I somewhat recently got out of a toxic relationship and im starting to think that it may have been outright (emotionally) abusive. I don't want to call it that if it wasn't so if any of you would be awesome enough to help me that'd be great. Here's just a list off the top of my head of some of the things that make me think this: Got upset when I talked about my baby cousins (who make me happier than literally anyone/thing else) for reasons I can’t begin to imagine other than that she was jealous of how happy they made me even though they’re my baby cousins and not in any way competition for her Got upset when I ate while we were skyping (it was an LDR) because she couldn’t have the food too Got upset when I got tired during skyping and had to leave (even when she offered to “let me hang up” -- she would get mad and say she was only asking so I’d say “no babe I want to keep talking to you” even though I was on the verge of sleep) Got upset when I couldn’t text her during school (context: I was in London for a week and the time zones matched up so I’d text her around her lunch time and she’d get a break from school. When I was back from London, obviously the time zones weren’t as compatible and I couldn’t text her at the same time. This apparently was unacceptable to her) Got upset when we didn’t talk for a day (two at the most) even though I admitted fault and apologized profusely after every time (“sorry doesn’t mean anything coming from you”), then then disappeared for 5 days straight and wrote off my fears that something horrible had happened to her by saying “I’m just on vacation, settle down” (since it was an LDR, I had no way of knowing why she was gone -- usually when I knew I wasn’t going to text her for a while bc of mental illness reasons, I told her I’d be gone for a little; even though she knew ahead of time that she’d be gone, she didn’t tell me anything and didn’t care that I was terrified) Got upset when I cut my hair shorter, because she liked it long and apparently in her mind that meant I wasn’t allowed to cut it (in hindsight, I think she’s more attracted to femininity, and being more masculine-looking makes me really happy -- while that’s understandable, she felt the need to put me down because of that preference) Got upset whenever my family was around while we were skyping, and refused to introduce me to her family Got upset when I told made her a video of me singing “our song” on Valentine’s day because it was public on youtube and she didn’t want anyone but her to be able to see it Openly told me after our fights that she was almost going to break up with me (who tells their SO that???) Openly told me that, because I’m asexual, she sometimes just thought of me as a friend (because apparently the physical stuff was just that important to her even though it was an LDR and our relationship had never involved anything physical) Openly told me about people she met that she’d totally want to date, talking about them like you’d tell a friend about a crush, and pointed out exactly how they were all better than me Openly told me that she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to meet in person, even though she was always the one who brought up the possibility of it happening Insisted (genuinely, not jokingly) that if we ever did meet irl, I would have to come to her because California is so much better than where I live Insisted that I never wanted to skype, even though the only times I said no were when a) I wasn’t free when she was, or b) I wasn’t in the right state of mind to talk (both of which were excuses she used too -- and I accepted them without questioning them) Insisted that I never said “I love you” first and made me feel horrible even though I said it to her first every night and she frequently wouldn’t even say it back Said things like “we’re practically strangers” and “we don’t really know each other” because we were in an LDR Made fun of the fact that I’m uncomfortable with my thighs being touched (whenever I mentioned a celebrity/fictional character crush, she’d say something along the lines of “but you’d probably run screaming if they touched your leg, right?” as if it’s a joke) Used me as a therapist all the time, but brushed me off on the few occasions that I actually asked her for advice Told me every single time something I did bothered her (which isn’t a problem, I appreciated it -- the problem is this but got mad whenever I tried to bring something up with her, and ended up making me feel bad about bringing it up, turning the conversation into the fact that she didn’t like that I had an issue instead of just addressing the issue I had like I did for her (I tried so hard to change my bad habits for her, she never tried for me) Told me that I was the reason she acted the way she did, saying things like “I’m acting distant because you obviously don’t love me as much as I love you” just because I hadn’t texted her in a little while Made me feel guilty for having more friends than her because she happened to have a not so great time at school Made me feel guilty about the fact that my friends wouldn’t talk to her Refused to listen to me when I tried to explain to her that a lot of my bad habits are caused by mental illnesses (I never tried to use that as an excuse, either, I was just explaining to her that it made it harder but I was still trying -- she always brushed me off when I brought it up. I once tried to explain executive dysfunction to her and she didn’t let me get past asking her if she knew what it was) Tried to tell me that certain things didn’t happen, even though I know they did because I vividly remember them happening (it ranged from big things like us skyping to little things like her eating a sandwich) Tried to tell me that she knew me better than I did (things like insisting she knew my favorite movie and that I was wrong about what I told her it was) Joked about cheating on me, as if that’s a topic to be taken lightly (especially in an LDR, which is particularly reliant on trust) Regularly criticized my personality, telling me how annoying my stubbornness was, how my procrastination was horrible, etc (all things I know and am openly insecure about) Luckily I was able to break it off a few months ago, but it's still freaking me out. She seemed so amazing on the surface, but honestly towards the end I was walking on eggshells around her. Sorry this is so long, but I needed to get it off my chest. Again, if any of you have any advice/can tell me whether or not this sounds like an abusive relationship, that'd be great. Thanks!
From some of the things you posted it's pretty clear that she's a manipulative and a lot of the things you said she's done is definitely considered abuse (e.g. guilt tripping, criticism, talking about cheating/breaking up/other love interests). Props to you for breaking things off, no one should ever have to deal with a person like that.
Thanks for the help, guys I can't tell my parents about what happened because they'd never let me date again, but I've been talking to my friends and they've been awesome. Shortly after I posted this, my ex texted me (completely a coincidence, but it was weird seeing as we haven't spoken in months) and I blocked her without even reading the text. I don't plan on having any contact with her from now on, especially knowing what I know now.
Some of what you describe may be due to the two of you having different needs in a relationship (for example asexual vs. non asexual) - opposites may attract, but if something central to each of your identities is too opposite, some friction might be to be expected. On the other hand, other parts of what you describe (keeping you from sleeping, wanting you to be available 24/7, jealousy of your attachments with others, including friends and even family) are more in keeping with controlling/abusive behavior, particularly when they're patterns and have no apparent basis in an emotional need (for example, a partner going through a tough time with a family member might need a lot of support and time together in the short term). Since you've broken it off and aren't continuing contact with her (good for you!), the only remaining question might be whether or not it affects you down the line. If it doesn't, then good, you're in the clear. But if it does, it might be worth talking about this more.
Yeah, she sounds controlling as hell. I've been in a few LDR's myself, and some of these traits greatly match my experience. Now you at least now how to spot red flags.
Yeah, many of those are emotional abuse. Your ex is a control freak For example: ^ This is a classic manipulation technique called 'gaslighting'. It's a way to make a person question their own judgement or even make them feel like they're going crazy You did the right thing by ignoring her and getting on with your life If she finds a sneaky way to get messages through to you, then please don't believe her bullshit, no matter how apologetic she might seem to be
The majority of that is abusive. I don't know how old she is, she might just be young and still too emotionally immature, but that's obviously not healthy in a relationship and you don't have to put up with that kind of behaviour. I'm sure you did the right thing by breaking it off.
