Speaking Out Against Verbal Abuse in Relationships

I'm glad to know that you are moving on in some ways with your life by starting over with a new relationship of someone who is standing by you. You have no need to feel ashamed anymore...as you said...the past is the past and although when we move on from such horrible situations ....this doesn't mean that we forget completely. The memories do stay with us but they do not take over our thoughts on a consistent basis. What I will like to say to you is that if you feel that the shame you feel will cause you some difficulty in progressing with your life as it stands..then perhaps you should pursue some counseling to help you balance it all out in a positive way. As far as the naysayers goes that you've mentioned within your thread..you are doing the right thing by cutting all ties. I feel that its easy for people to make or draw assumptions to something that they know nothing about and will never know your truth about the situation. Therefore, I applaud you for taking a stand.

 

Well...you can be that voice by sharing your story...your truth about your progress. I know for myself...I had mentioned in several threads here on the forum where I was raped and beaten by a so-called friend whom by the way was fronting as straight but was closeted. After overcoming all that I had faced from the outcome of this ordeal. I felt like I was a true testament of a miracle because I was told by a couple of doctors that I was facing death even on the surgery table. Once I got over that ordeal..I was then told that I would never talk again or eat solid foods and part of my motor skills will suffer to the degree where I would not be able to think or act in the manner that I've been accustomed to. Well...after overcoming all of that...I did feel like a very blessed man and that God had another plan for my life instead of death. I established a close relationship with the final therapist that I was assigned to and they were so impressed with my progress that I was asked to speak at several forums in regards to my situation to victims who had also been sexually abused but were ashamed to speak about it or did not know how to go about dealing with the feelings they were facing.

Initially, I did not want to do it and did not think I had it in me. However, after being encouraged to do so by my late partner...I did it and it was very successful and very overwhelming to say the least. Therefore, with that being said...I see the very same potential in you as my therapist saw in me. Use your pain to bless someone's life.

 

Yes...it was definitely a strange feeling...and it wasn't something that I jumped into doing as soon as I was approached with doing it. I do too also felt like I loss power when I was sexually abused and after all that I've dealt with...this was one of the important issues that I was finding it very difficult to deal with. Actually, for quite some time..I felt like the character from the "Scarlet Letter" story. Although, I knew that I did not have a letter written over my chest ...but it felt that way. From dealing with this...I started working out a lot and putting a lot of attention on my outer appearance. For me...this approach made me feel as if people just paid attention to my outer appearance..they would not be able to figure out what was going on internally. In fact...this is still a daily ritual with me to this day.

So...what I'm trying to say to you is that once I made up my mind to accept the invite to speak at the first forum...I was nervous and afraid and wanted to leave...but I had the support of people who I am very close with and by them being there took away all those fears and anxieties. Once I got up on the stage and told my story and received a standing ovation at the end and when audience members were coming up to me afterwards wanting to hug me and speaking with me about how much motivation and inspiration I've given them by telling my story made it all worthwhile. Therefore, I came to realize that once I started talking out loud about my ordeal that by doing this was very therapeutic for me in a lot of ways as well. Initially...this was something that I did not want to do and in fact...I did not tell a lot of people about it until very much later down the road so to speak.

My life today is better in so many ways...although my bf had passed away unexpectedly six years ago...I have to say that all that I've been through has made me such a stronger and wiser individual altogether. In some ways...I feel that I had to go through in order to become the individual that I am today. You may not understand what I am saying ...but the reality is that we all go through something in this life and at the time we do not understand why..but in the long run...we began to see that we have grown in so many ways from those unfortunate incidents and also..we can use our pain to help someone else overcome their issues. At the end of the day...I tend to believe that is what its all about....JS:smilewave

 

I understand what you are saying and in time..the areas that I spoke on that you are not comprehending to...you will be able to totally relate to them. I can tell from your responses that you still have some bitterness which is expected. I too went through a severe bitterness phase. I even remember a couple of doctors telling me once things have gotten better for me that how amazed they were to see that I can actually smile and to know that I have a very pleasant attitude. This was because they could see the bitterness written all over my face and I did not even have to open my mouth. In regards to wanting to live quietly, modestly and not being a hero...I understand that too. In fact, in certain parts of my life...I am like that now. I live quietly...I have a very small close group of friends who have been in my life for over 13 years and I am very cautious of my surroundings and people in general. Lastly...I too did not want to be a hero or advocate for males being raped...sexually abused...it just something that happened and although I was received well ...its not like I go around on this national tour speaking at every chance I get. No....I do it sporadically which is like once or twice a year if that.

What I'm trying to say is that your journey does not have to be like mine and the path that we have is acceptable to you and I are different...but very relatable. Where I'm at in my life did not happen over night...it took a while for me to come to terms with all that has transpired and it took me awhile to begin to embrace myself as a good person again. Therefore, all that I'm mentioning to you in regards to my progression took time to get to this point in my life and it was not an easy journey..but I am here and when I say that the pain I've endured can be a good thing..what I mean is that sometimes sharing your pain with others who are going through similar issues can be a good thing such as a lesson to them in order to avoid what you have endured or they feel as if they now have a voice would totally understand. All in all...with you...things will evolve in your own time at your own pace and if you are satisfied with the way things are now in your life...then you have progressed to your liking.

 

I will speak out against it. My mom can be verbally and physically at times. That is why I have high standards for my people who want a relationship (including my crush). I have made decisions that I never want to be abused again. I would never sacrifice my happiness just t be with someone . Kudos for standing up

 

You are allowed to feel anger and bitterness...I just don't want you to be consumed with it because it can take a tow on you for the worst. Now for me...to overcome my bitterness..I sought the help of a therapist which was highly recommended to me by my primary doctor. Apparently...in my opinion...if you are dealing with bitterness and anger at this stage...then I think you are dealing with struggle and should pursue as a part of recovery...just me speaking ...and like I said...the only reason I can speak on this is because I've been there and I declined quite a bit before taking the advice seriously. In fact...my doctor was considering admitting me into a facility because at that time my bitterness and anger had evolved into me becoming a severe manic depressive individual. So...think about it and give it some consideration...but again...do it when you feel you are ready to do so because then you will take it all seriously and not doing it just to be doing it.

 

Hopefully you will be able to now spot the signs of an abusive person very early on in a friendship or relationship and be able to get rid of them before things get really bad. I'm sorry that you had to go through such a dreadfull experience with your old boyfriend.
I've previously had problems like this from a straight woman that I was friends with for over 20 years or so. She always wanted her own way with absolutely everything and if she fell out with someone she would make their lives hell by causing loads of trouble for them.
I wanted to get rid of her because I couldnt stand how rude and bullying she was. Once one of her friends out of the blue started calling me names for nothing and she just sat there and sided with him. I found it really hard to get rid of her though because she kept coming round to my house unannounced all the time.I didnt have the confidence to say to her I dont think we should really be friends anymore etc.
Anyway, things came to a head after she called me useless for missing a turning in the road when we were in her car. She started swearing and carrying on etc. When we got out of the car I told her straight politely that I wouldnt be going anywhere with her ever again and that she wasnt to come round to my house under any circumstances.
She started swearing at me and saying really personal things in the street etc. I eventually managed to get away but following this she started sending my family poison pen letters about me,loads of silly lies all made up.
Also I've seen her in the street since and she has screamed at me etc. Eventually I had to get the Police to warn her to stay away etc and they talked to me about getting an injunction .I dont think now that will be needed now as she has left me alone for over a year.
I'm now determined to never get stuck with anyone like that ever again and that the first time someone is rude to me will be the last. All anyone can do is learn from their experiences and I know that my boundaries have to be better in the future.

 

You are so welcome...anytime you need to vent...feel free to contact me anytime. I will leave you with something one of the nurses who used to come by my room at midnight every night and just talk to me. Although during that time...I was not able to talk because my lungs had collapse from the aftermath of the rape...I would write down in a notebook my responses to her conversations. Anyway...this was something she shared with me and I still keep it close to me to this day:

"The Past Is Your Lesson"
"The Present Is Your Gift"
"The Future Is Your Motivation"

:eusa_clap