I'm just going to jump right into this one... So basically last night I went to a Bierkeller with my mates. I got drunk, dancing etc and I needed some fresh air. I went outside and these two guys came up to me (one whom I'd been dancing with) and start talking to me. The conversation turns a bit sexual and they end up asking for a BJ... I was pretty pissed so I agreed but I can't remember whether they were drunk too, tipsy or sober. They took me behind the club and all I did was feel them up and uhhh give them a HJ I think? They obviously came to their senses and made the decision to not have BJs... I felt used after it. I'm just confused as although I said 'yes' I was very drunk and I'm not sure if they were too? I'm also wondering what would've happened if I was a girl in that situation (by that I mean looked like one). I really don't know what to make of the incident and would like some outside perspective...
I think that you were taken advantage of because you were drunk and could not give actual consent because of that.
Being drunk is not necessarily synonymous with not being able to give consent. Being so drunk that you can't actually give consent is a different thing altogether. Otherwise all people who get drunk and hook up at nightclubs are basically committing rape. Which is ridiculous. Being drunk lowers your inhibitions and can encourage us to get involved in riskier and more sexualised behaviour than we would than when sober. Are you embarrassed about what has happened? I have been there myself where I slept with someone when drunk and then the next day couldn't believe I had done it and was pretty ashamed of myself. It's OK to feel that way, we have all been there. Where the line is blurred is whether you were so drunk you weren't able to consent to the sexual activity with these guys. You did say 'yes', but the fact that you aren't sure exactly what happened is a bit worrying. I also think you are far too young to be getting that drunk and being around strangers. Aren't those events 18+? Is there anybody you could talk to confidentially about this? Someone in school or a family member you can trust?
While it wasn't a great idea in my opinion to go alone with two men, they didn't seem to try to coerce you in any way. They just asked and you agreed. In my opinion it is pretty unethical to ask someone who is totally wasted to do something sexual, but it's not necessarily using them unless they get you drunk in order to increase their chances with you or if they know you would never otherwise do it. Those guys could actually feel as used today if they are straight and were just really drunk too. It is important to have boundaries when you drink, like making a hard rule for yourself not to get sexually involved with anyone past a certain point. There is a very high chance you will end up feeling very grossed out the next day if you do anything when really drunk. Also, for your own safety in the future, please be more careful. I am pretty sure you were in as much danger now as if you looked like a girl, maybe even more because unfortunately the law is more likely to take it seriously when a person who looks like a woman reports sexual abuse. Some men might respect women more than people they see as gay men too. I learned the lesson not to let strange drunk men anywhere near me when I am alone the hard way earlier this year. I made the mistake of letting a drunk guy I thought was OK into my apartment for just a few minutes. He was supposed to leave almost immediately. I also did have a friend with me but she passed out pretty much as soon as we got inside. I had told him that I am gay earlier in the night and he seemed to be fine with it all evening. Except it turned out that he had other plans for the night. Pretty much as soon as I had let him in and my friend passed out he jumped me, shoved me down on the floor, sat on top of me forcing my hands to the ground and said some awful things. I managed to get out of his grip and was yelling really loud hoping the neighbors would hear or my friend would wake up and that convinced him to leave before the unthinkable could happen. It was the first and last time I tried to be nice to a random drunk man. I got really lucky that he gave up so easily, but I am not pushing my luck again. Please don't do it either. Do you have any friends or family or even a therapist to talk to about it? Talking about it is what helped me get over my incident too. Hopefully you will feel better about it tomorrow after the hangover wears off too, it has a tendency to make things feel much worse than they are. (*hug*)
It was at a rugby club who a few of my friends play for. Technically it wasn't legal but I hardly get drunk or go out... people at like 14 go out more than me around here I think I'll confide in my my friend who was there. She kind of had a go at me for doing something that stupid and I can see her point. ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2016 at 02:40 PM ---------- I've leraned from this and I'm going to be more careful in the future. It just... happened. I was drunk, we were dancing, there were so many hot guys (C'mon, rugby players?) and I guess it just all got to me in the end. They were "straight" so maybe they were just taking the piss and the thought of that makes me upset. I can't imagine what that was like for you (*hug*) I'm going to talk to my bestie about it since she was the one who looked after me afterwards.
From what I've read from your post...I think you should thank God for that being all that happened because honestly..it could have been worse. For you to walk off with two guys that you did not know and from one being acquainted with from a dance was a pretty bold move on your part considering all that could have actually transpired from that situation. You really put yourself in harm's way so to speak ...and yet...for those two guys to change their mind about receiving a BJ from you and then letting the situation die...is to me a representation that some angels were watching over you. Therefore, instead of looking at it as an insult...I would take it as a blessing and move on.
I'm going to go against the grain and say that something happened here that shouldn't have. I don't want to try to analyze the situation from a distance and at second hand, but with you asking about it in the first place, and posting points like "I was pretty pissed so I agreed," "I felt used after it," and not being able to remember parts of the story (were they drunk or not), it seems like you have reason to be speaking up about what happened. Also, yes, we could all make healthier choices at times, but having a drink does not make this your fault, nor should you just try to tell yourself that worse could have happened. This did happen, and it's been bothering you ever since from the sound of it. I don't think it would be a good idea to ignore that feeling. I would encourage you to talk to your friend, and if you feel like it's necessary, others as well.
