Don't feel like I fit in with gay community

Gay comes in all shapes, colors, degrees of masculinity and femininity, and personalities. I'm a masculine guy too. We're the ones able to blend in easier than more feminine guys, and we are typically the ones that are able to closet ourselves.

You feel awkward because you're still closeted. You don't quite fit the gay community because you're still acting the straight guy. It's pretty normal, and I've been doing that for so much longer than you. If you're hanging out with your guy friends (only one of whom knows you're gay), and you're talking about girls - then you're being fake with them. So, it also feels like you're not exactly identifying with them either.

By the way, plenty of gay guys are attracted to the more masculine gay guys, so I don't think you'll have trouble finding guys you are compatible with. The thing is, you have to let go of your straight personality and embrace your gay. The best way to do that is to come out of the closet. If you're like me, you'll still be the normal masculine guy you are, but maybe you'll see that you have some more feminine traits than you realized - because you've been suppressing them all this time.

Are there reasons why you can't come out to your family and friends?

 

Your allowing stereotypes to influence your perception of what the gay community is composed of, and possibly being impacted by some internalized homophobia as a result. This is a very common experience for those learning to embrace their sexuality, so don't be overly concerned so long as you recognize it.

As you meet other LGBT. I a, confident you will find a full spectrum of characters. One of my best friends and myself are gear heads and can talk cars all day long, another is super intense athlete, and yet another loves trying different hair colors on a regular basis. My social circle comprises a mix of guys with different interests, personalities and character traits.

The more people I interacted with after coming out, the more an realized how distorted my initial perception of other LGBT folks were. I also was then very surprised how similar many are compared to their heterosexual counterparts. The more I met, the more aware I became. The more aware I became, the more comfortable with myself and how I fit in I was.

Try and expand your social circle, you may be surprised at how your perceptions evolve.

 

"Straight guys" are jocks, nerds, artists, gamers, sensitive, smart, outgoing, creative, masculine, feminine, introverted, extroverted and absolutely everything else in between. So are "gay guys". You usually just only hear about the extremely over the top 1's because people usually only notice the extremist.

 

When I was in high school (a long time ago) there were guys who, looking back I would have thought certain were gay, and I wasn't alone in thinking they were. Since finding them online (I was curious) I've found that only one is in fact gay, and some who I never would have thought were, are gay. While the stereotypes have some validity in some cases, they are by no means a reliable indicator. The "nerds and jocks" theory is in reality often reversed. Then sometimes it isn't.

 

I do not fit into the gay stereotype, and here I am Gay, so like others have said we come in many shapes !!


I just think your friendships should be with people there are nice, and you should not take in consideration if they are gay, black, blue, man, woman,feminite or not.

This is how I approach my life

 

There are a lot of masculine gay men. It's just that nobody assumes they are gay so they do not blend in. You are not alone.

 

you are not alone. my friends are straight. i also don't feel I "Fit" in the "common" gay community. Common I mean, they hang out with gay friends and go to gay bars and stuffs, and talk about fashion and stuffs lol

(*hence the reason I feel lonely, even with friends)

 

I do not fit in at all with the community . It also hurts when gay guys question my sexuality base on how I act .

There is no way of acting gay nor straight . The only way of acting is of you and how YOU want to live your life . Be who you are and be proud of that. It has made me gain confidence and love in myself .

 

There are plenty of guys like you that are out and proud but just like your friends do with you, you will likely assume they are straight. Ironically, the more "stealth" you are and the more "stealth" the guys you want to meet are the more important it may be to go to events/venues that are "gay" because at the beginning it will likely be the only way you can tell the other guys are gay. Boston has a ton of gay sports programs for instance. My guess is you could go to Cathedral Station and be surprised at how "un-gay" the gay clientele was. After a while, and unfortunately I do mean quite a while (sometimes years), you'll be able to pick out the stealth gays at the grocery store but for now that's probably not going to happen.

A case in point: a while back my husband and I were at a gay sports bar here in town when a group of straight guys came in. My husband and I have both been out for a LONG time and we could tell they were straight so we just kind of watched to see what would happen. It took them about a half an hour and two rounds to even figure out they were in a gay bar. We actually saw the moment they figured it out--it was priceless!

So I would just say don't go by your assumptions. Try stuff out and see. When I was dating women I never really liked bars or clubs. But you know, once I had a circle of gay friends (many of whom I actually met the first time I went to a gay bar) I found that I really quite enjoy gay bars and clubs. Also I think newcomers tend to assume that gay events are all going to be like Babylon on Queer as Folk. I've definitely been to clubs like that but I also hosted a gay book group for years. Even the bars aren't necessarily like that all the time. There's a bar here in town that hosts Euchre (a card game) night on Wednesdays, another one does a BBQ on Saturday afternoons--nobody is peeling off their shirt and whipping out their glow sticks at either event. Here in Chicago (and Boston's pretty similar) we've got gay neighborhood bars, wine bars, martini lounges, sports bars, gastro-pubs, pretty much every stripe, and all gay--and most of them have different feels different days of the week. Whatever you are like you might just find that at bar X on Thursdays everyone's just like you.:lol:

OK, I just noticed you're twenty. Don't go to bars yet. But it all still holds for other gay events. Get out there and have fun and I would suggest trying to do so in places where some or even most of the other guys there are going to be gay. Few things normalize being gay like getting to know a bunch of other people of all types who are gay too.

 

I know where you're coming from. No one had any idea I was lesbian. But I'm taking this as an opportunity to rock my style. I want to show that I don't have a sterotype and I'm my own person. Sure I may wear a little more plaid now and I cut my hair short but I still drool over sephora sales, love dresses, and enjoy on occasion bubble baths.

Be you. The one thing that's always enticing is confidence and I think with a little nudge you got it. Like the others check out your local gay strip I'm sure Boston has a few good places to grab a pint or something like that.

 

Hey man,

This post explained my thoughts exactly. Right down to being afraid of offending anyone. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

I'm going to take the advice that the others have posted and see if i can go to some lgbt event or something. I know I will be incredibly awkward and wont know how to act or what to say (and will probably leave after 5 mins), but im going to at least make an effort.

Best of luck to you too!

 

As the saying goes: be yourself, everyone else is taken!

You're in a bit of an awkward stage on the road to coming out, take it one day at a time, get involved in LGBT organizations if you can, trust me, you will be welcomed, and soon enough, you will be part and parcel of the "rainbow fabric".

 

This post echoes my thoughts to a T. I also don't fit on per se and my entire group of friends, small as it may be, are all straight women. The only interaction I have with other LGBT people are here on EC or othersocial medias ...and that's also minimal. I don't fit the stereotypes either. I am trying to be more me ... more authentic ... it is hard but ...together with some great people here I am making small steps. You're not alone at all.