I'm lost... I don't know what to do, and I suppose this thread also serves as a purpose to vent a little. I lost my grandmother recently, and a few days ago we attended the funeral. She had been more of a mother figure to me than my own mother had been, simply because my mother abandoned me at age 5. Still, I barely shed a tear. It's only when I think back of memories I had with her that I get sad, but even then it's hard for me to cry about it. Maybe it's because my father never really were there for me when I was smaller, I never got that emotional support that I was supposed to get as a child, which probably lead to me having difficulties expressing my emotions (I've been accused of being extremely cold many times). Apart from that, I've failed school completely and this is the 2nd time I drop out. How hard I try, it's like my brain rejects school and everything related to it. I get severe anxiety, I feel awful and it really stresses me up. It's not until recently that I've started to feeling better, as I'm no longer a part of shool. I don't work in public schools it seems like, so I guess I have to find another way of getting an education... ugh so annoying. Which brings me to the next thing, I think I wasted my previous time in school on something I'm not interested in. It makes me upset, because I thought I was into computers and such, when in fact I love animals and would love to become a veterinarian. My life is a mess. I've previously suffered from depression, which I went to therapy for (therapy made me feel even worse as I don't belong there), but every day it's like the depression is waiting in the room next to me, waiting for me to come out so it can consume me again. I'm honestly afraid of crying, or being in a sadder mood, as I believe it could trigger the depression again, which I hate. I'm sure I have several anxiety disorders, but as I've never been taught how to express myself, I don't have the guts to mention it to my father. I did it once though, and he rejected it and blamed laziness. Life would be so much easier without disorders and diseases, wouldn't it? I have no one to talk to, although I thought I had, until one of my closest friends just suddenly stopped talking to me. My other so-called "friends" don't really care either, they have enough to worry about already. You could say I'm a lone wolf, which maybe is why I love that animal so much. I don't want to be lonely though, but finding people who cares is hard. Even making this thread is stupid and I know for sure I will regret it tomorrow and just feel shame over it. If that's not enough, nature decided to make me gay. Honestly I have nothing against being gay, I like being gay and I'm proud of liking guys. But hearing every day how much your homophobic father loves you, and how proud he is of you, just makes me feel like I want to leave. He doesn't love me, and he's not proud of me either. Why? Because I'm gay and he wish he could kill us like Hitler killed the Jews (no offense). I don't love him, I pity him. But I still don't want to disappoint him by coming out, as he has given me food and a roof over my head for so long... In the end he'll be a lone wolf too, as I plan (wish) to move away from this country and never return or contact anyone from my family again. But oh well, a homophobe is a homophobe and I'm certainly not going to change for him. There are so many things I want to do in my life, but I'm scared I might not be able to get there. I want to move away, get a boyfriend from a foreign country, I want to help animals for a living, I want to have that social life, I want to have my own place, I want to live my life as I want. Honestly, those are the reasons to why I can't commit suicide, I really look forward to them... If it ever happens, that is. No, I know, it's not too late for me. I know I'm not alone. Yet, I still can't help to feel like I don't fit into this world, it's like I'm a stranger to myself. My life is a mess and has always been a mess. I have a lot to tell about my abusive childhood too, but that'll be another time. If you took your effort to read this, I thank you.
Look,I just came out to my dad last month,I'm 37,he wasn't thrilled but had suspected for years. Now I hate myself for waiting sdo long,having to hide boyfriends, never letting a relationship developed. I've never even lived with a guy. Now that I finally can do stuff like that its like I still can't because I'm so,just,deppressed I suppose. Unhappy with myself,the way I've led my life. If I could give you one bit of advice it would be don't be afraid,your life is yours,do what you need to do for yourself.
First of all, you shouldn't regret making this thread. It wasn't stupid at all, so don't berate yourself or put yourself down like that. It's a genuine reflection of how you are feeling and how you are struggling to cope right now. You thanked us for making the effort to read it, but I want to thank you for making the effort to share it with us. I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother. It sounds like she was a very special person. You feel sad when you think back on the memories you had with her, but I'm guessing they are good memories that you will hold onto forever? It sounds like the sadness really stems from the sense of loss rather than from something very negative, and maybe that's why you cry so little for her. In any case, there is no hard and fast rule that you should cry when you are grieving. In the weeks and months immediately following a loss the overriding feeling for many people is of numbness and emptiness and reading between the lines, you are feeling that way now. As for expressing your emotions, well, that can be very difficult when you are numb. Some people thrive at school, while others don't. All too often we write off people who struggle in formal education, but it's very unfair. It doesn't take a genius in educational psychology to understand the multiple factors that can lead all of these struggles. As hard as it may be to start again on a different path, you now seem to have a plan in mind to pursue a career in veterinary medicine (not a job that an "extremely cold person" would consider, I might add). You go for it! Depression is a bitch and I know how it drains you of energy and any zest for life. It's hard to talk about it and sometimes it can seem impossible to know where it originates from, even though you have offered some clues in your post. What was it about therapy that made it seem such a bad fit for you? Was it the relationship with the therapist, or the actual process of being vulnerable that was so hard? It sounds like there is a lot of stuff going on I would tend to agree that your Father is not apt to understand, but it does need to be assessed and explored, wouldn't you agree? What would you be prepared to do to move forward? Its a confusing paradox with your Father, don't you think? On the one hand you hate his views about gay people and you even pity him, but still, you don't want to disappoint him. What would be the best outcome in your relationship with your Father? As things stand all of your feelings are messed up like a ball of wool that the cat has had fun with, but there is a start and end to it. The biggest challenge is to begin unravelling the messiness and sticking to it. Sometimes that's the scariest thing of all. Being true and authentic, finding a boyfriend and following your dreams to work with animals are all admirable ambitions and it's good that you are looking forward. Where do you think you can begin? I think perhaps you need to be kinder to yourself. I know it's not easy when life feels so shitty and mixed up, but if you can focus on the optimism that is represented by your future plans, you are heading in the right direction. Finally, know that we care about you. You are part of our community and you have shared a lot with us here and we want to help. We can't be a substitute for off site friendships, but it doesn't mean we care any the less. You are better and stronger than you imagine. (*hug*)
I liked the psychologist I got actually. I guess it could have been me feeling so vulnerable as I had never really spoken about my feelings with anyone in that way before. Especially not a complete stranger. Honestly I don't ever think I will be able to come out to him, it feels wrong to drop such a big bomb on him. Perhaps I'll think different about it in the future, but it's nothing I can do anything about right now... I suppose I have to study whatever it takes to become a veterinarian, so finding the right education is the first step I'd say. I'm just afraid that I'll give up on that dream as well, as I tend to give up on most things if it gets too difficult... Right now I'm living one day at the time, I can't bother looking into the future. The dreams I have is literally the only hope for the future I have though, they mean a lot to me and that's what motivates me to keep on going...
