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How Do I Move On?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Citrix, Oct 29, 2016.

  1. Citrix

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    Hey guys,

    I'm looking for some advice or maybe just someone to listen.

    So until I met this friend 4 years ago I lived a normal straight life. What started out as a friendship turned out to be the most complex thing I've ever experienced in my life.

    To give a bit of background, I met a girl who was working at a hotel in a holiday resort that I visited. We didn't really bother much with each other, in fact, we weren't that close. anyway, we kinda kept in touch via social media after I left, but nothing much.

    A year passed by & I was moving to this country for work. I decided to go for a short break before I started work, but was unsure of what part to go to. Anyway, this girl contacted me out of the blue after well probably more than a year & told me she was back in the same place, just different resort, so I thought, why not go there? So I did & it was great to see her again after so long.

    The first week was good. Not the best resort, but it was OK. On the second week this girl got drunk & kissed me. I just put it down to her being drunk. Anyway, after that our friendship started to shift. She was very tactile & again got drunk another night & asked me to go back to her room, which I declined. This continued for another week, then we had a fight just before I left, but we made up. My job placement was only a few hours away, which meant I could travel back to see her on the weekends. This continued for about a month & we became super close, more than friends, but nothing sexual had happened, other than her groping me & constantly complimenting me & making sexual inuendos towards me. not once did I grope or do this to her, but I didn't reject it either to be fair. She had a boyfriend at this point. Before she went back to her home town at the end of season, she told me she was finishing with him.

    She went back home, which again was only a few hours away from where I worked, which meant I could go visit her. After she got home we spoke every day online & I went to visit her a few weeks later. The first time we did we were so excited to see each other. She blurted out that she had finished with her boyfriend as soon as she got back, but she wanted to tell me in person. She said she wasn't upset.

    Anyway, we had such a good weekend. She introduced me to her friends, they told me they had heard so much about me & that she spoke about me all the time. As they were telling me this, she blurted out again that we were in love. I'm not sure if it went unmissed by anyway, but I heard it, but I just let it slide, because I knew, as much as I didn't want to admit it to myself that I was in love with her & I'm pretty sure she felt the same. Anyway, I travelled through every couple of months after that first visit to see her.

    Around my 4th visit, she started to be rather distant, not speaking as much online & whenever we did speak she was cutting the conversation short. When I arrived, again we hugged for a good couple of minutes. Just holding each other. We were practically skipping along the street. She told me her sister would meet up with us later, she just wanted to give us some time to talk, so we went for a meal, then went for some drinks. As we were sitting in the bar, she told me that she had met a guy. Now I'm not sure if she was testing me, because I was never tactile with her. But I did compliment her, as she did me & we were always telling each other we loved each other. As she said this she quickly back tracked, saying she wasn't ready to get into a relationship, she had only just broke up with her ex (which was 6 months prior to this point) I was acting very dry with her after this. Later on we went to another bar, met with her sister & this guy turned up from nowhere, so I turned my back on her & just spoke with her sister. She continuously skelped my back side then spun me around, telling me not to ignore her. We hugged and as we were still holding each other, she told me not to worry about that guy, he was just a friend then she said really loved me, I was perfect & that she would turn gay for me. This caught me by surprise, so I stepped back & broke the hug. No long after this she left with this guy & insisted that I stayed out with her sister.

    The next night we met before I had to return to work. We both knew that it would be a good couple of months before we saw each other again, we were both returning to the resort we first met to work for the summer, so we were sad. I was trying the whole night to ask her about what she had said in the bar the night before, but I didn't have the guts, so I left it. I returned to work, but this was still playing on my mind. I text her a couple of times asking if we could talk, then when it came to it, I chickened out again. On the 3rd time I asked, she insisted that I told her what was up, so I asked her what she meant in that bar & her response was that she had to go. she was meeting with a friend, but she just meant she enjoyed pending time with me as a friend. I didn't buy this, but again I let it go.

    This is when the shit hit the fan really, a couple of days later I stupidly sent her a long text, telling her about my feelings for her & how she had just toy'd with me, she was the one making all the advances, telling me she loved me & wanted to be with me, the just dismissed me, so I told her to never contact me again. I was angry. We had a fight & that was it. I was devastated, so the next week, I text her & told her i didn't mean what I had said. We kinda spoke a few times after that, but she was very distant & I don't really blame her for how mean i was to her. Anyway, the time came for the summer season, she arrived a few weeks before me. when I arrived, I went to see her & she was acting like i didn't exist, so again we had another fight & I came home.

    I wrote to her apologising for our fights, but she wasn't really interested. It was time for winter again. We were both in different countries, but we both knew that when the summer came around, we would both be back in the same resort working. When this years summer season started, we were both in the same place yet again. For the first couple of weeks we didn't see each other. I did try & make contact with her before we both arrived. We hadn't spoke to one another all winter, but i asked if we could maybe just be civil if we saw each other. I got no response.

    One night I was out & a mutual friend came over to say hi & asked me to go join them. I knew she was there, so I just said yeah, I'll be over in a minute, but I didn't go because I thought it would be awkward. i had tried to reach out to her & she didn't respond so I thought that was it. A short while later I felt someone tug at me, when i turned around it was her. She asked if we could just be friends. I acted as if nothing had happened.

    We spoke all night & it felt great to be with her again. I know she felt the same because she had so much to tell me. That same old chemistry was still there. I could feel us gravitating to each other yet again & we sat practically glued to each other the whole night. I had to leave early.

    The next day, a work colleague told me that as soon as I had left she pounced on him & had her tongue down his throat for about half an hour, was groping him & then asked him to take her home or if she could go back to his room. he turned his back & by this time she had left with another guy.

    I saw her this same day & was dry with her, so we got into another fight. She begged me not to fall out with her & convinced me that this guy was telling lies. I believed her. As the weeks passed, we were right back to our old ways again, this time more close. We spent every day & night with each other, practically around the clock. Everyone in the resort was convinced that we were a couple. We were doing everything couples do, only without having sex! Then another male friend who was just new on the scene was making his move on her. This was making my blood boil. He was going up to her room at night. This went on for around a week. I knew he had been up a couple of times with me, but I didn't know he had started going up without me. When i found out I went crazy. He was telling people that they had been having sex. One night I was told he had stayed the night there after he bragged about it, so I immediately text & asked her & she firmly denied it, said he was just turning up & that he was freaking her out, so I had it out with him & warned him to stay w
    away. She text him & told him to keep away. She asked me to stay over a couple of nights as she was afraid that he would come back & I did, but we slept in separate beds & nothing happened.

    One night I received really bad news from back home about a death as we were on a night out. I was out with this girl & other friends. We all got really drunk. She kept hugging & kissing me, telling me that she loved me all night. i just put it down to her trying to comfort me after getting this terrible news. It was daylight when just the two of us were walking home, she kept asking for my hand. We were walking, holding hands with our fingers intwined & she told me again that she loved me & wanted to be with me. Just as she said that she threw my hand away then staggered away from me, then stopped to take my hand again, intwining our fingers. We'd walk a couple of paces then she'd throw my hand again. This happened about half a dozen times before I refused to give her my hand.

    I walked her home to make sure she got home ok. The next day we spent the whole day together again as it was our day off. For the first part of the day we were with friends. Again we were all getting drunk, except me, i didn't really drink much. Anyway, this girl was drunk & asked me to go back to hers with her, which was nothing unusual at this point. We went back to hers & the plan was to have a beer. she was acting very nervous walking in & out of the room coming up with things for us to do. She then decided that we should go for a sleep & lay down on her bed. I was sitting on the bed across the room watching her parading around the room, in & out the room then laying down. As she lay down so did I. Then she started to flip from side to side. She lay staring at me & told me to come lie beside her. In my mind I kinda knew what would happen if I did, so I stalled. After a couple of times of her saying it & patting the bed beside her, I lay down beside her with my back to her, she started off with her back to me, then flipped over & wrapped her arm around me. We were spooning for around a minute, then she jumped up & told me that I had to go, it was too crazy for her, so I left. Later that night she text me & asked me to go up & to bring some pizza, so I did then she asked me to stay the night & again I did, but we slept in separate beds.

    A few days later I had to return to my own country for a funeral. I was away for around 1 week. When I returned she was all over me, told me that she had missed me so much. We went back to spending every waking our with each other, texting when we weren't together to arrange plans for when we met up after work. We met each other on breaks, lunches, after work we had dinner before work. We were doing everything a couple would do, only without the sex. The next few weeks passed by like this, everything was wonderful. The sexual tension was very much there. On our next day off we went on a trip with a couple of other friends, again alcohol was involved. We both went back to hers & continued to drink for the rest of the day & night. We had such a good time, then she asked me for a massage.

    I then straddled her. It was very intimate, she asked me to loosen her bra. She was laying practically naked on the bed as I massaged her, she very much enjoyed it. A neck & back massage turned into a whole body massage. I was going to stop & she asked me to keep going. This lasted for around an hour. As I finished. I was massaging her hands just because she didn't want me to stop. She was resting her hands on my leg as I massaged the other. I told her that she was so spoiled & she told me that it was me that had her spoiled. We almost kissed at this point. I don't know why we didn't but we were looking really looking into each other & it was very tense. She broke the tension by saying she had to go to the loo, by the time she had got back I had moved across to the other bed

    After this she started to be rather distant, then just a few days later, we then both had family members arriving on the same day, which we were excited about, some of our family were going to meet each other. This didn't quite go as well as I thought. As soon as her sister arrived, boom.....her whole behaviour towards me changed. She stopped texting & was acting very different. I knew things would be different when our family members had arrived & I knew we wouldn't be spending as much time together. At first we all went out done things as a group, met up at night for drinks. Then one night she snapped at me for no reason in front of her sister. I let it go, then the next night she done it again. This upset me. I didn't understand why she was being like this, so we met up to talk just the two of us & I told her & she apologised.

    Everything was great, we went out one night with her sister & some friends then she bit me really hard, so hard it left a bruise mark. Her answer was she was flirting with me. This was the last time we were out & pretty much the last time everything was ok. A day or so after this, she gradually became more & more distant, to the point of not speaking to me when I went to visit her. I didn't know why. She was like a complete stranger & treating me like I was nothing. She was avoiding me, which then made me question why. I had stayed away for a couple of days to give her some space. One night after work I went to see her as I always did & she wasn't there. She knew I was coming to see her. Her work colleagie told me that she had went out to some clubs, but just said with her sister.

    I thought I would see her the next day, as we had pre arranged to do so as it was our day off, we always spent our day off together. the next day came. i waited & waited for her to text & nothing. That night she sent a text saying sorry she had slept until late because she was out drinking until really late the night before. I didn't reply right away & was very dry with my response, then she text asking if I was upset. She knew I was. I was angry with her. I wasn't understanding why she was behaving like this, so I stayed away again for a couple of days.

    A couple of nights later, I was missing her, so I text her saying i would be up to see her after work. She was online & didn't reply. After wok I went up & she acted shocked to see me, she was acting very nervous then asked if i had got her text. She said she was tired & was going home for a shower. This struck me as being very odd as it was 1am 7 she never went for a shower at that time. I brushed it off & we went home. Around an hour later her sister text & asked me what I was doing & asked if I wanted to join her at a bar. at the time i thought she was being nice.

    The next day I went up to see this girl again & she practically walked passed me, totally ignore me & when i did try speak to her she was very blunt & just walked off. That night my work got cancelled, so I went to see her at her work early. She was very surprised to see me, she was acting nervous 7 again was trying to avoid me, then as she sat down a guy came over, sat down beside her & wrapped his arm around her, whispering something in her ear. Her sister was sitting with me & was acting very shify as well. I knew then that something was going on or in fact had already happened between them. I could tell she didn't know what to do. If she could she would've had the ground swallow her up. I was sitting across from her & I caught her looking at me from the corner of her eye. It was the only eye contact she had made with me the whole night. She then got up & brushed the guy off & walked away & avoided me. I knew at that moment exactly what had been going on all week. She was avoiding me because some guy had arrived that she was sleeping with. She was hoping that I wouldn't have found out, but didn't expect my work to be cancelled & this is how I found out.

    I am honestly devastated with this. I know we weren't officially a couple, but she knew & I knew that everyone thought we were a couple, we didn't deny it & done everything a couple would do. No we didn't have sex, but does that just disregard everything else that was going on?

    I'm ashamed to say what I done to get my own back. I made her return everything that I had ever gave her over the past 3 years. Gifts the lot. Mobile phone, clothes, jewellery, things I had got her to decorate her room, shoes, everything. It is shameful I know & not something that I'm proud of. I told her I felt like she had used me.

    Her sister asked me to meet with her to talk about it & she returned all the stuff. She was crying, said that this girl was in a terrible state because her relationship was over. She asked me not to do this, but I was angry. I told her that I didn't want anything more to do with her sister. She told me not to say that her sister had used me. She wasn't a user. I'm not sure if her sister knew what had been going on between us. But she told me that her sister loved me, but she really liked this guy & he made her happy. Said she told her she hadn't felt like that in a long time. Hearing this crushed me even more.

    I feel that she has cheated on me & was using me until a better offer came along. This guy had posted pictures of them together on times she had told me specifically that she was working. She lied to me so she could be with this guy. As soon as I text her she knew right away I knew what had been going on & was still trying to make excuses, saying it was only 2 nights out she had been out with him & that was nights I said I didn't want to go out, which was a lie. These were the nights I came to see her & she had already left then didn't text me, left me waiting for her the whole next day & didn't text until that night.

    I was obviously very angry with her & she eventually told me that she really liked that guy. I basically told her to fuck off, but I feel like my heart had been ripped out. Her sister was obviously covering for her with this guy. So I'm angry with her. The night she asked me to go meet her at the bar was because this girl was obviously with this guy & she couldn't go back to the room, so she text me to go join her so she could stay out later. She said maybe something will happen with them or maybe it won't. They both live in different countries, so I don't know how that could work. I was supposed to be going to live in the same city as her this winter, so we could be together. I gave everything up at my home so that I could, but that's obviously changed & I'm back home with nothing, having to start all over again.

    Do I have a right to feel betrayed? To feel cheated? To feel heartbroken? I feel like this girls dirty little secret, only for her sister of course because everyone else thought we were a thing up until her sister arrived. That's when things really started going sour.

    Just before I got back home a porn video of her surfaced from during the summer, i presume it was made when I was back home for the funeral because she was with me day & night all season until her sister arrived late on in the season. This video was passed around & sent to this guy. I think I know who is responsible for it, but clearly they think it was me & now I'm getting the blame for it. I wish it was me because I would love nothing more than to humiliate her, but she's done a good enough job of that herself. It is her in the video, no mistaking it, but she's convinced this guy that its not, so I'm now the worst person in the world & the guy is her knight in shining armour, which is driving me insane.

    We're all back home now. They've blocked me off their social media & we're not in contact, but I stupidly keep checking on this guys page. He doesn't know anything about me & her. I know I shouldn't because I'm only hurting myself. It's been just over a month since we split, if you can say that. This guy lives in the same country as me. He's posting profile pictures from the time they were together, looking like the happy couple & she's commenting with kisses. This is making my head spin. I know it's not this guys fault, but everytime I think of him my anger shoots through the roof.

    My head is all over the place with this. I can't speak to friends because they know nothing about all this. I've been away for the past 3 years, briefly back for a few months last year after the last fight with this girl, so things are not the same here with friends. At work all I do is think about her with this guy, at home. Everywhere. People say keep yourself, spend time with friends to take your mind off things like this, but I have no one to speak to. How do you explain all that to people who have no idea this was going on? I am at work, but I just can't take my mind off it. At home it's all I'm thinking about. I don't really have a social life now back home. I do have friends, but they're all busy living their own lives with their families now. So much has changed here in the past 3 years. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. My life was back in that other country & in an instant.

    Is that all in my mind? Was she just a friend & its all in my head that we were more than just friends? I can't make any sense of it now & its driving me insane. I know I need to move on. It is completely over & I'll never see this girl again, but I don't know how. I feel like my whole world has been torn apart & I don't know how to fix it :icon_sad:
     
  2. Lin1

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    It does seem like this girl was into but didn't dare to own up to her feelings, it's a shame but she's been treating you appallingly so you really are better off without her. I don't have much advice regarding how to move on but time will definitely heal, heaps of hugs to you OP x (*hug*)
     
  3. Citrix

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    Thanks for replying Linning. I appreciate it. I think I just need someone to talk to about it & to confirm that it wasn't all in my head. I know in time it will get better. i just think she's scared me forever now. I don't understand why she would "lead me up the garden path" like that then just throw me aside like I am nothing :-(
     
  4. idsm

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    Oh my! What a story!

    It does sound that she was actually into you. Perhaps she was in denial about it? And she didn't want her sister to find out? That could probably explain her tonguing every male in walking distance. She most likely just wasn't ready for you or even mature enough. Of course this is not an excuse for her being so mean in the end.

    But, you weren't all that mature either, to be honest. You do have your own share of mistakes, wrongdoings and back-and-forth's and you definitely put up with her for a lot longer than you should have.

    As heartbreaking as it is, it's a good thing that you are no longer in contact. Try to limit the amount of time you spend thinking of her or looking her up online. I know it's hard (been there) but try to do it gradually. Allow yourself to look her account only once a day, for example, and gradually limit it even further.
    You also need to demystify her. Remember that in such weird situations people tend to reveal their character. Judging from her behavior she wasn't all that perfect after all, was she?


    (*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  5. Citrix

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    Thanks idsm. I do fully accept my responsibility for my part. She was pleading with me not to end things. I did say that to her that I apologised for my wrong doings, but there was no going back from this. We just clash. Two very different people & that I didn't want anything else to do with her. This time we really are done. I feel guilty for upsetting her, but then I remember why I done what I done. Everyone fights, but sometimes the fights are too big to recover from. All she was concerned about was the fact I was sayin she used me. She refuses to believe that part, but she didn't try to defend herself much when I said all the stuff about her behaviour towards me the week that guy turned up. I hope he was worth it.

    I do know I need to stop checking up on her online. I'm only prolonging the agony & not allowing myself to heal. I just can't get over her doin that. It doesn't make any sense. One minute everything was fine & then all this came out of nowhere I've been going around in circles questioning whether it was all in my head, as that's what she said to me when I confronted her about her behaviour, but you don't go from spending every waking hour together to completely avoiding me. Of course that drastic change was going to get a reaction from me. I'm not condoning my behaviour. I know I done wrong. Thanks anyway. I do appreciate you taking the time to give me your input
     
  6. idsm

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    My post might have come across a little harsh; I certainly didn't intend it to be that way.

    When I said that you were being immature, I was talking about not being clear with her and communicating openly your feelings; acting distant instead of sitting her down and talking to her; saying things you didn't actually mean during your fights just to get back at her. You just didn't handle the situation properly; that doesn't mean that you were the one who created it or that you are at fault.

    She did all of that too, on top of subjecting you to her absurd behavior, hurting you with that other guy and then denying everything, so of course she is to blame. I am not defending her in any case; I think what she did was horrible.

    Cutting ties with her was the wisest thing to do.

    Give yourself some time. Things will get better, you'll see. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Citrix

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    I knew what you meant don't worry about it. I know I played my part. Thing is I can admit to my faults where she isn't. For me the fact that she was avoiding me & crying tells me different. Obviously a sign of guilt. The reason I didn't sit her down is because the last time I tried to speak to her she completely shut me down. She kissed me, told me she really loved me, I was perfect & she would turn gay for me. When I tried to speak to her, she blew me off by sayin she just meant she liked spending time with me as a friend. That's what caused the first big fight & what caused us to not speak for months.

    This time I thought it was different. We were more closer, she seemed a bit more open. Best laugh is, a guy we knew in the summer liked me & she was going crazy. Wanted me to stay away from him because she didn't like him, so I did. We both pretty much made it clear to the guy that I was already taken. It's all these things that are playing in my mind.

    Her sister when we spoke asked me to never contact her sister again because she didn't like seeing her so upset like that. That makes me feel guilty. I know I shouldn't but I do then I ask myself again, why did she do that then? If she didn't want to lose me then why sleep with that guy & why is she still acting like a stupid school girl with him? That's what's making me mad & I suppose motivating me to check up on her online. She knew him for 1 week & for that I've been thrown out with the trash with the blink of an eye. All part of the rejection I suppose. That's fine if you're going to thrown me aside, but why cry & plead with me not to walk away? I don't get the mixed signals
     
  8. Poppy43

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    Hi there, I think she sounds like a right attention seeker. Also she sounds really young and immature, what age is she? Late teens?. If she was in love with you then she wouldnt have acted like this I think she would have put you first end of story.
    If your in London theres loads of groups and meetups that you can join to meet other people who you can hopefully eventually talk to more than your present friends.I'd be doing that instead of obsessing over her because you are wasting your time when you could be meeting women who wont treat you like this woman has done.
    Sorry you have to go through this but it does get better and hopefully you wont have to deal again with someone who batters your head as much.
     
  9. Citrix

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    Hi poppy. Thanks for your words. No she's far from being a teen! Touching 30 as it goes!!! This is my first experience with a woman & I'm pretty sure it's hers as well. I've always been with men. I thought they were bad, but this is much worse than anything I've ever been through with a guy. Very confusing. I don't think I'd be in a rush to get involved with another female again, but love has no gender. You can't help who you love. Maybe if society wasn't so judgemental then people wouldn't be in situations like mine. She comes from a country that is very religious, so I do understand her being hesitant to get involved in a same sex relationship. I just hope she's learned from this to never do this to another female again. She was blissfully happy with things between us until her sister arrived. If that's the case she should've kept her distance from me & just kept it platonic rather than getting involved & them doing what she did. It's not fair