This is a bit of a weird post but really I just need somewhere to rant. I feel like i've wasted my life missing out on social experiences, not connecting with people, being closed off and just not having enough fun. Deep down I knew that I gay since I was about 11, but tried not to think about it and really couldn't accept it. This made me build a wall up around me so I wished I could be someone else, pretended I liked boys and just went along with life worrying about my future. I dreaded going to university, but when I started in 2014 I enjoyed it more than I would. The only thing is I had a massive crush on my straight flatmate and it suddenly clicked that I was gay. I would cry myself to sleep most nights as didn't know how to tell anybody/didnt want to be gay. I was actually a lot more similar to my other flatmates but clung to her because she made me feel happy and safe. Although I had made a lot of friends I decided not to live with them in second year (they asked me, I was just so insecure) and lived with the girl I had a crush on (who I had absolutely nothing in common with) and two other girls who also weren't that similar to me. I spent the whole of second year feeling sad because I couldn't come out and wasn't living with my friends (who were having a lot of fun) so I started to become isolated and closed off (even though I had accepted I was gay and told my mum). I think the fact that one girl in my house was homophobic had a big impact. Now I'm in third year, pretty happy with myself, but living with the most boring people ever (not people who I can joke around with) as my confidence was at rock bottom when house hunting. My other friends are all on my sports team, so i see them a few times a week, but mainly to go out. Mostly i've made friends with all the wrong people. All i want to do is express myself, have fun friends and be the jolly/bubbly person that I really am, but I can't stop thinking about all the regrets I have/situation I am in. If i'd have had a gap year, I might have been able to sort myself out and then fully enjoyed my three years at uni being confident and myself. Instead, i've even come out to my family and one friend and i'm still sad that I've wasted uni and not had enough fun. I feel like i should have felt when I was 15- wanting to show people who you are and rebelling, only i'm about to move back home and have never really expressed myself. Does anyone else have this frustration of delayed adolescence? It's making me into this angry/miserable person i don't want to be, even at my parents and friends, who have done nothing but supported me. All I want is a fun group of friends to do silly stuff with and express myself. Instead I keep having to go home at the weekends because i'm so bored in my house, which is the last thing I want to be doing right now. I would do anything to do uni again. I just feel like i'm wasting time and so desperately want to be happy like I know I could be. Even though I'm only 20 i feel like i've messed up my life by not being confident in myself and, whist everyone else is moving on with their lives, I'm stuck.:bang::help: I'm worried I'm gonna be immature for the rest of my life
It's actually fairly common for LGBT folks to feel like they're a bit "behind" in life - basically for all the reasons you describe here. It takes more time to figure out that we're LGBT and come to terms with it, and by the time we do that, most of our friends (particularly straight friends) have already moved on since they didn't have to go through that phase. At 20 years old, though, you do still have a lot of time in front of you - of course I'm not trying to tell you not to feel bad about the time you didn't get to be out, many of us feel badly about that from time to time - but it's important to focus on what you still have left, which is quite a lot. Losing 5 years of time is sad, no doubt - but it would be equally sad, or more so, to let your concern for those five years keep you from enjoying your next 20 years, for example. If you're still going through the grieving process, that's fine, and totally natural. Let yourself grieve so you can move on. But if you find that this has gone beyond the normal stages of denial, anger, bargaining, etc., and is itself holding you back now, then it might be time to make some changes. You could start volunteering for LGBT organizations or attending local social events. You could also start seeing a counselor if you think it will help. But be sure you're taking some steps to make the next 5 years more like what you want them to be.
I can relate to this alot but atleast you had the balls to come out to your parents, i am still figuring out the way how to tell them. Anyway you are only 20 so no you didnt mess up your life, unlike me you have atleast came out and can start building up on your life now.
