Hey guys, so I know I've been ranting here a lot lately, but this just feels important, and I would love some advice on what to do. Basically, I am satisfied with a lot of my life. I am in a great situation financially, I go to a great school, I get to be open about my sexuality and gender and nobody cares, haven't cared for awhile now... I'm not looking for a relationship, and while the reason for this is that I don't like who I am as a person, I am also proud to say that I am trying to be a better person and right now I can't really change anything, which makes me happy that I am living as the healthiest person I can be right now... except for one thing. I have nobody to talk to, and nothing to do. It doesn't help that just being in this house has drove me insane, and while I completely lost my insanity awhile back, I finally have most of it back and it feels awesome... but yeah, I need a change of pace. Since I'm fairly satisfied with myself, people say that the next step I need to do is "find somebody", but again... I don't want somebody that close. I mean, I'm fine with sharing my mind with somebody else and listening to anything they have to say... but I don't want sex right now, again, mostly because I just don't feel like a complete, healthy, or sane person, and while sex isn't important on an emotional level for me, I sort of feel like I'd be dragging someone down if I did that, but it's really unfortunate I think that way, since I don't think I could find a relationship without that added on to it at this point. XD Heh, and anyway, I have school, so I shouldn't be thinking about that stuff. What I really want isn't a relationship by itself anyway, but a change of pace- I want to find ways to keep myself busy until I can find a friend or someone to talk to just in general on a level other than merely "Oh hey, how are you today? Have you heard of this new game?". Conversations like that are great to pass the time, but I know it's unnatural to not have a single person to talk to on a deep level- and no, I am not over-exaggerating. I know almost nobody at this school and even people not from the school that I've known for years are distant friends. My closest friend, whom I could talk to about most of my issues, has made his way out of my life, so now I am alone and confused on what I can do to distract myself... It's gotten horrible, honestly... There is yelling in my house almost everyday, not that that's really anything new, and I used to go on walks on a regular basis to escape that, but my weight has been dropping so much even with me eating at least most of my meals that I don't think it'd be healthy to do that, and lifting weights, which was another hobby of mine, is useless because I'm too skinny to really gain muscle. I'm not dangerously skinny and am not trying to starve myself, but I have noticed these issues and think it would be best to create some other hobbies or at least hang out with people every two weeks in order to feel more social and, well, in control of my life... I am only distant friends with middle schoolers and very busy older high schoolers though... Actually, asking anyone from my school to go to things is sort of a bother since they all live so far away. I could go to things on my own, but I find that on my own I like the charisma I usually hold when in a group- I actually have none, and find myself merely going over where to go next and what to do/say to the next person I have to speak to so as to not seem too odd... XD It's really unfortunate I can't prosper well on my own. Anyway, I guess it's useless trying to worry about it now- I'll try to think of somewhere to go every 2 weeks and ask different people, even if it's just hanging out. It's always sad that I don't own a car because then I wouldn't have to rely on my mother to pick me and my friends up, but oh well! She usually comes through... Usually... but yeah, things to do on my own... something regular, a way I can get that change of pace I need... Does anyone know of anything I can do? Literally the only option my acquaintances have given me is to find somebody, but I really don't want to, just for my own personal reasons... It's funny, because at one point in my life I actually wanted a relationship and was given the opposite advice... I guess that goes to show you backwards some people are. XD Just... honestly, I know I'm in bad shape, and have been in bad shape for years... Someone, please help. I'm not sure how much redemption there is for me, someone who has already hated themselves from as young as age 6 just for being so abnormal socially, but I have figured out how to survive up until, well honestly, up until age 12- I sort of spiraled out of control then, but I'm back on my feet now... Still, I want to learn how to change my pace in life to something healthier, where I'm no longer a cold recluse. I used to love the fact I could pretend I was happy or sad when I wasn't, since it protected me when I was little, but now there's nobody I really have to protect myself from, and any advice on how to become less deformed mentally would be appreciated. Thank you all.
