Perfectionism is ruining my mental health

Perfectionism can have its roots in being gay, 'internalised homophobia' , self-hatred, ... a desire to control things and earn love/ respect from others.To make yourself worthy and valued in other people's eyes even though you feel worthless inside.

There are books on this and a load you can read online.

 

I've also struggled with an eating disorder when I was in my teens. It stays with you forever, like most addictions - it's something you've internalized deeply and have to navigate with a healthy mind. I also have a lot of issues with perfectionism. Perfectionist parents can definitely have influence, but it's not what they're demanding, it's that they're demanding in the first place. Perfectionism, and especially eating disorders and addiction (eating disorder is a form of addiction) are all deeply rooted in a need for control. From what you describe, you've been through a lot of emotional abuse, and even physical. And you describe yourself as being invisible/not feeling as special as your sibling. All of these things are paths that can lead to extreme insecurity and feeling a need for control/feeling as if you have none, therefore becoming obsessive, Which can become self destructive. If we can't control our environment, we will control what we can, and for people who have a hard time fully submitting, taking it out on the self and The body will become an unconscious favorable option.

Whoever that therapist is sounds like a moron. I was "passing" as a healthy weight, but very sick. You need to find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. If you can't find one where you live, look into online therapy. And if you haven't already, look into moving out of your mother's house - hopefully you can.

The good news. You can make it out of this. All of it. You just have to find someone who can help you recognize what causes your self destructive behavior, get to the root of it, and understand that it's not your fault. Then you can work toward moving past it. All of that sounds way easier than it actually is, but it's highly doable. Us acutely aware perfectionist obsessives are pretty special. We feel things on levels others don't. I'm sure you're anything but invisible.

 

Hi CoconutOilLady:

I agree with everything that YeahpIdk wrote and can add some more - there are things that you can do on your own while you look for a mental health professional:

1. Some people with eating disorders have found Overeaters Anonymous (OA) helpful. OA is a 12-step (self-help) group for people with eating/not eating/purging/food issues. There are probably meetings online as well as face-to-face meetings in your community if you live in a medium to large centre. Some people find attending open Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon meetings helpful as well. If you find that OA doesn't help your issues, don't sweat it, it's not for everyone.

2. Practicing self-compassion: think of how you would treat a friend in the same circumstances and treat yourself that way (you can Google for more info).

3. Self-esteem: in addition to practicing self-compassion, learning how to detach from others' behaviour and how to set boundaries can help greatly. This is essentially how people maintain their self esteem when in less-than-ideal situations as well as at other times. Both these topics can be Googled.

4. Perfectionism: my own issues with perfectionism seemed to stem from a seemingly perpetual problem with depression, both low-grade and severe. From my point of view, anyway, the messages I got from my own head about "being perfect" were essentially the same messages that a depressed brain sends out. So for me, the gold standard for solving my perfectionist tendencies was the same as solving the depressive messages: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. CBT teaches you to look at your thoughts and identify and challenge the negative stuff and then "reframe" your thinking into a more realistic viewpoint. It's not an exaggeration to say that it saved my life, as negative thinking was so habitual with me that it seemed normal. CBT is often taught in groups but you can get a head start by working through a book on the subject if you think that it's appropriate to your issues. Again, all that can be Googled.

I've listed a lot of stuff here, which may seem overwhelming, so please remember that recovery from anything starts with baby steps and we only have to live (get through) one day at a time or less if we need to.

I agree with what YeahpIdk said about the counselor - your weight has nothing to do with your need for help. That's like a hospital turning you away because "you haven't lost enough blood yet". Um, no. I hope you can find a counselor with more experience soon.

Please keep writing if you need to and best of luck with this.

 

Sorry for answering back so late.

You are not alone at all, especially when it comes to insecurity, especially when it comes to self harm. People self harm in a million ways, even if it's emotional.

My best advice since you're still having to live at home is to sink yourself into creative outlets. Work on writing, read a lot -- read a lot of feminist literature ---, watch movies and shows, draw...whatever you like to do.

Stand up to your parent if it's safe to. Don't get violent, but if something is said that is inappropriate and not their business about you, let it be known that you're not having it. Sometimes you have to stand up to a bully and let them know you won't take their crap.

Seriously, read feminist books -- they're so helpful and point out so many crappy things about people and how they treat women. Just become smart. Fill your brain with an army of witty smartness, and heal. Also, go to therapy if you can. A totally different one then the one you spoke about above.