I know I very recently put a thread in this forum, please excuse my obsessive thread starting. LOL I just feel really terrible, and I just really have no where to go in real life. I've been really depressed these last few months, which has definitely effected me socially in an awful way. All my friends kinda started spacing themselves from me, because I was totally pessimistic and I let myself go hygiene wise. I stopped using my acne medicine which caused lots of outbreaks, I stopped shaving, I stopped bothering to do my hair so however it looked when I woke up, was how it stayed. I lost about 35 pounds and became really pale because I quit going outside to do things. I didn't bother to put on deodorant. So not only did I look like a zombie, I smelt like 1 two. So looks/smells costed me most all my friends. Well a few of my closer 1's kinda stopped talking to me because I pushed them away and my depressed personality wasn't necessarily ideal to be around. So at this point I only managed to hang onto 2 friends. And wasn't very close to them anymore.. A short story fast, I started cutting my arm, I felt suicidal, called the Trevorproject, Hung up on them, got the cops sent to my home. Came into my home and stop me from killing myself, went to a crazy people hospital, got out of the hospital, got sent back into the hospital and told my parents I'm gay during visitations. Shortly after getting out of the hospital I told 1 of the friends I had left about my mental breakdown and how I tried to kill myself. She no longer talks to me because she thinks because I "Attempted to kill someone" I'm like some sorta dangerous homocidal person. (Which simply just isn't true!) So than my friend count was down literally to just 1. I told her I'm gay and whats been happening between my parents and I, she told me to stop talking to her. So now, I got no friends.. And I have my mom forcing me to do some "conversion therapy" things at home to somehow make me straight. I'm really close to getting my dad to understand me and I've managed to get my grades up so college can be a practical route for me someday. But honestly I don't know anymore.. It's hard to fight your mom, it's hard to explain to your dad, school is hard, It's taking me a lot of effort to get my hygiene issues back under control. Physically I've let myself become real pale, thin and weak. I'm on a indoor soccer team, that I hate because the guys on my team are rude and call me a moron, some now call me an emo cutter cus the cuts that I can't hide at soccer games because uniforms have short sleeves.. I'm only on the team because my dads the coach and wants me to play.. I'm allergic to the turf the indoor fields are made out of so it hurts me to breath in there and my eyes get all red and it sucks... Being so weak and allergic makes me suck at soccer, disappointing my dad. Like what am I even doing at this point. So what if my dad understands it won't help. my mom will still be crazy. I still won't have any friends, I'll be the moron I've always been even before I knew I was gay. Now that I have these hideous self harm scars everyone thinks I'm an emo freak. Even if I got into college I'd still be a moron, I still wouldn't make friends because I'm hideous. There's not really even a point for me to come out, no guy (or girl) would ever like a moron like myself. I also don't wanna be a faggot.. But I don't really got a choice there.. I don't wanna be a moron but I just generally seem to be clumsy and can't seem to stop.. I don't want to feel so lonely, I don't want to go through an hour of my mom yelling at me for being a fag and than have no one to talk to about it.. I don't want to think anymore about how I was in a crazy people hospital, it makes me feel dreadful about myself. I can't get a drivers license because I have seizures like a freak and randomly start shaking uncontrollably well looking really stupid. So I can't drive, I don't see how I'd ever get very far... I have chronic back pains, and I just want it to stop. It's not a terrible pain, but it just NEVER ENDS! I also have migraines that temporarily cause me to go blind, I have them very rarely but I hate it. I hate that awful feeling that at any moment I just might lose all my vision and feel terrible head pains. I HATE looking at my arm now, with all my ugly scars it just brings back memory's of how I got them. It makes me think about my appearance even more than I already do which sucks, I suck. I just want to stop everything. But I can't. I'm just trapped. I feel so alone and that's never going to change. Nor will my ungainliness, ugliness, worthlessness, "faggotness", chronic pains or overwhelmingly sad memories I can't stop thinking about. I dunno why I am posting this, I kinda find typing my emotions out therapeutic and it's like I already bothered to type it may as well post it. LOL Sorry for the long post anyone who actually read it.
Hey Guff, The POINT is to make it out of there so that you can live your own life and gain the happiness that you so richly deserve. These are truly rough times that you are going through and I feel so badly that you have to endure those kinds of conditions. It can be hard to be around someone who is depressed and it’s even harder for teen peers to understand or sympathize with. As you get your depression under control with your counseling and your medications, it should be easier to have the motivation to live your life again – it will just take some time. Just taking care of yourself properly again and getting out and running can do wonders for making yourself feel better. Once you do that, your friends are also likely to see you in a better light again. Of course, if anyone doesn’t want to return to normal friendship, they weren’t really your friends in the first place. Your Dad can be your main support for now. Maybe you can talk to him about ideas for you getting out of there and going to college. Why do you put yourself down and say that you are a moron pr a freak? You said that you were getting your grades back up. Everything you’ve written on this website indicates that you are a kind, intelligence, thoughtful young man. You have a bright future ahead! Are the seizures you described recent (in other words associated with your depression or maybe the medications) or have you had them much longer? Have you been diagnosed by a doctor about your occasional back pains or the migraines? Everyone is a unique individual. We each have our strengths and weaknesses. Focus on your strengths. You can also work on any weaknesses that you have some control over. But you are definitely NOT a worthless person by any stretch of the imagination! Things WILL change for you, Guff. They have already started to change with your counseling and treatment for depression. Don’t give up! We are here for you on EC! Stay strong, my friend!
Hi Guff, First off - I'm really sorry you're having to go through all this stuff. (*hug*) Second - It sounds like you have a number of health issues - allergies, migraines, chronic pain, etc. Have you seen a doctor about this stuff? They might be able to either treat these conditions or help you explain to your dad that you need to be outside of the environment of the stadiums due to your allergies. Third - You're not a moron - you're in pain, both emotional and physical, and it's easy to get down on yourself when you're not feeling well. That's not being a moron - that's being human. It sounds like you're working to turn things around and that's more than a lot of people in your situation could manage. Fourth - College (depending on where you go) is usually a much wider world than grade or high school. People are often much broader minded, and come from a lot of different places. I'm confident you will be able to find people who will be more than happy to be your friend. And who won't be put off by your scars at all. Hang in there and keep working on helping your dad to understand you. Having an ally will help a lot with the situation with your mom, even if its only in getting her to back off. Hope this helps, Todd
Thanks as always Quantum, but I'm kinda done lying to myself. I've never had many friends due to clumsiness and awkwardness.. To now have poor looks and self harm scars getting a friend will be near impossible. My dad has told me ever since I was little we live in a world where people get what they deserve. I've got no friends, scars, chronic pains and saddening thoughts.. And I'm a fag. I don't know why it matters to me if I get into a college, they say the best indication of the future is the past. Mine is being a moron who's constantly in pain. I really wanna just give up, but I can't. It's literally not an option. I'm just stuck in this. I deserve this.
Hey Guff, You sound like your depression is coming back. It’s not lying to yourself to say that you are a good person and deserve to live a happy life. You are just focusing on negative elements. But there are plenty of positive things about you, which we have talked about. You Dad’s statement that people get what they deserve isn’t true. I wonder if you are misinterpreting what he said. People can so well in life with hard work and a positive attitude. But I don’t think you would argue that people that die in war are just ‘getting what they deserve’ or people who are the victims of random crimes are just ‘getting what they deserve.’ Bad things sometimes happen to good people. That truly sucks. But you can’t let it keep you down. You can make new friends. Scars can be treated or covered 4 Ways to Get Rid of Scars - wikiHow Your chronic pains can be diagnosed and your depression is just beginning to be treated. You’re gay. Stop calling yourself a fag. When you can get out of your current situation and have a chance to explore the real world (like, hopefully, at college), you will have a great shot at seeing what a happy and fulfilling life you can have as a gay man. You are definitely NOT a moron. And no one deserves to go through what you are currently going through. But nothing lasts forever. Please, just stay strong, my friend!
"Like what am I even doing at this point. " welcome to the wonderful, overpopulated world of miserable teenager. Population: you, and several million other kids as the carving on the window said in my suicide lockdown room "the misfits and the exploited" What are you doing? enduring modern american society. That is what you are doing. Its temporary, it passes - one does get to leave high school, and the petty, insecure, hormonal, immature, acting out foolish teenagers, who spend the whole time picking on eachother "So what if my dad understands it won't help." Why not? at least you will be safe around him. No? at least you can be out, and safe, around your Dad "my mom will still be crazy." This happens. One learns to deal.... Its easier once you are an adult too, and the playing field is more level. Seriously - its just too much for a youth. Need adulthood on this one " I still won't have any friends" Why? you had friends before. You can have friends again! You may be i n a dry spell. But, so what? That happens. That doesn't mean ANYTHING "I'll be the moron I've always been even before I knew I was gay" So F***** What? Morons are people too. Morons can be happy to!! Sheesh look around you. Morons are the majority in the country right now Oh. And you dont seem like a moron at all to me. You seem very intelligent, well spoken, effective at communicating - and very strong and on top of what's going on, with very good perspective, and very capabale of seeing things for what they are, and calling things like it is. You seem like you have a lot of your shit together Guff. You also have a positive attitude. Your good. I mean that, totally. You dont seem like a screw up at all. I mean it. Totally - you are impressive ". Now that I have these hideous self harm scars everyone thinks I'm an emo freak." 1. they heal pretty well down to a subtlty. 2. Only a dipshit would think you are an emo freak 3. millions of people have them 4. When you get older, no one will give you shit about it. In fact, instead, they will have compassion and sympathy for you. I mean it. You will have the opposite problem - you will become paranoid that you dont want people to feel sorry for you I mean it. Look forward to it man "Even if I got into college I'd still be a moron," College is wall to wall morons. It's officially called "superficial intelligence'. I was just bemoaning this the other day. The SAT is the worst thing to happen to us. A few people who spend too much time with books learn to jump through a few hoops and all of a sudden they get to go to college, and people who real intelligence who have better things to do than paperwork, like take care of their families, have relationships, or contribute to their communities, like those real smart people who are Responsible - they get shut out and left out in the cold from the opportunities of higher education. Its horrific College is oriented towards geeks and nerds now, tragically so. And they are so f****** stupid. "I still wouldn't make friends because I'm hideous." honey..... I know that you are a self concious teenager, but no. You are not at all hideous. " There's not really even a point for me to come out, no guy (or girl) would ever like a moron like myself." No again Guff. Truly, i've always seen it that the dumbest folk seem to get married the fastest. Look around man "I also don't wanna be a faggot.. But I don't really got a choice there.. " Start meeting guys you like, and dating, and having relationships - and oh my goodness one starts enjoying oneself soo much and feeling soo grateful one is gay I promise "I don't wanna be a moron but I just generally seem to be clumsy and can't seem to stop.." Its OK. It doesnt matter. What matters about a person is if they have a good heart "I don't want to feel so lonely" No one does!!! Of course you dont. Its not good for anyone Keep working on recovering yourself from what you've been through, and reaching out for support ", I don't want to go through an hour of my mom yelling at me for being a fag and than have no one to talk to about it.. " This is what Trevor Project is there for, and what we are here for. KEEP TALKING! Plus - Guff you dont have to listen to a second of that. That is child abuse. For me, this is when i go to my room and close the door. "I don't want to think anymore about how I was in a crazy people hospital, it makes me feel dreadful about myself." You were just there because they have no where else to take kids who need help, who are a danger to themselves. No big deal. They dont have a "teenagers are being picked on by their parents and their peers too much so they are feeling like giving up" place. Its too expensive to build a separate building. So... we get taken where they are already awake 24/7 to deal with emergencies As time goes by it will bother you less.. Those places are terrible, no one likes them. Its OK " I can't get a drivers license because I have seizures like a freak and randomly start shaking uncontrollably" Its OK - It happens, this is not your fault man. A lot of people can't drive - its OK What a great excuse to move to a big city with plenty of public transportation, and a gay neighborhood, huh? " well looking really stupid." Come off it. You are starting to sound like your bullying peers - don't listen to them , don't internalize it. People who have seizures dont look "stupid", they just look unwell. Have some self-compassion man, we have compassion for you and others with seizures, and other health problems. You dont look stupid - you look like you have a problem, and you do - Its OK - lots of people have problems. Its just most people try and hide theres, and some people can't. It doesn't make it any less OK - Its OK Guff - it _doesnt_ matter "So I can't drive, I don't see how I'd ever get very far..." There a lots of other ways. It doesn't matter - lots of people dont drive. Its OK You may definitely feel better when you live somewhere with plenty of buses or trains, but its OK "I have chronic back pains, and I just want it to stop. It's not a terrible pain, but it just NEVER ENDS!" That sucks. Hopefully, as things get better, your whole body will start to feel better too " I also have migraines that temporarily cause me to go blind, I have them very rarely but I hate it. I hate that awful feeling that at any moment I just might lose all my vision and feel terrible head pains. " Migraines suck. TONS of people have them . Stress definitely can make them worse - when you feel better, hopefully it will improve "I HATE looking at my arm now, with all my ugly scars it just brings back memory's of how I got them." Its OK. Just think of it differently, like how much people cared about you and want you to be OK - and how glad we all are that you are Out now, and how glad we all are you Got Through It You went through something super hard. Its OK! You made it. Your a champ man Be happy. We are "It makes me think about my appearance even more than I already do which sucks," Teenagers. Its totally a phase - take it easy it passes. Like the chicken pox - just got ride out teenagehood "I suck. I just want to stop everything. But I can't. I'm just trapped." Life has its hard moments sometimes, and its really hard when you are young and at your parents mercy somewhat. When you are an adult, you have more power and opportunity - and when life gets rough, you can do more to make it better "I feel so alone and that's never going to change." Bullhockey Guff. You dont know that, and I know that isn't how it works. That's the misery of teenagehood. Get out of your parents house, in to the real world, and you will meet all kinds of wonderful people " Nor will my ungainliness, ugliness, worthlessness, "faggotness", chronic pains or overwhelmingly sad memories I can't stop thinking about. "" Guff- you arent worthless at all. And you never were 2. "faggotness" is a GOOD thing 3. When your life gets better, sad memories recede, and then someday they dont bother you as much any more. A lot of people go through this. I promise Wow Guff, that's a lot of worries and hard stuff to carry around!!! I'm really glad you are talking to us!! Keep talking!!! Chin up - one day at a time man. And, keep your eye on the prize!!! Take care!
Guff, You are NOT a moron! NO one has a perfect life! You are NOT a fag! Myself, Quantum, and others here are NOT going to give up on you! YOU are so STRONG, you just don't see it in yourself! When I was 11 years old I spent a month in hospital with 4 operation to fix my left hand. All because I was screwing around a piece of farm equipment and lost two fingers. The fingers are gone, I don't even notice anymore. I can promise you the scars in your head and on your arms will go away. In time they will not matter anymore! You are going to make new friends, the ones that have left you behind now do not deserve the energy you are wasting grieving for their loss. Have you told your dad what you have told us? It sounds like your dad is willing to listen. Like we talked about, prob will be many more uncomfortable questions but you WILL make it. He can be your biggest ALLY. I bet he is hurting just as much as you. Sometime depression meds take a couple of months to work. Sometimes it takes awhile to find ones that work for you. I know you believe in religion. Read the psalms, pick one that fits you, memorize it and repeat it over and over when life gets tough. Its one of the only reasons I am still alive. I do not know a lot about the bible but I know it can be your sword and shield against those who would do you harm. Did Jesus not die for us? I would call that the pinnacle of love. Remember there are things you can control in life in one hand and things you can't control in the other. Sometimes you just have to lets the things you can control go... I an struggling at 44 years old with some of the same things you are. I just was in so much hurt when I was young I chose not to deal with my feelings. You are so STRONG for not hiding! So this is what your going to do. Your going to hop in the shower, comb you hair, take ALL your meds, use some Right Guard (YOU CAN PUT IT UNDER YOUR LEFT ARM TOO) AND FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT! Even if it just feels like your going through the motions things WILL get better. Life WILL get better! If you want you can refer to me as BROTHER, you don't have to feel alone! I didn't have anyone so I am offering my friendship to you, because no one needs to feel alone! Take Care
Guff, I'm so sorry you are going through this I wish I could just hug you and take you away from this awful part of your life. Hang in there, you are so strong you WILL make it. Take the advice given in this thread.
I am sorry you are going through this, i am in a shitty period aswell right now. We will get through it..
