My Partner Drinks/Does Marijuana and I Don't

lonedolphingirl · Nov 13, 2016

Hi Everyone!

I'm new to this forum, and I'm hoping to gain some new perspectives and insights from all of you all.

So, I'm having some internal conflict with the fact that boyfriend drinks/does marijuana and I don't. Here's some backstory for why I chose not to drink/take marijuana:

I grew up with a father who had a rare autoimmune disease; his health was a constant roller coaster since I was four-years-old, and he took a variety of drugs. As a result, I watched his behavior change due to his medication, and see him either in great pain as a side effect of his medication, or be completely withdrawn mentally.

As a result of witnessing this, I have no desire to put something into my body that could alter my mind or my body, as I have witnessed how it affects people who don't have a choice in being that way. I know that his drugs are not the same as alcohol or marijuana, but the idea of loss of full control still applies, so I chose not to participate, even though it's socially acceptable in the college town I reside in.

So...onto the internal conflict I'm having. My boyfriend knows my feelings about drinking and marijuana. Initially, he gave up marijuana for me, but a couple weeks ago I told him he no longer had to do so because I didn't want to impose my will upon him; doing marijuana in the state I live in isn't illegal and he's over 21.

The problem happened when he didn't like me asking him to only drink with people who are 21 and over, which is the legal drinking age. I never had an issue with him drinking; as long as it didn't support anything illegal (eg: drunk driving, giving alcohol to minors [which he got for about six months before we started going out])

He begrudgingly said yes, but I realized he would be resentful of me, so I gave in and just said go for it, I just didn't want to be a part of it.

Well, over Halloween weekend, we were talking about a murder mystery dinner party we got invited to, and it dawned on me that there might be drinking. I knew not everyone there was 21 quite yet. He texted them to ask if there would be alcohol, and the party host said yes.

I originally said yes, that I would be okay with it, but then I did some research about liquor laws in my state and learned that if the party was busted by police, I could potentially get in trouble for just being there, even if I didn't provide any alcohol to the minors. The next day he texted the party host saying I wasn't comfortable with underage drinking, and she basically got pretty upset over the situation.

After a few text conversations between them, he said to me he's done doing this and that I needed to message her (I was friends with her on Facebook) and figure it out, because it wasn't his problem; he doesn't care if they're underage drinking. I messaged her and stated my values, and she said it was really important I be there because it was a murder mystery party. She couldn't guarantee that there wouldn't be alcohol because she would have to talk to the second host about it.

I gave in and just said that I would be there no matter what they decided. My boyfriend wanted me to leave at that point, he was very withdrawn and depressed from the situation.

The party happened the next day, and I met him at his apartment. He got drunk with his roommate the night before after I left, and he realized while he was drunk that he was upset because the situation brought back memories of his loved ones putting him in the middle of their problems; he felt like he was in the middle of me and his friends.

The party went fine; I didn't see alcohol being served, and he hasn't spoken about it since then.

Basically, my problem is this: I feel like I compromised my values about alcohol for him, and I've been feeling resentful for myself toward it. I think it was the right thing to keep the peace, but drinking alcohol before 21 is still illegal, and it makes me mad sometimes that he doesn't give a shit about it, and I sometimes don't think he really supports me in my choice, and I'm afraid that he won't stand up for me if anyone gave me crap or judged me for it.

Since the incident, I've been compromising myself/ not being honest about myself. He'll bring up stories about when he's gotten high/drunk that I don't feel comfortable with, but I find it easier to not be honest with him because I don't want to cause problems/be reminded that no one else shares/supports my choice to not drink/get high.

The hardest part is that no one in my life shares these views, and it would be nice to have one friend who could be my sober buddy so that I wouldn't feel so alone about it.

I'm sorry this is so long...I'm just looking for another perspective on this situation. Maybe I'm over exaggerating on this entire issue...I know a lot of people drink/get high before the legal age, and they don't think it's a big deal, but I don't agree with that.

On a side note, all other parts of our relationship are great; he is not a bad guy, and I don't want this one incident to give that impression; he's had a challenging life. And he's not a heavy drinker either.

Thanks everyone :icon_bigg

Chip · Nov 13, 2016

Hi, and welcome to EC.

First, I applaud you for holding the values you do, for asking for what you need, and for coming to your values and choices through thoughtful consideration and gaining information.

This may not be what you want to hear, but the issue you're having is likely to continue. Furthermore, it is very common, when a person who chooses not to drink or use drugs (marijuana is a drug...) starts going out with others who engage in these behaviors, to find his or her views and beliefs shifting over time. This would probably not be a positive thing for you.

It seems pretty clear that your boyfriend is using alcohol and weed to numb uncomfortable feelings. That isn't healthy, and it is very often the underlying reason why most people with chemical dependency problems use. Unfortunately, the use patterns tend to get worse, not better, over time. So this problem is likely to be ongoing, and may get worse.

One other difficult issue you will need to think about: People with chemical dependency issues don't change their behavior until the behavior completely stops working for them (and often, even then, it is difficult.) In other words... nothing you say or do is likely to meaningfully influence his behavior in the long run unless *he* wants to address the issues. And very likely, if he cuts out the weed, he will increase the alcohol, or vice-versa; the issue generally isn't the dependency on the drug, but the need for numbing.

So what you have to look at here is... what do you deserve in a partner? Do you deserve a partner who values weed and alcohol and knows you dislike it but is unwilling (or resentful) to give it up? Or do you deserve someone who shares your values, and/or is willing to work on bettering himself and, at the same time, supporting you in a decision that's important to you.

Most often, when someone stays with someone with a chemical dependency problem (and it is pretty clear that this is a problem), it is because they don't believe (consciously or unconsciously) that they deserve better. And my take on it is... you *do* deserve better.

I hope that helps.

JonSomebody · Nov 13, 2016

I can relate to your situation as well. There was this guy whom I was dating after I became single from being in a long term relationship. We were basically getting to know each other and the thing is that he also drink and did marijuana as well as his friends. Now...I had no problem with this as long as you respected me for my decision not to indulge. I would drink a glass of wine from time to time but I was never known as a heavy drinker and he was very much aware of this. This one evening he had his friends over at his place and they all were drinking and smoking weed. He asked me to join in and I said "No thanks...I'm fine". He got pretty upset and lashed out at me by saying.."Oh..why don't you stop being so uppity and join us"...."You make me look really bad in front of my friends and this is why they don't like you".

That was all I needed to hear because no one force or pushes me into doing something that I am not comfortable doing. Furthermore, for him to approach me like that knowing all the time since we've first met that I did not indulge and then lash out on me in front of his friends was a definite red flag for me to acknowledge. Therefore, I took this behavior as a blessing in disguise and I changed my contact information, stopped seeing him and moved on to living the single life as I had intended to do in the first place. A year later...I found out that he and all of his friends were either in rehab or in jail so I really dodged a bullet so to speak. With that being said...I do applaud you for standing firm in your decision. Never let someone persuade or talk you into doing something that you do not feel comfortable about doing in order to keep them in your life. If this person really cares about you...then they will respect you for being the individual that you are and not try to change you. Just my two cents..JS

falconfalcon · Nov 13, 2016

I feel you.

I dont drink or do drugs

My boundary is i will not hang out with someone if they are intoxicated, at all. no alcohol in them, with me around. I peace out.

I'm guessing you guys are close to the 21 age boundary if socializing with those under neath

theese years are hard

I remember

i came from a culture where drinking and drugs was normal. And as an LGBT, i quickly moved into another one

i didn't have the boundaries i have now. I learned the hard way

LOL I remember in college, being invited to hang out with my roommates friends. They were smoking pot. I figured, i'm OK, as long as I'm not smoking too. LOL. Then I learned about catching contact They were nice enough to explain it all to me, amongst a few good hearted laughs. I excused myself and from then on, when they toked up.

This was of course when marijuana was still illegal

substances, intoxication, and dependency are difficult. As are social and legal standards, and morality on the issues in the culture

but worse is the age. At that age, the peer prssure on the issues is insane. And its almost impossible for youth that age to get much perspective.

The most important thing is that you stay sober

The second most important thing is that you have realistic expectations

I live in a culture that wakes to coffee ( a drug.) gets intoxicated with that, then frequently uses alchohol or marijuana to relax for sleep

i know i can't change this. and its not going to change much soon

so - i have to learn to navigate that

I think you have some idea what you want, and it sounds like its not going too badly as you work through it

EXCEPT this issue where your boyfriend felt stuck in the middle

If these are you feelings about substances, that's cool

and it sounds like he respects them a lot if he was willing to give up weed for you.

It also sounds like he was trying to be there for you by texting the host for awhile

but it sounds like he's hitting his limits of coping with this.

And that is totally expectable for someone his age, in our society.

Asking him to respect your beliefs about subtances is one thing, asking him to fight battles with peer pressure, and socially, and swim against the culture is quite another

That's asking a lot from someone his age

Either you can deal with the fact that he tried, and he can't handle much of it

Or you can't

Mind you - you may have a lot of work to do finding someone in this age group that does, ESPECIALLY one that you like and want to date.

It's up to you- you have to live with yourself

In al-anon we learn to detach from our loved ones, and be happy whether they are drinking or not

"and it makes me mad sometimes that he doesn't give a shit about it, and I sometimes don't think he really supports me in my choice, and I'm afraid that he won't stand up for me if anyone gave me crap or judged me for it. "
i think you need to talk to him. Ask him. He might stand up for you if someone becomes abusive to you. That's very different than absorbing a lot of complaints from his friends if he asks them to stop drinking or giving alchohol to minors for you...

Defending you from an attack is very different than going around campaigning for your policies for you....

in relationships, people have differing opinions and beliefs sometimes. either you can work that out, and live with it - or your have to find someone else, who you can work it out with and live with it with
Take care

---------- Post added 13th Nov 2016 at 01:27 PM ----------

also - it sounds like your boyfriend was willing to change himself for you, but isn't up for making his friends change for you - which is something he _cant_ do anyways. You can't change other people. Only they can change themselves. He said he was willing to change for you - but that's all he can do. He can't control his friends. He can only choose to hang out with them, or not.....

lonedolphingirl · Nov 13, 2016

Thank you, falconfalcon! Since you seemed a little curious, both of us our 23. We both just graduated from the same college, and his friends in the scenario are from the same college.

I definitely agree with what you're saying about the campaigning policies, and I won't put him in that situation again. I know from a legal standpoint, I'm right about the situation. He knows that, but in the past when he drank with them or given them alcohol he just weights the pros and cons of the situation, and always believed that the pros outweighed the cons. I know in a college environment that the notions of what's legal and not illegal become irrelevant.

Anyway, yes, talking to him further is the best option. He's my first relationship, so maybe overtime I will learn to accept parts of him that go against some of my values.

---------- Post added 13th Nov 2016 at 12:52 PM ----------

Thank you, JonSomebody. I'm sorry to hear about the situation that happened to you. Keep living strong

---------- Post added 13th Nov 2016 at 12:59 PM ----------

Thank you, Chip My boyfriend doesn't drink/do marijuana that often, but I have spoken to him about what his habits are, his habits are usually for social/recreational purposes. I don't think he makes a habit of drinking to numb his pain, in the situation I referred to. He just wanted to alleviate stress and have a fun time with his roommate drinking and watching a movie. I appreciate your insight into the situation.

Gravity · Nov 13, 2016

To add to the above - as far as your relationship itself, chances are that having very different values on an issue you are likely to encounter repeatedly is going to be a difficult aspect of the relationship. I don't know how long you two have been together, but if this is the first time that things have been awkward about the issue, chances are it won't be the last.

It sounds like you've had some temporary solutions, but it may help to sit down and figure out something permanent - so that whenever you two are in a situation where this comes up, you can both speak to the problem without having to put someone else in the middle, or having to figure it out as you go, and so on. For example, your boyfriend could have simply said up front, "sorry, my girlfriend isn't comfortable being around underage drinking, so we won't be there" - or better yet, "sorry, we're not comfortable being around underage drinking, so we won't be there (to avoid singling one of you out) - and that would have been that. Otherwise, going back and forth on what is okay and isn't okay within the relationship will be exhausting as well as confusing (as you'll both always be compromising a little bit, and for different things at different times).

Ultimately, you need to be able to act as a team. Figure out where you can meet each other, if there is such a place, and stick to it.

lonedolphingirl · Nov 14, 2016

Falconfalcon, in response to your additional note, he was willing to give up the marijuana for me in the beginning of our relationship. He said he only did it once it once a month, so it wouldn't be a big deal for him to give it up. That was the only change he was making; nothing changed about his drinking habits. The only thing I asked him in the beginning of our relationship was to be responsible and legal about it; to not put himself or others in harm's way because I can't be in a relationship with someone who is extremely irresponsible.

In terms of changing his friends, that's not my intention. They are more than welcome to drink because it doesn't affect me what they do. However, in the situation, it WOULD HAVE affected me because I would've been at the party where it was happening. I won't stop him from going to any parties in the future, he knows I'm not very comfortable, but I still can't stop him.

He's set the standards with his friends that drinking (regardless of age) is ok. Like you said, it's a lot to ask of someone his age to go against the cultural norm. For me, I've been raised to be comfortable with doing that, and have been doing it most of my life.

Oftentimes I can't understand why it's hard for people, kind of like the attitude, "If I can stand up against social norms, than so can you"

But than I realize that not everyone was raised like me; we were all raised with different values and different beliefs, and that there's nothing wrong with wanting to be socially acceptable in order to find companionship with other people. However, there are times where doing what's socially acceptable is harmful to people. I think from now on I need to learn to balance between being socially acceptable and doing what's right in situations where it's unquestionably called for.

---------- Post added 14th Nov 2016 at 01:18 AM ----------

Thanks for the response Gravity! While I don't plan on preventing my partner from attending parties, I agree that we will need to work as a team on how to make a compromise on the situation.

My Partner Drinks/Does Marijuana and I Don't

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