Okay, so I'm slightly apprehensive putting this in writing, I haven't shared any of this with anyone, nor do I have anyone to share this with. Starting at the beginning, I think I am attracted to women but I have never so much as held hands romantically with anyone. I was kissed against my will by a guy and I hated it but I have felt attracted to guys before, just they are far fewer in number than the girls I've felt attracted to. Looking back I think I may have fallen in love with my best friend at 13 but she was straight and I never dared say anything in case I lost her. I clung on for a good six years before I found I was ready to let go. I don't really know if it was love or just a desperation to keep a friend who was drifting away from me. I did fantasize about her but then was that just me experimenting with the idea? So we come my current dilemma, there is a girl I work with who I can't stop thinking about. I'm still no wiser when it comes to my orientation but I feel like I want to spend all my time with this girl. I find myself dreaming of being close to her, kissing her, sharing my life with her. I can't stop staring at her, I find I have to consciously not stare because I don't want to freak her out. I have noticed that sometimes she looks at me but it could just be my imagination making it something it's not. We've done a few things together as friends, not much and it's always been me who suggests doing something. I keep wanting to suggest meeting up but I'm afraid of suffocating her as I've suggested the last few meetings and she hasn't texted me or suggested doing anything. I've only known her 4 and a bit months and in that time I've noticed she doesn't really socialize with the people at work much so I don't know if she just isn't really a social person or if she just doesn't want to spend time with the people at work (they are party animals, she and I are not). I also have no clue whether she's into girls or perhaps like me and unsure, she certainly never talks of boys but then she could simply be a private person in that regard. The big snag is that she's got a job in a country 3 hours plane journey away in February and I'm going away for December January leaving us only a month before our lives move on. In our line of work people do tend to end up moving all around the world with alarming regularity. So my question is what do I do? Do I just try and forge a friendship and if we end up in the same country again try for something more or do I tell her what I think I feel for her even though I have no idea what love feels like or whether I am actually into girls and hope that she's open to the idea? I don't want to lose her as a friend but it's killing me not being able to be honest with her. On the other hand I don't want to ruin her last month here. I know she's struggling with the idea of leaving. She knows I'm questioning my sexuality, the first time she hugged me was because I was in tears over an email from the friend I hung for. She's a very kind person and will be there to listen for anyone that needs it which leads me to think perhaps she's just being friendly when she says that she's glad I took this job and I'm reading too much into the tone. If anyone can make sense of that garbled flow of consciousness...:help:
If you've already come out to her as attracted to women and/or questioning, and she took that well and is still around, then I think it might be time to tell her how you feel. She could respond with a variety of answers, but I think allowing yourself a chance to voice your thoughts (and to hear hers in return, and respect her answer) would be a really healthy thing to do.
