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My best pal emma has found out her husband is gay

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by peter goose, Oct 20, 2016.

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  1. peter goose

    peter goose
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    I was staying at my best pals house on Saturday,well at her mums,I'm is Scotland and she was up visiting me and her family from England.
    At half two in the morning I and her mum were women by her screaming,crying and shouting. Her hubby(he's 52,she's 36,I'm 37)had had his computer seized by the cops(which I'm REALLY worried about for her)and he'd been using her tablet to go online. We'd been talking earlier about how many so called straight guys well arnt. She checked the history and found he'd been hooking up with men,at their home,when she was at work. She was yelling at him down the phone.

    His explanation about why he was trawling for gay sex with pics of his cock online.

    He was looking for a golf partner.

    Funny thing,the guy was in a semi neo Nazi skinhead band years back,a well known one. Shades of ted haggard.

    I don't know what to say to her,really. She's highly intelligent, a bio chemist,but has had a lot of mental health problems.

    Should I suger coat this or be brutally honest. I'm worried about the seized computer thing too. And the site he was on is one I never use because a lot of guys on it are up for unsafe sex. Clearly I'm gay and she's looking to me for advice.

    So I'm looking here for advice! Help!:eek:
     
    #1 peter goose, Oct 20, 2016
  2. pinkpanther

    pinkpanther
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    So why was his computer seised? And how did she exactly find out about him having sex with other men?
     
    #2 pinkpanther, Oct 20, 2016
  3. I'm gay

    I'm gay
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    I would advise her the same way you would if she was posting here on EC. Sometimes that's brutal honesty, but with compassion and understanding. That's rough for her, so sad.
     
    #3 I'm gay, Oct 20, 2016
  4. Quantumreality

    Quantumreality
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    Hey peter goose,

    I would agree with Imgay47. Since she's your best friend, you probably can figure out the best way to tell her with the least emotional impact, but the information that you have to convey isn't easy and she is relying on you as her best friend to be honest with her, too! If you soft-pedal the truth, isn't it likely that she will just get upset all over again - this time with you - when she figures out that you weren't up-front with her?

    Take Care.
     
    #4 Quantumreality, Oct 20, 2016
  5. I'm gay

    I'm gay
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    Also, you would be in a position to help her understand her husband a bit too. She has been deeply hurt and betrayed. He has his own issues and struggles too. Helping her deal with her feelings can also include helping her to understand her husband's struggle as well.

    You can suggest to her also that there are support sites for straight spouses that might be of help to her, of if she would like, I would be willing to answer any questions she might have from another gay married guy - through you. You can post any questions to my wall if you like.
     
    #5 I'm gay, Oct 20, 2016
  6. peter goose

    peter goose
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    I'm not sure about the computer being taken,but I have my worries.

    After his computer was taken he had used her tablet when she was at work. We had been talking before we went to our beds and I said it was a kicker that her first boyfriend (me,we were kids)turned out to be gay and a lot of gay guys say they are straight.
    So she went through the tablets history,obviously she must have felt something wasn't right too,and found he hadn't even hid what he'd been up to. He hadn't even wiped his searches etc.

    ---------- Post added 20th Oct 2016 at 10:48 PM ----------
    Thanks,I think your right,hard honesty is the best way. To top it of its her bday today. I'm going to have to be blunt.

    Clearly,he's at least bisexual. And he does have his own stuff going on,but I hate him for what he's done to her. She's like a sister to me and I thought after all her problems she was finally settled. Then this happens. He's 52,he was 49 when they married,he should have not done that. OK,I know its not that easy,of course I do but still.....

    I'm more worried about the computer being seized,she doesn't know why,but it was a proper police raid. But wouldn't the police have told her if it was kid stuff?
     
    #6 peter goose, Oct 20, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2016
  7. I'm gay

    I'm gay
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    Yeah, he shouldn't have done that. It can be too easy to say, he should know by his age, but is it really any different that I married a woman when I was 27? Not really. I hadn't accepted myself as gay then, and I assume he didn't accept himself at 52.

    Not necessarily. If it's an active police investigation they may be keeping information under wraps for now.
     
    #7 I'm gay, Oct 20, 2016
  8. falconfalcon

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    Yeah when the police are investigating someone they never tell anyone, even spouses, what they are upto while they are still gathering evidence. They can't - they can't let the opportunity arise for people to try and destroy evidence, supress evidenc, cover tracks, or even try and invent false evidence to introduce to the case....


    I think honestry is good but I duno about brutal.... i think this is a time to support her. she is obviously shocked - i think she has enoug h brutal reality right now. I think just support and encourage her and let her work through it at her own pace. Honest yeah, but I wouldn't bring up anything brutal. Let her cry a few days more , and see how she thinks it through. If she asks questions, you can answer her - but let her cry a bit and get her feet back under her before you really bring into it just how mad you are at him and stuff. Let her fall apart before she has to get up and deal with shit :wink:

    anyways - that's my take on it.

    Good luck - and I suggest she divorces him b efore he gets charged with a crime and his name is published in the papers :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ay yay yay . Take care!!!!!!

    p.s. i would suggest she packs her things and moves out and leaves a note that she's "golfing"
     
    #8 falconfalcon, Oct 20, 2016
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