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I can't seem to make peace with my past

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Guff, Oct 9, 2016.

  1. Guff

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    Warning, this will be a long post. You've been warned.

    My problem is 1 day, well more so a 4 hour period of time. It was very traumatic to me and I can't seem to like, just like move on?
    So the last 6-8 months are really what led up to this night. I was extremely depressed and wanted to die, attempted suicide twice and even started cutting myself up... So all that finally boiled over on this night.
    I had a relatively good day, I was quite happy. My parents took my brother to a sporting event and left me alone to babysit 3 really young siblings of mine. I was fine the first few hours just relaxing at home. Than I broke out crying for seemingly no reason, it was honestly the worst I've ever felt my hole life emotion wise. I decided I'm going to kill myself. This time no backing out, no might not work plan of execution it was going down for real. A tiny shred of me convinced myself to contact a suicide prevention hotline. I spoke to some person, it wasn't very satisfying at all. So I hung up. Just randomly in the middle of it. It was the most hopeless I've ever felt my hole life. I than wrote a letter to my family apologizing for the hell I'll put them through. It was the worst I had ever felt in my life. I than proceeded to go suffocate myself, when a police officer who traced the call I made earlier came! I was so confused!? There was a F*ing cop at my house!? I was scared beyond belief! Than he said why he came and I felt terribly betrayed by the hotline... They promised me anonymous support and they broke that trust during such a emotional time for me.. So anyhow my family finally gets back and obviously I have to tell them what's up and I watch my families reaction. It was dreadful. I saw my brother cry, I hadn't seen him cry since we were real young. I felt a unreal amount of guilt, anger, betrayal, hopelessness, fear and sadness in such a small portion of time.. I was than admitted into a hospital for mental health, where I came out (Sorta) to the first person ever! A nurse... And she looked me in the eye and told me... There's nothing wrong with that... I never felt so amazing before for that brief moment...

    So anyhow there it is, a ridiculous night to live through. To than be isolated in a hospital from it. I spent 8 days away from reality. I was trapped. No phone. No visitors. No internet. I was totally isolated, I never spoke to my family. I went through the absolute hardest part of a life I literally tried to kill myself out of, than hit pause. After 8 days coming back, I just can't handle it!?!? I don't even know what it is I can't handle!? My family is just acting normal, nothing happened. I can't take it! I felt so many emotions and so betrayed! Yet the betrayal is what saved my life I guess? I don't even know what to think about that... When I first saw that cops face... Dang, It's like I had never truly felt fear before that moment. It still haunts me. I had to look my family in the eyes with them knowing I just tried to murder myself, and than go away from them for several days. I feel so guilty! I'm such an awful child/sibling/person! I can't believe what I put my family through. I can't believe that, uh, for a lack of better word, that happened! To me!? Like I can't even allow my brain to have that night in its memories. And now I fear myself! How can I not fear the guy who tried to KILL me!? I can't live with myself! Not to mention how AWFULLY lonely I felt isolated in that hospital when all I wanted was to go outside and feel the sunlight and see my family I left in tears..

    Well, you were warned this post was long. Anything to help me stop re living this dreadfully intense night that had no immediate resolution again and again and again and again would be amazing. Thank you for reading.
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey Guff,

    I wish I could fix this for you so badly, my friend! I wish we could just bring you out of there into a safe, happy environment where you could get the therapy you need to feel so much better and get back to normal!

    Calling the Suicide Hotline was the RIGHT thing to do! You know that you don’t really want to die. You are just trying to escape the misery in your life. But you KNOW that death is not a solution.

    The Suicide Hotline people didn’t betray you. They saved you! They are legally required to notify authorities if they believe your life is in danger – which it clearly was!

    I’m sure taking you to that hospital and isolating you was a very bad experience in and of itself, but it was also ‘required’ to assure that you were stabilized so that you wouldn’t just commit suicide after they released you. Plus, they would have had to monitor you to assess the effectiveness of any medications they gave you and to adjust the dosage – that takes time.

    My biggest concern right now is that your parents are ignoring what happened. Are they STILL not letting you see a professional therapist?!? Therapy for your depression is essential in combination with the drug(s) you were put on.

    We are all still here for you, Guff!

    Take Care, my friend!
     
  3. Guff

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    I actually am finally going to see a therapist tomorrow... I'm really worried about "the kind" of therapist my parents found.. I haven't heard much about him but my parents found him well I was in the hospital and they seem to like him which kinda makes me think I won't.

    Quantum I just wanted to say I love ya. (No homo LOL) You read these ridiculously long posts and always try to help, I'm more grateful to you than you could ever really know. Thank you. Just the lone idea that someone in this world knows where I am and is willing to post supportive things really truly goes such a long way...
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    Hey Guff,

    Getting to a therapist is key. Give him a fair chance - like talking about your depression, but perhaps not Coming Out to him until you feel you can trust him to keep your secret. Find out if he is a certified therapist (likely, if he was part of the hospital staff) and clarify EXACTLY what he can, can't, and MUST tell your parents about what you tell him during your sessions.

    Then, after you've given him a chance (probably several sessions) and you can objectively evaluate whether or not you think he 'gets' you and can truly help you, you can make a choice. If you're happy with him, stay with him - and the plus is that your parents already like him, so they SHOULD be willing to listen to any recommendations he makes to improve your home situation. If you're unhappy or concerned that you can't trust him or that he just doesn't 'get' you, don't be shy about telling him and your parents that you want to go to another therapist!

    Guff, you KNOW I'd do more for you if I could. I may not always be here on EC during your times of crisis, but you can know that I am thinking good thoughts for you each and every day.

    Yeah, I love you, too, man. (Sure, No Homo on my side - I'm Bi.:lol:slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 10th Oct 2016 at 12:14 AM ----------

    Also, ABeautifulmind and Barbatus aren't online at the moment, but I'm sure they'll offer their support soon.:thumbsup:

    ABeautifulMind has his hands full at the moment, so he is currently only on EC intermittently, so don't be discouraged if you don't hear from him right away. You know how much your situation tears him up inside...
     
  5. ABeautifulMind

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    I replied on your wall before I saw this, so I will just add a few things relevant to this topic...

    For starters, just like that song I showed you says, "there's nothing wrong with you, its them, their just backwards, your in the future their in the past, they wouldnt abuse you if they knew the facts about it"

    That is to say, the nurse was absolutely right. There is nothing wrong with you. Really. No, I mean even that little denial part that says, "I know, but..."

    no, no "but"... There is simply nothing wrong. No reason to say "but" at all...

    I told quantum I worried about you feeling betrayed by the hotline, but I also mentioned that it was a good thing you called... I am really worried though that you wont call next time. You have to call. Just think of it like this, before using a permanent and VERY negative solution, exhaust all other routes of help/support.

    I dont want to guilt you because in my opinion it is not the most effective means of conversation about suicide. But I think it is important to point out how much worse your family would feel if you had killed yourself successfully... Your family most likely would never recover fully... They would consistently be concerned thinking it was their fault or there was something they could have done differently to make you happier.. I am telling you from experience, when you kill yourself, you are not the only victim, your just the first victim.... I almost think you seeing your families reaction, instead of your parents telling them after you left, is a really good thing... It sort of validates what we have been saying. Your family loves you...

    It is COMPLETELY natural to replay a traumatic event like that over and over again. Everyone does. They analyze thinking about what if I had done this differently, why did I do that, why didnt I think of this... It can become a problem if it doesnt go away, because it is usually how PTSD starts (from the limited information I have on PTSD, this is not a personal experience of mine). But unless your still having a problem in a few weeks, just let it happen naturally and dont worry about it...

    The family now acting like nothing happened is unfortunately more normal than you think. Everyone thinks that is how you act with suicide. Just project normalcy and things will be normal. My suggestion might be the classic write them a letter you never intend on sending...Use that to sort of work things out for yourself. You should also talk to your parents. Let them know you see how everyone is behaving and you appreciate it, but it feels disingenuous... They are just worried about doing anything outside of normal because they dont fully understand what happened to push you over the edge so they are just thinking if everything goes normally then you will be fine... They dont realize it happened when everything was "normal" because your "normal" life sucks for you right now. Your mission should be to inform them (your parents) of that. And be prepared to explain it in detail lol... They already know most of it, just explain the fact that this pseudo normalcy is not going to help, and talking to you about it, and acting like it happened, wont hurt you. That is the key part. Most likely your siblings will not even talk to you about it unless you talk to them, because they are terrified of being the ones to push you over the edge... Im not saying they will at all, I understand it is FAR more complicated than that, but they dont have the benefit of having these open in depth conversations with you. To be blunt, they dont understand what your going through right now. It is not their fault, they are just ignorant to the issues you are going through... Especially since they had NO clue anything was even wrong right? your parents did, but did your siblings? As far as they know (i think) you were perfectly fine and then tried killing yourself out of nowhere... They are just confused and dont want to be the cause of any of your distress... You might consider talking to them and explaining that you just have a lot going on right now and that it had nothing to do with anything they did or will do... You dont have to offer to talk about it or anything (unless you want to) just kinda inform them that it had nothing to do with them, so there is no need to walk on eggshells around you. It wont help or hurt regardless.

    As for therapy I am so fucking happy, I am having trouble articulating it.

    This is the best possible thing to come of everything that has happened thus far.

    I would definitely follow a long the same lines as Quantum laid out, but I would emphasize the importance of really opening up once you are comfortable with them.. I mean about everything no matter how big or small it may seem... For example the fear you have of yourself. That may not seem important, but it is. Remember, you will get out what you put in. If you put minimal effort and honesty into it, expect minimal results. This is for your benefit, use it :wink:

    It is almost 6am, so I have to get off now, but I hope this gives you a little to think about... Let me know if you want me to comment on anything else, but I think I got it all.. im not sure, im pretty tired...
     
  6. Barbatus

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    Hi Guff,

    I'm really glad you posted again, especially if it seems like your parents are trying to act normal about things then EC is the only place your are going to be able to work through things outside of therapy. Also thanks for sharing the details of what you went through.

    I agree with what Quantumreality said - give the therapist a chance and see how it goes (as long as he is a professional of course).

    I want to pick up on something else you said. You said you came out to one of the nurses and you felt amazing for that brief moment. I hope you can see from that how they way you are feeling is affected by your circumstances. That moment of being accepted by another person is what you are working towards. I mention this because I think it might help you to have a goal to focus on, to realise that everything you are trying to do and the help you are getting is not to maintain things as they are but to put you in a better place to live your life freely and openly. Seeing the therapist will be a big part of that - and like Quautumreality said if he doesn't gel then you can get another one.

    Regarding reliving that night, it's going to be a painful and distressing memory for you and sadly it is probably just a case of time. However, someone on another posted suggested a technique for helping to control your thinking (I've never used this technique so I don't know how well it will work but it might be worth a try). So what you do is set aside 10-15mins each day and you really think about and focus on things bothering you (in this case that night) and once that time has elapsed you don't think about it again - I guess what you do is you think of something else whenever it come up. The idea seems to be that your compartmentalise your thinking so that it is not on your mind all the time. Might be worth a try. Otherwise you could mention it to you therapist and see what he suggests for helping to come to terms with it.

    Hope it goes well with the therapist tomorrow. Just give it a chance and see how it goes.

    P.S. I'm going to send you a friend request but feel free to ignore it. Just so you know that people are here for you throughout. Feel to get in touch whenever if you want.