When going on your first date, how do you approach the greeting/goodbye? During the date, what do you allow or what do you feel comfortable with, with regards to display of affection? If the attraction is there right from the get-go, how long do you wait before entering into a relationship with this person, and what types of things do you allow to happen BEFORE a steady relationship? I'm trying to find out how others deal with these things, so that I am better prepared should I ever meet someone new again, since I really want to work on "giving up the goods when it's appropriate to do so" and also to learn what is acceptable to the average Joe/Jane. I tried to cover most of the things, but please feel free to comment below if you have anything to add to the list, or if you just want to share your own personal experiences/advice I'm sure most of you have seen my thread in the Anonymous section (How do you ...?) and that is what inspired this thread
It depends on the person. In Brazil, hugs aren't uncommon, so, if the person appears to be receptive, i'll give them a quick hug. But, in most cases, the other person is too nervous, so i shake hands and say "hello!". If it is a first date, i don't expect any display of affection, but it can happen in the end of the date. If all goes really well, a kiss is enough for the first date i think (if i feel the other person is comfortable with it, of course). But, again, it depends. It is impossible to predict exactly what will happen. The rule here is: If both of you are comfortable with it, then it is ok. Also, if you are not sure, ask! I entered a relationship once after dating a girl for 1 month. In my opinion, things happened too fast, and it ended as quickly as it started. I'm single now, but i would wait more time before entering a relationship. Of course, there is no exact number (like "you need to enter a relationship after seeing the person for 37 days, 5 hours and 23 minutes!"), but there is no need to rush it. If the other person likes you, then it will happen naturally. There is no such thing as "we are dating, everything is happening perfectly, but, if i don't ask him if he wants to be my boyfriend in the next week, he will leave me!". In my personal point of view, the moment of asking someone if they want to be your SO is an important little ritual, that strengthens the bond between the couple. However, there is no need to rush it. I say this a lot, but the golden rule of relationships is: Be patient. Sometimes i have to repeat this to myself, but it is true. There is no need to rush anything.
For a first date, I like us to act more like a friend hang-out. Preferably no affection. No kissing on the first date, but a cheek kiss, or hand shake is fine. Most people expect kissing on the first date so I'm not the norm. I'm just uncomfortable with it because you're basically a stranger. I don't even like hugging strangers, and I don't know what's been on your mouth. Also, I'm literally not attracted to anyone at all if It's only the first date. Therefore kissing you actually turns me OFF and ruins any chemistry I might later develop. I just do first dates to judge who you are as a person. I feel chemistry from personality and shared interests, not looks. Kissing on the first date might be fine if we knew each other for a long while before dating, however. And kissing is fine before a steady relationship. You just have to wait a few dates to see whenever I feel the chemistry. For me, any kind of sex is not ok before the "official steady relationship" talk. That is only for relationships. Other people might expect it before the relationship happens, so it depends on the person. EDIT: I forgot to answer your "when should I get into a relationship" question. For me, this depends on how much you know the person. A steady relationship could happen on the first date if you were already friends for a while and know that person. But if you're dating a stranger, it is better to date for a couple of months before the official talk. Just make sure you know who you're with.
Chiroptera and Creativemind - Thank you both for your answers. The reason why I'm asking all of these questions is for the simple fact that I have recently met a guy through a mutual friend (7th October) and things are going okay-ish I guess. I'm not sure exactly what is going on in his mind regarding where we stand, but we've had a good long conversation about how we feel about a relationship at this stage of the game. He is recently divorced, his ex-wife cheated on him. Needless to say, he's a bit scared of committing himself to someone at the moment, and I can understand that and will not pressure him into a relationship. I told him that I am also scared of committing now, because I have also been cheated on in my last relationship, and don't want to go through that again. The thing is, we had sex two days after meeting, and a few times again since, but I somehow get the feeling that, that is all he sees in me: A means to get laid. I don't want to be used, but it's too late now. So I want to hear how other people handle these types of things so that I can be better prepared the next time I meet someone new, be it a guy or a girl. I'm working at improving my appearance by exercising and making an effort to lose weight, but at the same time I also want to do a whole perception change and rewire my brain to not go too far too soon, and end up being used, again... I don't think this guy is a fly-by-night type of person, because when we're together, he seems genuine, but there's always this nagging little voice in the back of my mind telling me that it's too good to be true. Granted, it's been roughly 4 years since my last relationship ended, and I've been in a FWB "relationship" for about 2 years on and off. But that's just not enough anymore. I'm 28. I need something more permanent, more serious. But I won't get that if I don't work on myself first, and if I don't change the way I do things. I tend to jump in head-first and do things a little backwards, if you know what I mean. So yeah, I really need to re-evaluate my life, where I stand with the people I mingle with on a daily basis and really just learn to respect myself more, and stand by the morals I was raised with. I don't know when or where things got so out of control, but I do realize that it cannot go on like this. I will therefore keep a close eye on this thread and read carefully through all the comments and take advice to heart. I know I seem a little immature at the moment, but my mind is fucked to say the least, and I need to find a healthy balance again, not only mentally but also emotionally. Right, tomorrow brings a new day...
The thing about sex is that everyone has different values. Some people only want to wait until marriage. Others need to wait until an official relationship, but don't need to be married. Others WANT a romantic relationship, but prefer to have sex before becoming official so they can test compatibility. Others like casual sex in general, some only do FWB's and others can do ONS. Personally, I never liked casual nor can I do it. And by casual, I also include FWB's. I would never do it. I get attached and want to feel loved/committed, so I don't put myself in that situation. But casual sex is not a wrong or bad thing for others. If you're looking for more than just casual sex, then you need to be careful when you put out. If you use it as a sign to want a relationship, you will get hurt, since it doesn't always lead to a relationship. You need to have a discussion with your dates about this first. If you're scared of committing but still are not comfortable with these hook-ups, you really need to take a break from dating and reevaluate some things first.
really depends but, I'm not shy about hugging so, yeah you're my date, I greet you with a hug. I know a lot of people aren't cool with too much PDA so, unless you start it, I keep the makeout session to relatively private. As to the end of the date, to me going home together is still part of the date but, if you want to end it sooner, cool.
It really depends on the person and how the date goes. Sometimes it ends with a hug, sometimes more. The dates that end with a hug or handshake - at least for me - have basically died at the end of the date. For dates where we ended with a kiss or something more, those have tended to be my longest relationships. I've found if it's awkward between us where some sort of PDA is going to be a problem, it's usually a strong sign we're going to have issues, or perhaps the other guy just isn't *that* into me.
The trouble with me is, even if I know full well that it won't lead anywhere other than *just sex* I get attached, and expect a relationship to develop. For this reason, I really want to work on not giving up the goods before I enter into a relationship. And to be in a relationship for at least 3 months before anything sexual will happen. It's going to take time, patience, and lots of tears before I get to the point where I can safely say, "Ok, you got this". I'm taking it one day at a time. I've still got youth on my side, so the guy I'm currently having sex with, isn't necessarily the last guy ever. I'm sure that, as I get into better shape physically and mentally, I will attract other people who like me for more than what they can get out of me (or into me ) Jokes aside, I really think I am strong enough to actually pull this off, but I will need to work closely with my psychiatrist, and ask her for tips on how to prevent my hormones from taking over my brain :rolle: Sure, it's a little awkward discussing my sex life with her, but I know that in order for us to be on the same wavelength, I need to be completely open and honest with her about stuff that's going on in my mind, and in my life. On the one hand, I have a good feeling that whatever this thing between myself and this guy (Let's call him K) is, is going to lead to a happy relationship. But on the other hand, I'm scared. The mutual friend of ours slept with him too, and she developed feelings for him. I know that he doesn't want to commit to her, because she's like 20 years older than him, and he's looking for someone younger than him. But in the back of my mind, I will always wonder where he's at (i.e. is he with her) when he's not with me, and I will always fear that they will end up sleeping together again, even after him and I have made it official. It's really hard on me emotionally, but like I said, it's not to say that he's going to be the last guy ever that shows interest in me. And the fact that he's "moved on" from her to me in a matter of days, might be a huge red flag, because who's to say he won't move on to the next girl after he's had enough of me? So there's all of these things running through my mind, and the more I think about it, the more scared I become, because I really don't want to get hurt again. Our mutual friend (Let's call her S) is in a relationship now, but I know what she gets like when she's had a few drinks. Sorry to speak this way of her, but she's a little slutty when drunk. I still love her though, and only want the best for her. She's recently divorced too, her husband left her for another woman, and the divorce was finalized in February. Since then, she's had 4 sexual partners - that I know of! So maybe seeing how she "jumps" from one fuckbuddy to the next, has sort of normalized the concept for me, and now I'm aiming to do the same? But I don't WANT to do that. I don't WANT to be the one that everyone's had. I want to be appreciated, loved, respected, and adored, and I want to appreciate, love, respect and adore someone special too. I don't care if the next person I date is a guy or a girl, but I crave an emotional intimacy that very few have given me so far. So in order to FIND the "perfect" person, I need to BE the "perfect" person. And that starts with me, my body, my mind, my values and morals. I need to do this for myself. I get sad and bitter when I see all of my school friends already married for 4 or more years, with a family of their own. And here I am, still single, still looking, still messing up...
Doesn't it depend on the date? If you're out for a coffee/restaurant I wouldn't hold hands but if it's a cinema cuddling during a creepy scene is kinda apropriate ^^
I think you do what you are comfortable with and just try to be genuine, which to my mind would mean not trying to incorporate other people's "rules". For the record my husband and I have been together for eighteen years. We had sex the night we met. It just seemed right. It was.
Hi RubyDragon: Thanks very much for the poll, I think it's very interesting. You sound as though you are learning as an adult about dating and how to have healthy relationships, something that I also had to learn as a adult. I can share a few of the things that have helped me in this journey; info on all of these can be found on the net: 1. Setting boundaries 2. Detaching from others' behaviour 3. Defining the relationship 4. Communicating assertively Taken together, these kind of sum up the skills that have been very helpful to me when trying to navigate the dating world, a place that I felt I had lost the instruction manual to. Also, and perhaps most importantly: self-compassion. Treating yourself (and forgiving yourself) as a friend who is a fallible human being and sometimes makes mistakes in relationships. I know for me, this can be the most difficult thing of all because I think I "should know" or "should know better" and then get down on myself. :bang: Self-compassion applies to sex too: I'm pretty sure if you took a poll and asked how many people had sex with someone before they thought they "should have", the affirmative responses would be somewhere around 99%. Blessings on your journey. (*hug*)
In all honesty for me...it depends upon how well the date is going and if there's any chemistry between the two of us throughout the date. This will let me know if I should end the date with a light kiss on the cheek, a hand shake or a hug afterwards. More than likely, if I give you a hug at hello of the date and then ended it with a kiss on the cheek and a hug. Then that's a sign to let you know that the date went really well and there is a good chance for a second date.
