I'm a burden to everyone.

You do have value - but you can't rely on what other people think of you. You have to realise that your happiness and your life are things you are entitled to.

From what you have said here and on other threads, it sounds like that it is the people around you who are the source of your problem because of their reaction if you were yourself. But that doesn't mean that your family don't care about you. If you are feeling lonely and isolated then it is easy to think what you are thinking but it is caused by your feeling of isolation. Our perceptions of the world around affect how we judge it and if you are feeling cut off then it is easy to think that people don't care. But people do care, you know that people here care.

Please keep posting as it sounds like you are feeling worse and if you can't be honest where you are, be honest here. I think you really need to take some action that makes you feel like you have a little bit of control over your life and that expresses yourself - I'd really suggest you try and follow up on the suggestion from your other thread about wearing small items of the kind of clothing you want to wear.

 

I fit each and every one of these criteria and it doesn't bother me in the least. I am quite serious. I find my own ways to enjoy life and if that bothers anyone, so be it. In fact, I find it amusing when it does.

 

Someones f:***:ing with your head. Maybe it's someone else & maybe it's just you. I will tell you this. You need to take another look at your life. If you look hard enough you will see you have the potential to be as good as anyone else. I know it's easy to tell yourself you can't do anything about it. However you know you can. Life isn't easy & nothing comes free. It may seem like it does,but you pay A price for anything someone gives you. For example your dignity. Pride comes from earning what you have. You need to stop making excuses & get out there & do something for yourself. Your not useless your just being lazy. I know that sounds kind of rough, but you sound like you could use A little tough love rite now. No one can change your life except for you. If you do, people will want to be around you. People love A winner. Not someone who just sits around feeling sorry for them self. :smilewave

 

Hi Ramlethal,

I think OldDog1952's post is extremely insensitive and unhelpful. Not only is he ignoring the context in which you live, he is assuming that that you are in this situation because of your own efforts rather than recognising that you cannot choose your family and that your options for leaving are limited right now. Please ignore him as he doesn't seem to be taking the problems you face seriously and his tone is completely unacceptable.

You are in a situation where you are having to pretend to be someone to everyone all the time and that is going to make you feel isolated and hugely alone - your feelings of worthlessness flow from that. But you are not worthless by any means and you may feel that you should be living up to other people's expectations but you can only really live by your own goals. Right now, those are limited. As we have discussed before a therapist is bound by confidentiality not to tell your parents anything without your permission - unless, as I understand it, you are about to commit a serious crime - and if your parents pry then you may have to be firm and resolute with them in saying that you don't want to discuss. Do you challenge your parents at all or assert yourself against them?

Another option would be to try and access online resources - so trans specific community and support groups and organisations. Given what you have said I think trying to find a trans organisation online might be a good step - they should have some good experience with your kind of situation and be able to propose ways of coping with it. If you can start to exercise some control over little things it will make you feel a better - you won't be able to tackle the major issue yet but you need to build your confidence and sense of control as much as possible.

Also, can you view work as a means to move away? Even if you could just rent somewhere, even if nearby, then you would have some private space to dress in a way that is appropriate for you.

Finally, I'm going to send a friend request. Please feel free to ignore it. But I just want you to know that you are not alone and that people care about you. This may sound strange from someone you only know online but it's still true. Keep posting.

 

Hiya,

I know what you are saying but just because you are financially dependent on you parents does mean they own you or can tell what to do or think. It sounds like your relationship with them is not reciprocal or at least that you feel you have to knuckle under their views. You are a free willed individuals with your own goals and outlook, not amount of money or financial dependence can change that and you don't owe it to parents to live by their rules - after all they choose to have you knowing that you would grow up to become your own person, you didn't choose them. (Btw do you have any siblings? If so do they feel they same way about your parents?)

Unfortunately, the only way you will be able to change that is to challenge them. Now I'm not suggesting that you argue with them or disagree just for the sake of it but maybe you could just say in future, when you disagree with them, that you don't agree with what they say (even if you have to resort the frustrating response 'that's my opinion). Like I said you are going to have take baby steps in asserting yourself to build up your confidence.

Would you mind providing a bit more information about your hobbies and things? Just trying to think of ways you could give yourself some space - interests and hobbies can be a big help.

Does it help to think of a job as your ticket out there? Even if it is a job you don't like can you try and see it a means to gaining independence?

Did you look online for trans organisations? They really may be able to help you, especially of they have a hotline.

 

From what you're describing in this thread, it seems as if you're struggling with some sort of depression or anxiety (though of course it's for a health professional to make that call, ultimately). If this is the case, then it might be really helpful to start talking to a counselor - even a few appointments might be able to give you some healthy coping mechanisms that could start to turn things around for you.

You mention having trouble holding down a job, and I'm sure paying for a counselor seems like the last thing you want to do, but some might have low rates for people who are uninsured or unemployed, or might even allow you to name your own price. If you'd like to look into local counselors you might be able to see, feel free to let me or any staff member know, and we'll be happy to help you find one.

 

It's possible to get counseling for free if you look in the right places particularly if you're LGBT.

I'm not sure if this helps but I used to think exactly how you did. Depression causing every thought and everything others did or said to be twisted into a spiral of "you're worthless. Everyone would be better off with you gone." . Counseling helped me to get rid off these thoughts. You don't have to stay in this miserable state. Try counseling it will help you. Depression may seem like it will never end but there's a way out of there. I hope you'll find it. I believe in you. You're not worthless and one day you'll see that again.(*hug*)

 

Not having hobbies is not a failure on your part. I've dabbled in many hobbies - not everyone finds something straight away. Can you tell use what you like to do - listen to music, watch films or tv, read or something? Or maybe just try something new? It might not help you towards your goal but it might help you focus on other things. Whether you have a hobby now or not, try and find one. It will help you without putting you at risk of exposure.

 

As Cinis says, it's sometimes possible to get counseling for free, at least on a temporary basis.

More to the point though, is this something you'd be willing to try? If so, we can help you find something.

 

Hiya,

You don't have to handle this on your own. There are very few people in the world who can handle the kind of stuff you are going on their own. We all need support, advice and help - seeing a therapist (even if they don't address your gender identity) will still be able to help with your depression, self-blame and anxiety.

So message Gravity and see if he can help you find someone - I would help but as I am from the UK, Gravity will have a better idea of how things work in the USA.

It is not a sign of weakness or failure to get help from others. None of us at EC would be here if it was something that could be handled by individuals alone. The very fact that EC exists shows that there is a need for support and help - and everyone needs it at some point in their life. So accept the offer of help, go and see a therapist (as we've said, they are bound by confidentiality and your parents have no right to know what you discuss with a therapist or any medical professional) and don't feel like this signifies failure - it absolutely does not. Most of your problems are caused by other people's prejudice which makes it so difficult for you to be yourself. The fact you need help is a sign of failure on the part of society, not on you. Take Gravity up on his offer.

 

Sorry about that - I misinterpreted your post.

That's fantastic. It is the first step on making your life better and it will help you start to deal with things. I hope you get an appointment soon and make a start. Really great news. Well done.

 

You owe no one your life. What big or small contributions you make to the world are yours. The idea that some people are a burden and shouldn't be there is totally wrong, albeit one I have debated with myself regularly enough.

What works for me at least is the conclusion that we're not here to provide value for others. If we do, awesome, but it's not our born duty. Our "job" here is to live in a way which allows us to be thankful for waking up every morning.

And I'd be willing to bet there are people out there, whether you know about it or not, who are thankful, all other baggage included, that you are there for them.