I hate that it took so long for me to come out to myself. I had anxiety issues for so many years, and I think being gay and not realizing it was the cause of a lot of them. I'm generally an honest and open person and I don't like lying to people, and I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone in the past in a lot of areas of my life. So how did this happen? It just makes no sense to me. I'm still in shock sometimes when I see a good-looking guy and realize that I always thought guys were attractive all along...does anyone get where I'm coming from on this?
I completely get this, it took me a long time too and when i look back i feel stupid because it was so obvious. I'm also very open and honest. How long did it take you may I ask? I had a hard time making friends because I was so closed off so I think I always thought about how lonely I was rather than addressing the actual problem. Try not to think about it too much as you don't want your past to affect your current happiness. I got very down thinking about how much time I had wasted/i'd ruined university but learned to forget and live in the present. But anyway, I can definitely see where you're coming from but just remember, some people don't come out till they're 40 or 50 (I'm unsure how old you are) or never at all.
I don't know what your age is. But, I knew I was homosexual for 10/11 years. It took me 10 years just to 100% realize I was truly lesbian/gay. I first began it as... I can't know until I have sexual relations with a guy (I'm a female). That's what all the sources said online 10/11 years ago. There weren't that many good sources back then. My uncle is gay...so homosexuality wasn't exactly an unknown thing to me. Then I had my first sexual encounter with a guy and I didn't care for it at all. There was nothing there for me. So then It strengthen my case that I was really gay. So I went down into depression & anxiety for years. I got helped but I never told the therapist/psychiatrist that I was dealing with my sexuality. I just blamed it on other things. They gave me medicine. So for those years I kept questioning. I tried to be sexual. I mean I really tried to like the opposite sex (men). I'm in my 20's and I have accepted I am gay, but I haven't come out yet to anyone. I tried at one point in the past and met well bad reactions or what I felt was bullying reactions (teasing/making a joke out of it.) My mother I think has been wondering if I am gay for years, because she asks me and I just deny it. Partially I am scared of what her reaction will be. Anyway...the reason I am saying all this is I understand the mental stress of it all. I am back in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist. I am at the point that I am done with trying to bury it, deny it, or hide from it. I am wanting to be able to express who I am and be comfortable with it. So I think once you reach that point of I can't do this anymore... it's negatively impacting me. I think you are then ready to really come out to yourself and to others down the line. Still continue to see an LGBT friendly psychiatrist & therapist. It will help you as you begin to feel comfortable in your own skin. I definitely feel horrible that it took me this long to accept my sexuality when I am so accepting of other people's differences...why couldn't I really accept mine?
I think everyone is entitled to come out in their own time and their own way. I know people who have came out much later in life and some much younger. For instance, with me..after I came out to some people...due to the career that I had..I had to portray myself as a certain type of individual to please the business world so to speak and there are still those individual in the business world who are doing that very same thing. Due to this ...it had taken me awhile to become acceptable as well as comfortable with being a gay man and now I am. Everyone just need the space to process how and when to become comfortable with acceptance and we all do it at different phases of our lives.
It's normal to reflect like this and to feel a sense of anger and frustration at time and opportunity lost, but anger will only hold you back. Better (if you can) to put that emotional energy to good use and live the life that you so richly deserve. All of this has happened, because it had to. The walls of the closet could bulge and hold no more. Trust me when I tell you that the future will not take you so far out of your comfort zone. Even if it's not plain sailing you will not have to endure so much, for so long.
@Pandagurl76: I'm not comfortable saying my age on here, but it took me many years to figure it out. I think part of the problem was that the only person I dated was a girl when I was in middle school. After we broke up, I had fake crushes on several other girls in later years, but I wouldn't ask them out because I was so insecure about my anxiety symptoms being on display if I were in a relationship with someone. Wish I had put myself out there in retrospect because I probably would've figured it out way sooner. @seeking: I think a big part of the problem for me is that I always felt awkward about sex. For example, I would sometimes watch kissing scenes on YouTube or read articles about sex, and I would get super paranoid that my parents might see it in my history or something. And I would even worry about the words I'd used in past YouTube searches (words as innocent as "kiss") showing up in like a drop-down history if my parents happened to use my computer to look up a YouTube video...so yeah, I guess subconsciously I was terrified of my homophobic parents and this type of paranoia is how it was manifesting itself. I don't know how I was able to sustain that level of self-control for so many years lol. Maybe I should be nominated for sainthood or something hahaha, jk. @JonSomebody: Yeah, that makes sense. @PatrickUK: Thanks!
I think many people can feel awkward about sex...usually I think it's caused by rules of society. So many conflicting rules on what a life should be like....instead of there being no rules and you make it up with time. I did what you did and would go through my computer and delete everything and be in incognito mode for web exploring. But I haven't done that in years because it be very hard for my mother to gain access to my computer unless she was able to download some type of spyware. I don't know what holds me back right now...still figuring it out. Still figuring it out if it's my own discomfort or if it's because of the fear of what society/those around me may do when I still rely on people to an extent. Pretty impossible to deny my sexuality at this point because I let time and life experiences show who I truly am. I took 2 hours to myself and just thought through everything...mostly being I can recognize a very attractive man and really love his personality...but beyond that I don't want anything..nor do I even want to be touched by a guy. Well like every said...to not take it so hard that it took you a certain time period to really come to the point of being ready to face and hopefully express who you truly are.
I also hate how long it took me to realise- people nowadays seem to be able to 'know' at a really young age. I never really had any kind of sexual feelings of any kind towards anyone for a long time so it only really dawned on me later. I also wonder 'would things have been better/be better now if I'd known sooner?' but the things is, it's irrelevant because I can't go back and change them. One positive thing I get out of coming out to myself later is that it saved me the potential embarrasment of coming out very early and then regretting it. Everyone makes rash decisions when they're younger, especially early teens. I can definitely relate towhat other posters on here have said about a sense of urgency and 'making up for lost time' when you realise. Personally I sometimes think I'm no further along the developmental path than I was when I came out to myself years ago, but I think we tend to measure our 'outness' in how open we are to others, discounting how much we've come on in ourselves.
