go anywhere where there are gay people (see above...) b.) I'm as ugly as sin, and c.) I've never ever been in a relationship (and at 22 that is so embarrassing to admit...) I feel really uncomfortable around gay guys too. There used to be 2 guys at work who were gay (they've both left now thankfully!!) and everytime I had to go over to either of their desks I could feel my hands getting super shaky and I would go red really easily ...So basically I really want to come out and try and feel more comfortable with being gay, BUT I sort of hate everything about the gay 'community' and feel like I won't fit in (and not sure I want to fit in with it)!! Also I'm not sure how safe it is to be openly gay- everyone says the UK is tolerant of gay people but people are always dropping homophobic slurs all over the place, and I clearly remember this incident from high school where our teacher was talking to us about HIV in Sex Education and he told us that 'gay men are more likely to get HIV because they sleep around'... I'm sorry that was so much to read- I don't really have anyone to talk about this to ...and sorry if I offended anyone with my opinions, but I want to know if anyone else feels like this!?
Time to tackle this piecewise, probably summarizing at the end For starters, we are here to be helpful and supportive, so I am glad that is the feeling you got when reading here How long has it been since you came out to your friends? Im curious if they are still adjusting or something possibly causing them to feel a little awkward, but most likely that would be something that will go away... Otherwise it is possible because you no longer have that closeted secret your still adjusting to how it feels... As for your parents, is there any chance your mom was shocked because she had envisioned you being straight, so as soon as you said you were gay she started thinking of stereotypical perceived "straightness" you had previously exhibited... What I mean to say is, it could have been like that song with Macklemore, where he tells him mom he thinks hes gay and she says, what are you talking about you loved girls since before pre k... Then he starts rattling off stereotypes... Could she have just thought because your clearly not effeminate that you didnt exhibit what she considers "gay" behaviors.... https://youtu.be/hlVBg7_08n0?t=51s Im not saying it was a great reaction, just trying to put it in perspective, if that is what she did, I am not sure that was being homophobic... Just misinformed and misdirected... Perhaps with some age and maturity you can try again and be able to explain yourself. You dont have to be explicit. Just say, because I like guys, when they ask why you think your gay. If you cant say this, you may not be ready... You didnt mention coming out to your dad, so I am guessing you never did, what are the odds your mom did? Also is there anything they do specifically that makes you think they are homophobic? My next point is one I cringe to make because I understand how you feel to an extent... actually a lot... So your worried about being selfish because they have raised you. Are they worried about your happiness as you seem to be worried for their's? If they are, then they wont think you are being selfish. Because you are not. It is not selfish to want to be yourself around loved ones... It is one of those things that a ton of LGBT go through during the coming out process... So go meet more gay guys Have a girlfriend go to a gay bar with you and hang out, see what happens. I will say this, "normal" gay guys are FAR MORE prevalent than effeminate, but effeminate men stand out, and thus you notice them. I would bet you know a few LGBT that are closeted. and you cant even tell because they are just "normal" guys (well, masc guys, idk what normal is)... I dont consider myself fem or ultra masc, though I struggle to define "ultra masc" if im being honest.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGU8B2wm-r0 Before you go hating on the effeminate.. Remember, without the effeminate the LGBT community would not have made the progress it has made Pride is not people being their daily selves, it is them being flamboyant and expressive as they can be... In fact I am pretty sure a lot of what goes on at Pride is because society tried to condemn them for being so flamboyant so during pride its like a way of throwing it in their face... I could be wrong, its just a thought/perspective... I dont want to offend anyone if I am wrong.. As for meeting gay people, I dont know where you live, but a lot of cities have LGBT support centers where you might consider checking out, if your city has one of course... I seriously doubt you are ugly as sin. Reading your post I think you suffer from self esteem issues and maybe some internalized shame, though I am not sure about the shame.... I would bet that is also why you have not had a relationship. I will tell you a well known secret, with men and women both, it is all about confidence. If you dont have confidence because of self esteem issues, you may have trouble getting a date... ESPECIALLY being gay. Lets face it, it is much harder to date the same sex... You always have to feel around to see if they are gay or not. It only happens occasionally to LGBT in their teens... some not even in their 20s.... The key is to be yourself and to be self confident. The rest will work its self out in time... Just try to remain social whenever you can... I think that maybe your discomfort around gay guys is internalized shame maybe? Or it could be inexperience. I think you can better answer that question... I would ask, was it embarrassing because you thought they could tell you were gay, or because being around them reminded you that you are gay? I think your comfort level with being gay is something you do need to work on, to make real progress, I get the feeling internalized shame may be causing your self esteem issues, your awkwardness/discomfort around gay guys, etc... If so this is something I cant really comment on because I dont have a terrible amount of experience with it.. Just what I read here... So being from the UK I cant comment on your environment/safety with being openly gay, but I would hope you would be ok.... but really dont take my word, because mine is JUST hoping... Ok so I dont think I need to summarize, i will just leave with I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to post here if you need anything else from me, or you can post on my wall, im easy... But for internalized shame stuff, I know there are people better suited to help and I know (think lol) they will be along in this thread shortly Here is your novel, that'll be 3.95 lol
Thanks so much for replying ABeautifulMind! I realise I wasn't very specific in some of the things I said (partly because I was feeling super-anxious posting on here!) so I will try and answer some of your questions (I tried to put them as quotes but I'm useless on a computer, hopefully it's clear what they match up to) I would say about 3 years since I told my group of friends. I think partly they are still adjusting because they also don't know any gay people (apart from my one friend whose older brother is gay; and to be fair he seems more comfortable around me than the others). But otherwise I agree I think is is just me feeling a bit awkward. Yes, I would say my mom was shocked. It's really difficult to see what my mom is really thinking because she hides her emotions very well (not a criticism). I never tried to tell my dad, and I asked my mom not to say anything (and I'm 90% sure she hasn't). It would just about destroy my dad (or maybe that's me having a high opinion of myself! :lol: ) and he already drinks a lot cuz of other family stuff, so I don't wanna rock the boat. As for the 'homophobic' part I'll just list a few examples which I personally interpret as a them not being keen on gay people (just my opinion): -my dad especially uses a lot of slang words that are ttraditionally offensive (I think...) like poof, bandit, bent, queer etc. (I'm really really sorry if you're offended by those words but I had to write them so you know what I mean!) -He kinda kicked off a few years ago when he saw I was watching Alan Carr on TV (he's a gay comedian) -My dad also comments on basically any gay people who are on TV, and sometimes my mom does too. They get quite irritated when gay people talk about being gay -To my parents, gay=paedophile. End of. I was a bit shocked when I read your response about 'hating on the effeminate' because I honestly didn't mean to offend anyone! :eusa_doh: I don't know hardly anything about being gay, and that includes what words people prefer to use- I'm not sure 'effeminate' was whay I meant... at least not in a negative way. If anything I just feel very small and weak compared to other gay people because they are brave by being so open, and so many people seem to know loads of stuff about psychology, the gay rights movement, sociology etc, yet I know nothing about that kind of stuff:redface: About feeling weird around gay men: I'm honestly not sure what my answer would be to this question! :lol: So yes, I think you are definitely right about having low self-esteem; I've known that for a while and I really struggle to feel good about myself, the stuff I do, and especially the way I look. I'm not expescting anyone on EC to hand the answer to me on a plate about how to build my confidence and I think I'm more confident in myself than I used to be (although it just takes one mean comment from someone yo bring it all crashing down again *sigh*) but do you have any ideas? MASSIVE open question, I realise! Thanks again, and sorry this ended up so long again!
Effeminate is sort of the general term for a flamboyant gay man... On extreme cases they would be at pride wearing the fairy wings and glitter (to use a stereotype ) But basically just men ranging from somewhat feminine (more "female" like qualities) to very feminine.. They are the people in the LGBT community who tend to stick out the most, and are therefore usually discriminated against on a more regular basis. My first thought with your parents would be to adopt a policy of defending LGBT issues with them.... You dont have to be queer to stick up for them I know that takes a lot of confidence, but you can start with other liberal/progressive topics, like for example socialized medicine, taxing the wealthy to help alleviate incoime inequality, etc... then just throw LGBT issues right into the mix... They will probably assume its because your views are more liberal, but in the back of the mind it will start telling them your not cool with being anti LGBT and could bring them around... I will be honest I started doing this years ago, when I was around 19 or 20.. And while my mom never stopped and still hasnt really, my dad has come around to the point of telling me he doesnt care if someone is LGBT, it wouldnt make a difference to him... Im not saying it will do the same thing with your parents, but it is worth a shot I figure... The first LGBT issue I would try to correct if it comes up again is that gay=pedophile.. That is the most damning to your chances of having them come around I think... But over all it sounds like your parents maybe insensitive because they have never had someone who was LGBT in their network of friends let alone family.. They may be able to come around though, some of the stuff you list just kinda sounds like ignorance... I mean, I am not hearing any hellfire condemnations or anything that send MAJOR red flags... just a few cautionary ones... I didnt mean you were being offensive to the effeminate, I just noticed you were talking about how pride is your worst nightmare and all, I was assuming because of the effeminate people and their flamboyancy.. I just figured I would help you see from their perspective a little so you might better understand.. a lot of the time when they express their ultra flamboyancy at pride and other event, it is a big fuck you to the people who always berate(d) them. That is why sometimes it gets a lil over the top... For psychology, its really just a matter of using empathy. LGBT people are so used to dealing with bullshit, that we are good at using empathy with other LGBT people. We know how they feel, because we have been there... For gay rights, I bet that one is not as hard to you as you think... they are human/civil/equal rights for everyone, but in this case the LGBT community specifically.. For sociology, well that one I took a couple classes in, but really its just group psychology.. now groups add an extra level of complications... But as long as you maintain that people will do crazier things in groups, you can usually somewhat explain/understand sociological issues... With feeling weird about gay men, for starters on that issue, go in the bathroom, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are gay... was it difficult? if so, you need to work with yourself before you are ready to be with someone else. You will always feel weird around gay men when you feel weird about your own homosexuality... The number one thing I think with self esteem, is to remember most people are just as terrified, similarly confused, possibly questioning, definitely self conscious.... because everyone is... Im sorry I dont have any ideas, but the Trump Clinton debate will be starting soon and I am dying to see Clinton bomb it so she has to drop out and let the real DNC winner run.... I cant miss it lol, but I think I cover a lot here for you to sift through.. I will check back here afterwards, especially if I think of anything else... I hope this helps out some ---------- Post added 26th Sep 2016 at 05:15 PM ---------- the flamboyancy thing I liken to the adoption of using queer positively... It is a way to say fuck you, you dont bother me, to the most hateful people...
That sounds like a good idea- my parents are very left-wing on pretty much every issue except LGBT. As with my parents, I think some of this is because i have never met many gays. Haha that's fine you've given me some good ideas of where to start. I've gone and bought a book on self-esteem...usually I would run a mile from self-help books but I'll give it a go. I'm looking into LGBT centres near me and there is one about 1 hour's bus journey from where I live so I may see what they offer re:Trump-Clinton debate btw it's so funny to English people how enthusiastic Americans are about politics :lol:
