I'm only 13 years old and I like to be laid back and chill, and I did that until a few months ago but, I was watching a Shane Dawson video. I wasn't really a subscriber but, I liked his dark humor and jokes so, I tune in every once in a while. I was watching videos when I came upon a video called 'I'm Bisexual" and up to this point, I was 100% sure that I was straight. I liked guys, I've dated only 3 guys before in my grade levels and I had my first kiss with a guy(with a bit of prompting from friends). Why would I need to question myself? So I watched it and he said something that stuck with me that everyone was on a spectrum and it begged the question. Where am I? From that moment, I became obsessed with this. At first I had tried to ignore it and then one day at track practice after school I hung out with this one girl. She was bisexual and she dated A LOT of the girls at our school. We hung out and became friends and that question popped up again. This time, I was sick of thinking about it and suppressing it. I went home that day, after practice and I watched the video again. At that time and still to this day, I already had been suffering from depression, I wasn't motivated and I felt isolated from everyone. This question was like the icing to the cake that was my depression. The girl started dating another girl on our track team, a 7th grader. She apparently really liked her but, it didn't work out because what relationship at 13 years old do you know works out? Then I noticed something, the girl she was dating had a best friend. We'll call her Emma. Emma had pretty dark hair and hazel eyes and she was funny and nice.... Knock knock who's there the question oh, not you again Yup, I was so terrified that I couldn't even look at her. After practice, I ran to the school and didn't say anything, I didn't dare look at her or the other girl. By then, I was obsessed and was now paying more attention around me. I listen for all the news happening in our school about the girls who were lesbian. How they dated, cheated and were pushed into the same group of phycos and I realized something. I did not want to be in that category. I didn't want to be called a lesbian, I didn't want to be pulled into drama. I wanted to be left alone, my best friend had moved away, my friends were either ignoring me or didn't care about me, my brothers ignored me for the most part, my dad gone most of the time and when he was back he'd argue with my mom. Sometimes she'd argue with my brothers and I felt so isolated that it was unimaginable. I locked myself in my room and did the only thing I knew how to do. I listened to music and played on my laptop. I turned my music up whenever I heard yelling and drown my questions and depression until the music was so loud that my thoughts were nothing but, background noise. There's this boy at school and for a long time, I had a crush on him but, we never really talked and he was only friends of my friends. I knew I liked him but, I didn't dare tell anybody and soon enough, my friend came out and said she liked him to me on the bus. What did I do? I said nothing and let her gossip and tell me all the reasons why she likes him and why he was so sweet and cute and I nodded along and said I shipped it like a good friend would, right? I play the act and smile and nod along and when no ones looking, I simply shrug it all off. I simply don't care but, now it's not that easy. I can't shake something off when it keeps coming back. I see the girls in my class and I notice how pretty they look or imagine if I could date them and I see the guys and I get that little spark and giddy feeling around my crush but, I'm so scared. I'm tired of running and hiding. I want t tell people, I do! But, I don't want to be put into that category and pushed into a box of cultural appropriation that I have to shave my hair and wear baggy clothes and act masculine. I just want to be me and love who I want. I don't want to hide and pretend that nothings wrong. I don't want to pretend I'm fine and I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to be what everyone wants me to be or tells me to be but, how can I do that with everyone telling me how I'm supposed to be. That because I play a sport or roll my sleeves up and wear sweatshirts not, because I wan't to be apart of a team or prefer my sleeves up or to not freeze in class because I'm bi. I want to be me and accept love from both genders and have friends and be a normal teenager. Everyone seems to have themselves figured out "Oh, I'm straight" or "I knew I was gay since I've been born!" and "You're going to hell!" or "You're a sinner!". I try to joke around the problems but, I know I need help so, I figured that maybe, hearing others might help me figure out who I am. It's been two months since this 'realization' and I've kept it secret since then, I don't want to be 26 years old and still questioning why I am even bothering anymore so, I figured maybe some help might make things a bit clearer? any advice?
Well it seems to me like you have it all pretty figured out and won't be questioning at the age of 26. You say you don't want to be what people want you to be and just want to be you and I would advice you to do just that. You cannot control what people say or think but you can control what you are and do with yourself. If you don't want to turn into a masculine girl because it doesn't represent you then absolutely don't. I am bi and I am extremely feminine, I do not fit stereotypes nor do I care if people think I am "too pretty to be gay", a "sinner" or whatever else they could come up to. I am me and it just happens that I love myself and don't plan on changing myself for anyone. If you love yourself and feel confident in yourself and your sexuality then what people think or say won't matter. Don't let yourself be influenced by others and you'll be fine. Good luck OP! x
